Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 19:37     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
OP your title is quoting me from my post on the other thread! I'm honored
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 19:28     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
I wouldn't expect them to help you, but I also wouldn't feel obligated to entertain them. Let them complain and just do your thing.

Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 19:21     Subject: Re:S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?


Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.


You could be my MIL. If you wait to be asked for help, you will never be asked. Dh and I would rather pay and do anything possible rather than beg for help. I can’t imagine having so little self respect that I’d ask for help. I can manage. Luckily my parents offer quickly, or most times they just show up with dinner and offer to help put kids to bed. MIL is so jealous that my parents see my kids more. Once when I was hospitalized, my in-laws told dh that it was good my parents were helping since it was me hospitalized. But when dh went on a 6 week work trip we didn’t hear from them once.

My MIL waits to be called and is always pissed she never gets phone calls and doesn’t hear from her grandchildren much. My parents call.

We never plan vacations with extended family, but if we’re invited, we always go. (I have gone on trips with in-laws even though I wasn’t consulted whatsoever on dates or locations, but dh and I are easy going). And we don’t mind paying our way. I only have enough time to plan nuclear family vacations.

I seriously wonder if the reason they never helped postpartum now was because we didn’t ask for help. I remember dh being very disappointed they didn’t visit. They came right after birth but left before we got home. I think he imagined his mom being there. It didn’t even occur to us to beg her to visit postpartum.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 19:20     Subject: Re:S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?


Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.


The bolded above in particular caught my attention and I think it deserves to be discussed. I think that the PP who does this is incredibly insightful. To ask what the DIL's mother thinks -- to recognize that this younger woman who your son selected as his wife has her own mother -- is to me a sign of sensitivity and respect. It tells the DIL that you are there for her but that you also know the hierarchy. Before everyone comes at me for using the word "hierarchy" please really think about the relationships involved. If the DIL has a healthy relationship with her own mother, she can of course still have a rich and wonderful one with her MIL but the fact will always remain that the DIL's own mother is a slight bit above. It is just the natural order. I think if more MIL's recognized this of their relationships with their DIL's so many of the issues that come up might be averted.


Yes, but the DIL is asking for her advice.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 19:11     Subject: Re:S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?


Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.


The bolded above in particular caught my attention and I think it deserves to be discussed. I think that the PP who does this is incredibly insightful. To ask what the DIL's mother thinks -- to recognize that this younger woman who your son selected as his wife has her own mother -- is to me a sign of sensitivity and respect. It tells the DIL that you are there for her but that you also know the hierarchy. Before everyone comes at me for using the word "hierarchy" please really think about the relationships involved. If the DIL has a healthy relationship with her own mother, she can of course still have a rich and wonderful one with her MIL but the fact will always remain that the DIL's own mother is a slight bit above. It is just the natural order. I think if more MIL's recognized this of their relationships with their DIL's so many of the issues that come up might be averted.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 19:00     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:Only on DCUM can a grandmother compliment her DIL and be called insincere.


She said it was "polite fiction."
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 18:54     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!


Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?


Do you now know anyone who was married in the 70s? The majority of a father's parenting was fairly limited to bedtime stories and special outings.


I mean, bad ones, sure.


You are being naive or intentionally obtuse. Dads being helpful is a new phenomenon.


DP but I think it's more complex that that.

Dads helping with housework and female-coded parenting activities is pretty new. Stuff like carrying a baby around in a carrier was, until recently, seen as a feminine activity or it was "funny" for a man to do it. Taking kids on errands. Volunteering at school, on the PTA, was similar.

That did not mean that dads were not helpful as a rule. There used to be this idea that women were supposed to parent young kids and men were supposed to parent older kids. Discipline was a male area. Setting and enforcing boundaries with teens. Talking to kids about their future plans and careers. These would be considered "hard" parenting skills and thus were coded as male, whereas caring for little kids was viewed as "soft" and coded as female.

You also saw this in education -- young children had female teachers but they were more likely to be male as kids advanced through education. This is actually still in place -- men are more likely to be high school teachers than teach younger grades, and many college faculties are still male-dominated especially among tenured ranks.

It's interesting to me that you now see more men helping with young kids, doing housework, etc. but I feel like the stuff that used to be up to dads (discipline, guiding and advising into adulthood, helping with finances, etc.,) now gets done more by moms. In general it feels like a lot of men are less mature and less capable of acting as authoritative parents than in prior generations. I think of men I know in the 70s and 80s who, sure, were not changing diapers or do night wake ups with their kids, but had a very helpful and meaningful "dad energy" where they were very obviously involved in their kids' lives, aware of what was going on, and participating fully in their households even if the workloads were allocated by gender. They were still doing a lot, just more male-coded things.


This is a good post
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 18:50     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.


Agreed. And they did it with less resources/cash and more societal pressure. This generation in the busiest chapter of their life is massively failing in adulting. Mainly because they cannot even take care of their own shit, let alone the kids or the elders.

The MIL generation made sure that even the weakest kid survived by mollycoddling them. As a result, we have the weakest generation boo-hooing about everything now. And the worst of it all, these people have also procreated.

I dunno, I don’t attribute moral failings across generations. I think without the internet we would not be having a lot of these conversations.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 18:39     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
I think two things can be true - men of my generation (late 30s) are more helpful with the kids; the women are still the default parent, and we are generally doing that with a FT job which was not always the case a generation or two ago. The jobs with mother's hours or PT seemingly have disappeared. I also think the average job is "harder" today because we are expected to be on 24/7. I long for the old days (2013!) when I didn't have a laptop or a work phone or could work remotely.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 18:16     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!


Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?


Do you now know anyone who was married in the 70s? The majority of a father's parenting was fairly limited to bedtime stories and special outings.


I mean, bad ones, sure.


You are being naive or intentionally obtuse. Dads being helpful is a new phenomenon.


DP but I think it's more complex that that.

Dads helping with housework and female-coded parenting activities is pretty new. Stuff like carrying a baby around in a carrier was, until recently, seen as a feminine activity or it was "funny" for a man to do it. Taking kids on errands. Volunteering at school, on the PTA, was similar.

That did not mean that dads were not helpful as a rule. There used to be this idea that women were supposed to parent young kids and men were supposed to parent older kids. Discipline was a male area. Setting and enforcing boundaries with teens. Talking to kids about their future plans and careers. These would be considered "hard" parenting skills and thus were coded as male, whereas caring for little kids was viewed as "soft" and coded as female.

You also saw this in education -- young children had female teachers but they were more likely to be male as kids advanced through education. This is actually still in place -- men are more likely to be high school teachers than teach younger grades, and many college faculties are still male-dominated especially among tenured ranks.

It's interesting to me that you now see more men helping with young kids, doing housework, etc. but I feel like the stuff that used to be up to dads (discipline, guiding and advising into adulthood, helping with finances, etc.,) now gets done more by moms. In general it feels like a lot of men are less mature and less capable of acting as authoritative parents than in prior generations. I think of men I know in the 70s and 80s who, sure, were not changing diapers or do night wake ups with their kids, but had a very helpful and meaningful "dad energy" where they were very obviously involved in their kids' lives, aware of what was going on, and participating fully in their households even if the workloads were allocated by gender. They were still doing a lot, just more male-coded things.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 18:04     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
I guess I lucked out. Neither my in laws nor my own parents are this way whatsoever.

My parents are young seeming. They’re early to mid 70s, but athletic, busy and have full lives. If anything, I need to nag them to be more involved!

My in laws are very nice people and don’t at all want to seem like they “need” anything. They have social lives, but have some health problems that makes getting around more challenging. That said, they don’t ask for anything and refuse help. Which makes it challenging.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 17:53     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!


Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?


Do you now know anyone who was married in the 70s? The majority of a father's parenting was fairly limited to bedtime stories and special outings.


I mean, bad ones, sure.


You are being naive or intentionally obtuse. Dads being helpful is a new phenomenon.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 17:52     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:Only on DCUM can a grandmother compliment her DIL and be called insincere.


I don't think this is a DCUM thing, I think it's people who were raised in families where people didn't speak this way. I grew up in the 80s and 90s in a family where people rarely gave earnest compliments and sarcasm was used by all members (including my parents) as a defense mechanism and to shame and establish hierarchies.

I've since gotten therapy and healed from that and a lot of other dysfunction in my childhood, and now I can accept a compliment on, for instance, my parenting. BUT I still couldn't accept this from my mom, because decades of sarcasm and meanness would make me assume it was not sincere.

I have a different dynamic with my DH and kids now and I feel confident that I could tell my DD or a DIL that they are a wonderful mother and that I support them without it coming off as insincere.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 17:48     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!


Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?


Not OP, but I think the mother is not bragging so much as talking about how things used to be. Women mostly didn't have help from husbands. That was the norm. So some women think with this "new" brand of helpful husbands women should have it much easier. That said, mothers now have so many more pressures as it pertains to kids.

That said, I think it also speaks to something I see regularly. There are some women who simply have more energy and bandwidth, and those things are something that "feeds" their own needs. Some women want to entertain, as an example, and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Others, like me, have neither the bandwidth nor the desire.
Anonymous
Post 03/08/2026 17:36     Subject: S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
Only on DCUM can a grandmother compliment her DIL and be called insincere.