Anonymous wrote:My DD is just 15, but I know she will want to find her birth parents, especially her mom. I don’t feel threatened by it (though we’re in the phase of life of eyerolls, sarcasm and hating mom). We’ve talked with about her birth parents from the very beginning and told her if she ever wants to meet them we will try to make it happen. They wanted a closed adoption but I do send the birth mom photos and notes every year. She responded up until DD was about 7. I’ve kept all those notes and will show to DD one day.

I think it’s normal to want to meet the people you were born to, though I know in my DD’s case, she will probably be a little disappointed when she finds them. We believe there are also siblings and are not sure how she will take that. She looks a lot like them, but some of her relatives have had hard lives, trouble with drugs/alcohol/the law/job stability, etc. some of the reasons you place a child for adoption to begin with…so while we will support her decision, I am sure the day it comes will be sensitive and emotional.

We’ve always told her that she was surrounded by love. Her birth parents loved her so much to place her, to give her a better life than they knew they could. That is truly a great love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

Well, your are inserting your perception of a what a mother should be, and that is the problem. The birth mother apparently slept with more than one man,so you think she is irresponsible.
The "affording thing"- that is the whole problem with adoption i.e, white and/ or rich people should take kids from poor people. That's the whole thing.

She chose the latest child to adopt our because she had no where to live v

She may not have kept up as it was painful.

So, according to you, she's a slut with no money and no place to live, so let the married rich people have the baby. Yeah, this is what we are trying to change the paradigm from.
Did you ever read " Little Fires Everywhere"? Not the movie, poor interpretation of it, but the book. That should explain a lot.

Exactly.

How dare we as a society ask that a mother know who is her child’s biological father? It’s nothing but the classist white supremacy patriarchy to set a standard that a mother know this information and anyone who says otherwise is a bigoted misogynist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

Well, your are inserting your perception of a what a mother should be, and that is the problem. The birth mother apparently slept with more than one man,so you think she is irresponsible.
The "affording thing"- that is the whole problem with adoption i.e, white and/ or rich people should take kids from poor people. That's the whole thing.

She chose the latest child to adopt our because she had no where to live v

She may not have kept up as it was painful.

So, according to you, she's a slut with no money and no place to live, so let the married rich people have the baby. Yeah, this is what we are trying to change the paradigm from.
Did you ever read " Little Fires Everywhere"? Not the movie, poor interpretation of it, but the book. That should explain a lot.

Exactly.

How dare we as a society ask that a mother know who is her child’s biological father? It’s nothing but the classist white supremacy patriarchy to set a standard that a mother know this information and anyone who says otherwise is a bigoted misogynist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have an issue with the idea of " she gave her up but I raised her. " We are loooong past this paradigm. No one gives up a child because they wanted to. They had to, and there are numerous reasons. The adoptive parents aren't saviors.

You sound bitter.

Most birth parents who make an adoption plan are not in a position to care for a baby at that time.

That is not the baby’s fault or the adoptive parents.’

Adoptive parents are not saviors, but they can play a vital role for an innocent and helpless baby who needs responsible, loving adults to care for him/her. The result can be beautiful and a win-win for both.

I am not bitter. This something you have to realize is the entire paradigm shift.
What you call "responsible" says it all, we spend more time and money helping infertile couples get a baby than we do helping birth parents keep their baby. Adoptive parents aren't the winners because they view the birth parents as irresponsible. You are assuming that the birth parents aren't going to be loving.

I realize adopted kids have a lot of trauma to process. But as an outsider, I have to say that birth parents often seem pretty irresponsible by societal standards in a way that "resources" wouldn't help.

My good friend is an adoptive mother. Her adoptive daughter's birth mother literally did not know which man she had dated was the father of her baby. Birth mom picked my friend to get a biracial adoptive parent because she thought the baby was going to be biracial (didn't turn out that way). Also, the birth mom had two older daughters with an ex-husband. Birth grandma told birth mom they couldn't handle/afford another kid. So birth mom open adopted her 3rd. My friend tries to keep in touch but after the first three years or so, birth mom doesn't respond.

So....

-birth mom doesn't know the father
-birth mom can't afford a kid
-birth mom chose differently between her children (I think that's the most f'ed up)
-birth mom did open adoption and then doesn't keep in touch

There's a lot in those decisions that could have been different if birth mom had been more responsible. It's not just a question of giving cash.

Well, your are inserting your perception of a what a mother should be, and that is the problem. The birth mother apparently slept with more than one man,so you think she is irresponsible.
The "affording thing"- that is the whole problem with adoption i.e, white and/ or rich people should take kids from poor people. That's the whole thing.

She chose the latest child to adopt our because she had no where to live v

She may not have kept up as it was painful.

So, according to you, she's a slut with no money and no place to live, so let the married rich people have the baby. Yeah, this is what we are trying to change the paradigm from.
Did you ever read " Little Fires Everywhere"? Not the movie, poor interpretation of it, but the book. That should explain a lot.