Anonymous wrote:My suggestion, meet your dad every other week and plan something that YOU want to do and have him tag along. Art exhibit your son doesn’t want to see? Bring dad! Cuisine you wanted to try but your son or husband aren’t into it? Bring dad! Art class you always wanted to take? Going to an academic lecture? Small town you wanted to visit? Scenic drive or stop? Maybe you want space to slow down, bring dad to meditation or tai chi or a park bench in nature. Find a scenario in which you both win.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a way of letting go. Your subconscious is telling you things about his aging, your aging, that are hard to deal with front and center, so you block them out, feel uncomfortable and generally put off. Try to show love. My mom treasured a hug from me.

Anonymous wrote:Is it the tasks and responsibility? Every time I see or talk to my elderly parent, I come away with more tasks, appointments, problems with insurance, home maintenance, phone calls to make, etc. which gets piled on top of my already long to do list.

I enjoy our visits but the task list stresses me out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I get it.
How about a mini trip to the store, pet shop, book store, restaurant, coffee shop instead?
Is he able to walk? Take him to a senior or community center to be around peers, like a play date. You will meet other interesting people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

+1 to this. My advice is to just make it part of your weekly schedule and have a regular date/scheduled whatever every week to have a brief interaction. He will look forward to that interaction and the regularity of it may make it feel less like daunting for you because it will just become routine. It may not be the most riveting hour of your week but it’ll (hopefully) be manageable for you meaningful to your dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

This is the only post attempting to be helpful and insightful rather than accusatory. OP- is your to-do list already pretty long? I agree with a PP that you may be burning out and not seeing it.

Anonymous wrote:I can relate OP except my dad lives with us. I just don't feel like he contributes much to society anymore. Sometimes, I'll go to the store and it's just old people standing there, blocking the aisles. It's like it's their big outing for the week.
My grandmother lived to be almost 100 and she wasn't not like this at all. Lived a vibrant life, exercised, gardened, traveled, met friends and played bridge.
I really do not want to be an irrelevant old person, a burden on everyone.

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

Anonymous wrote:It's not him, it's you, OP.

OP sounds like a teenager talking about their dad.

Maybe OP has never grown out of that teenage phase.

Anonymous wrote:My dad died of alcoholism when I was 14. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and my mom did her best to convince me he was a worthless, untrustworthy, lying, loser. Then shipped me off to his house every other weekend. I hated it. I had no room, nothing there, no bed, nothing. It was awful. Then the summer I turned 14 it occurred to me that maybe my mom was wrong. I made a concerted effort to spend the evenings talking to my dad instead of trying to avoid him or spend as little time with him as possible. I learned a lot about him that summer. Two months later he was dead and I was so so so glad I took the time to try and get to know him a little.

My advice to you—get to know your dad. Play card games or whatever and just talk. Record his stories or have him write them down. Get to know your grandparents through his stories. Ask him about Xmas traditions, what school was like, changes in technology. He’s not saying anything interesting because you’re not asking anything interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some posters need to stop telling people to accept unhappiness. Suck it up, it’s the right thing to do, anything for the boomers!

Just no. Continuing behavior that you dislike will only create resentment, avoidance, and further sour the relationship. Yes, yes we understand the boomers on this board do not care if others are miserable as long as they themselves are happy. These are not people to listen to or follow.

OP. You feel how you feel. It isn’t abnormal or normal, it simply is what you feel. Recognize it, accept and then decide what you are comfortable doing. This could be fewer visits to see if the weekly obligation is the issue. This might mean not doing visits but bringing your Dad along on other activities like the kids sports game, seeing a movie, or maybe he just hangs around your house while you get things done. See if there is common ground to build a casual friendship. Don’t look for love or joy, just start small.

Relationships can’t survive being built on obligation or guilt.

What a selfish shallow take. How many hours did this dad spend doing things he disliked. Maybe he didn’t care for his job but it was good for his family. Maybe he hated Legos but built with them anyway because his son loved him. This AC is just entitled and gross. Visiting your local parent 1x a week is a very small act. You make it sound like he’s being asked to donate an organ.