Anonymous wrote:One important thing that is rarely acknowledged in the now-cliched boundaries discussion is that healthy boundaries are established bilaterally, that is, together. When boundaries are established unilaterally it is a hostile action.

With that said, it sounds like your dad could be more involved in your life in a way that helps you! If he's a good man, he will relish the chance to do this, to lighten your load, to connect with your kids, to bring over meals, etc.

Please let him know what kind of things would help you. Also talk with him about areas of your lives where you and he need to agree on new boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Wow.

I don't think you're in a healthy relationship with your father.
I'm sad your children are afterthoughts when they should be your priority and source of joy.
I assume your husband has made his peace with being the second man in your life and I hope he's off enjoying his own life without you.

But mostly, I hope you're a troll.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he's trying to reassure himself that he still has a caregiver. If Plan A was that he and #4 mutually care for each other, it's probably pretty scary to lose that even if the marriage wasn't good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Maybe your real problem is that your dad is lazy and sexist, and that you are a pushover.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad is second gen Italian, but he’s very traditional and believes cooking isn’t for men, so he’s decided not to cook. I clean more as a favour than as a need.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s been retired for a year is active, drives, and used to vacation and spend a lot of time doing adventurous outdoor things with his wife, but now that she’s gone he feels lonely and doesn’t want to do the same with friends. I didn’t think of having him spend time mainly at ours, helping out, but that is a good idea, I’d still need to spend some time at his house to help out with his home, but him spending his time mostly at ours is a good idea. And yes I meant two younger brothers and my sister is a year older.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he lacks social skills or doesn't actually like his current friends. So he's always leaned on a woman to facilitate his social life. And he doesn't even realize it because it's so normal to him and he feels entitled to women's time and attention.

I suggest trying to get him to join a club of some sort, or a church.

As for the home chores, tell him straight out that he needs to learn to care for himself and his home. Not sure why he needs help with it if he's only 66. Help him learn but don't just do it for him.

He will likely remarry #5.

Anonymous wrote:So, about my dad’s cooking – yeah, those beliefs are wow, but I can’t really do much about it. He’s stuck in his ways, and I can’t just let him go without food. He doesn't cook, so I step in because it's necessary. I do it because he needs help, and I want to make sure he’s okay, but I know I need to balance it better.

As for his marriages, there were separate issues in each one – including things like incompatibility, infidelity, communication problems, and emotional challenges – that contributed to the breakdown of those relationships. While it wasn’t about a lack of care, those patterns ultimately didn’t work, and his recent divorce has left him feeling more isolate, though that was his shortest marriage.

He’s also started talking about dating again and even going on a few dates, which I’m hoping will help him feel less lonely and start moving forward. It’s good to see him putting himself out there again, and I’m hopeful things will get better for him as he adjusts to this new chapter.

I know he’s lonely, and I want to support him during this time, but I also need to set healthier boundaries. I’ve never really said "no" to him before, and that’s a shift for me, but I know it might be necessary sometimes but I’m not good at it. My husband is incredibly supportive, and he is a great father and husband, married for 21 years, and we’re both in agreement that I can be there for my dad or other family members while also finding a way to maintain balance in my own life, with him, and our sons and daughters.

I still have to be there for him, but I need to do so in a way that doesn’t overextend me. That means being clear about what I can and can’t do and thinking about how we can manage this situation in a way that works for both of us.

Thanks for the suggestions. -OP

Anonymous wrote:So, about my dad’s cooking – yeah, those beliefs are wow, but I can’t really do much about it. He’s stuck in his ways, and I can’t just let him go without food. He doesn't cook, so I step in because it's necessary. I do it because he needs help, and I want to make sure he’s okay, but I know I need to balance it better.

As for his marriages, there were separate issues in each one – including things like incompatibility, infidelity, communication problems, and emotional challenges – that contributed to the breakdown of those relationships. While it wasn’t about a lack of care, those patterns ultimately didn’t work, and his recent divorce has left him feeling more isolate, though that was his shortest marriage.

He’s also started talking about dating again and even going on a few dates, which I’m hoping will help him feel less lonely and start moving forward. It’s good to see him putting himself out there again, and I’m hopeful things will get better for him as he adjusts to this new chapter.

I know he’s lonely, and I want to support him during this time, but I also need to set healthier boundaries. I’ve never really said "no" to him before, and that’s a shift for me, but I know it might be necessary sometimes but I’m not good at it. My husband is incredibly supportive, and he is a great father and husband, married for 21 years, and we’re both in agreement that I can be there for my dad or other family members while also finding a way to maintain balance in my own life, with him, and our sons and daughters.

I still have to be there for him, but I need to do so in a way that doesn’t overextend me. That means being clear about what I can and can’t do and thinking about how we can manage this situation in a way that works for both of us.

Thanks for the suggestions. -OP