Confused.

Did he have a job when you met him? Why can’t he go back to that?

Can you use some of the tools recommended for kids with this problem ? (Phone alarms, notes you heave with lusts?)

If he is just not willing to try, then I think you must leave him.

Remember, your kids are watching and learning from this dysfunctional dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again.

The IRS will not consider it a defense when you're charged penalties because you gave it to your ADHD spouse.

Does having ADHD ever get you out of anything? I've never seen it do anything except add greater scrutiny.

My adhd spouse wears people and customer service down by arguing for hours. It works once. Don’t work the second time you miss a deadline or forget or need an exception.

That’s what makes the marriage so difficult, it’s a repeat game and all he has on offer is mistakes followed by arguing that he’s right or too busy or was never told. Sigh.

I’m frankly surprised the guys at work don’t catch the on to his Blame Game. Now he’s senior enough that he can bully everyone around to fix mistakes that mysteriously happened.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m coming back to this thread to see if I can be helpful. If you don’t want to divorce, here’s what you should do.

Odds are pretty good one of your kids will also have adjd so you need to educate yourself on it. Sadly it sounds like his parents did not and did not give him tj appropriate supports to learn how to manage his condition. Get a book or two on adhd and read it. Then build some structures that will help him do what he needs to do. Electronic calendars with reminders. Lists. Routines. Stuff on autopay. Get him an executive function coach for a few months. You’re likely going to have to do this for one of your kids anyway so do it now and maybe it will save you a lot of time and energy in divorce. There might be stuff you still have to help him with but with the appropriate structure he can do most of this.

op - yes. Very much done. I am my child's mother and he has a great deal of support. But while I have done many of the things you describe, there is a limit. I am not my husband's mother. I can autopay and remind him but he is a 46 year old man and I have a 10 hour a day job and I am not going to hand hold him through grocery shopping.

This seems different than your OP. If he can’t buy food to make sure that your kids are fed, why are you worrying about the medical reimbursement forms?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

True, when an adhd parents can’t “remember” to remind the adhd kid to shower after practice or do his homework, then what?

Cest la vie.

How's the single parenting going?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

True, when an adhd parents can’t “remember” to remind the adhd kid to shower after practice or do his homework, then what?

Cest la vie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how many men develop ADHD (always diagnosed by the wife) after marriage and never while dating or just living together. It's truly a mystery.

Nah, ask their mom after the marriage. She’s thrilled she married off her adhd son!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

They don’t feel any shame, that is a myth and false.

If they did feel shame they’d work on systems to avoid their “shortcomings” F’ing everything up all the time.

Ps is that British speak for Chronic F Ups?

I was in a similar boat until his dx in 9/24. I thought he had undiagnosed autism so the neuropsych assessment was a big surprise- it’s just adhd?! I also have adhd dx and with medication I am functioning fine.

Now in April 2026, after 1 1/2 years of meds and such, he has regained my trust and is a mostly wonderful partner.

Prior to this, as an example, he would sign up for those stitch fix services that send you clothes every month and then just never return the clothes that didn’t fit. I counted almost 1k in wasted clothes from that. They would all just sit in his closet in bags until I finally dealt with them.

He could not be counted on to do anything consistently other than work. He allowed our bank account to overdraw repeatedly despite high incomes. The lawn was never well taken care of- I eventually had to hire a lawn service he always complained about. He would start new systems and lose track of them by 2-4 weeks.

How long has he been unemployed?

The longer this goes on the worse it will be when you divorce. Either rip off the band aid and do it now or make a plan to divorce when the youngest child finishes high school. If you have a trustworthy relationship with your mom start “giving” her money every month to save for you. That way you’ll at least have a financial safety net when you divorce and need to rebuild.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how many men develop ADHD (always diagnosed by the wife) after marriage and never while dating or just living together. It's truly a mystery.

You do realize that having kids completely destroys the systems that people with ADHD developed, right? Your responsibilities and the stress put on your executive functioning increases exponentially. That’s also why so many smart women in mid-life are diagnosed… multiple kids plus hormone changes makes everything completely unsustainable when to the outside world you seem “fine”.

No, it doesn't. That's just what you tell yourself so you have to take no accountability and admit that you picked an imperfect person (but there is no such thing anyway).

Here we go. Have fun walking through life like this. You know, 99% of people become disabled at some point in their lives if they live long enough. May you be shown as much compassion, curiosity, and understanding as you give, PP. But by god, if you die being “right” then go for it.

I AM showing compassion. I am showing compassion to the person she married and whose flaws she was all too willing to overlook in order to get married. And now he is the villain for having a disability. I have a husband and a child with ADHD and and wouldn’t dream having this much contempt for them. I’m sure just like OP you are perfect in every way and everything that goes wrong is always someone else’s fault.

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again.

The IRS will not consider it a defense when you're charged penalties because you gave it to your ADHD spouse.

Does having ADHD ever get you out of anything? I've never seen it do anything except add greater scrutiny.