Had all of my kids at 25 instead of 24, 29, 30

I would have been more careful about letting my anxiety affect my (now adult) child, who probably heard “Be careful!” way too many times.

I would have put more attention and effort into ensuring her psychological and spiritual wellbeing, instead of focusing primarily on her educational and creative pursuits.

Most of all, I would have realized that she could be highly gifted AND have ADHD, instead of assuming that her hyper focus, high energy level, sleep issues, etc. were solely due to her intelligence. She had very few problems in school (everything was easy and done fast) until more executive function skills were required and she hit a brick wall in high school. By then, she had had years and years of blaming and shaming herself (which contributed to depression) before getting diagnosed via neuropsych testing right before college. Granted, none of her teachers or other specialists in K-12 ever mentioned the possibility of ADHD and we had been told twice that she didn’t have it.

If I had recognized the ADHD sooner and it had been addressed, a lot of suffering could have been avoided.

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for nearly two decades. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets about getting to watch them grow up and not being constantly distracted by work. I could give them my undivided attention. Teachers would tell me along the way how calm my kids are. I worked hard for my family, not for somebody else. A lot of people didn't understand me, still don't, but I am unmoved. Today, being a SAHM is a rebellious act. You're the outlier, the exception, the weirdo in a sea of conformists. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I stayed the course.

Clearly you like to post in multiple threads about what an amazing parent you are

My kids are early elementary, so maybe this will change in 10 years but my biggest regret right now is that when I was diagnosed with PPD at six weeks postpartum with my middle child, I didn’t immediately make dramatic changes to make life less miserable.

I should have immediately gotten a night nanny and gotten WAY more sleep. I should have weaned to formula. I should have cancelled all our planned trips that first year (which only stressed me out). Whatever it took to feel better. I could have recovered so much more quickly.

Instead, I wasted 16 months of my life being absolutely miserable and completely missed out on the joy of my children during that time, and I’ll never get that time back with them.

With the third, I did that all preemptively and it turns out - newborns don’t suck when you get enough sleep and aren’t depressed!!

Anonymous wrote:I would not work outside the home. I’d be more suspicious of church youth groups. That’s about it!

Glad I’m not the only one! Really wished my parents would have been more skeptical. We picked a smaller church in Georgetown that prioritizes keeping the family together at church for this reason, and I’m not a super over protective mom in other ways but this was really important.

Anonymous wrote:I think the gentle parenting backfired. My DD was highly verbal at a very young age and could argue me to exhaustion. Like at 1 year old she could argue a point for an hour. I gave in too much and didn’t enforce consequences, thinking she would grow out of it and be a nice logical teen. She didn’t, and she’s not.
Someday she will be a great something, probably lawyer… but teen years have been very hard.

Interesting, can you expand on this?

I have a hyper-verbal 8 year old DD who sounds really similar -- stubborn and will argue to exhaustion. I wouldn't say I do gentle parenting, but I have found that taking a hard line (a my way or the highway approach) backfires on me because if she can see I'm being rigid, she will double down on her opposition to see how far she can take me. Even if I "win" this battle, it's a horrible dynamic.

Right now my approach is to still maintain my rules but I do permit "negotiations" on the margins (so she does what I tell her to do but sometimes she does it her way, not my way) and engage in a lot more discussion than I every had to with my older child, who was just kind of obedient and didn't care as much about everything the way DD does (she has a strong opinion on EVERYTHING). It's tiring and I'd love a better approach but this is what I've come up with given that easy obedience is never going to happen, being strict and inflexible was making everyone miserable, and she really does seem to have this fundamental need to understand the "why" of everything and to be on board with decisions even if I'm the one making them for her. I'd love a better way!

I do think she'd make a phenomenal litigator or like a business negotiator. No idea what she'll wind up doing, but I'd hire her to negotiate my salary or like the sale of an asset for me. She's ruthless.

Anonymous wrote:Spent less time worrying about mom group drama. Most of those friendships are out of convenience and not an actual connection.

I wish I’d learned earlier the red flags for when a new mom friend is someone who is going to create drama, gossip or issues. I didn’t run from some people when my kids were little that I really should have.

I was never truly part of a "mom group" but still think there's lots of wisdom here. The biggest thing is steering clear of parents who want to gossip. About kids, about teachers or admin, about other parents. This always pinged my radar but I would have more aggressively avoided those parents if I had it to do over again. They were universally bad news.

Anonymous wrote:Spent less time worrying about mom group drama. Most of those friendships are out of convenience and not an actual connection.

I wish I’d learned earlier the red flags for when a new mom friend is someone who is going to create drama, gossip or issues. I didn’t run from some people when my kids were little that I really should have.

This has nothing to do with parenting.

Anonymous wrote:I wish i hadn’t used wasteless energy on worrying about how my SN needs son would fair. Too much worrying about what others thought about what school he was going to, what therapies/activities he was doing. There was a lot of judgement going around that I let myself get sucked into and therefore, I feel, projecting onto my son.

My DS is 19 and goes to a SN school that’s perfect for him. I finally got both through my head that he’s where he needs to be and he’s happy - who cares about what everyone else thinks.

I feel this.

Looking back, some of my worst moments as a parent were the times I was aware of being watched and judged, and I let that influence me.

Never gave my youngest sugar. Big mistake. Never allowed my husband to give my kids screens against my wishes. That was a battle I never won as he stays home with them. It creates constant fights. I finally threw an iPad out the window and damaged it and never have been happier. I hate outside influences and loved my daughter’s creativity. With screens it diminishes who she is. She is a different child. I currently have a non-screen menu and have her at 30 mins a day but when I am at the gym or with a client my husband lets her do whatever she wants as they completely own him. He gives them candy and fast food which I never do and it makes me the bad guy constantly. Come to think of it I think I regret my husband. He is a great dad but not strong enough to say no to the girls.

“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.”

I think the gentle parenting backfired. My DD was highly verbal at a very young age and could argue me to exhaustion. Like at 1 year old she could argue a point for an hour. I gave in too much and didn’t enforce consequences, thinking she would grow out of it and be a nice logical teen. She didn’t, and she’s not.
Someday she will be a great something, probably lawyer… but teen years have been very hard.

I would be nicer to my kids and not push them so hard in school.

Nanny from the beginning instead of trying to save money with daycare.

Teaching them to do chores without complaints soon as they could walk. Maybe there would have been less pushback as teens.

Spent less time worrying about mom group drama. Most of those friendships are out of convenience and not an actual connection.

I wish I’d learned earlier the red flags for when a new mom friend is someone who is going to create drama, gossip or issues. I didn’t run from some people when my kids were little that I really should have.