Anonymous wrote:Just frustrated.

DD was always high achieving in HS. Went to Vanderbilt and then to UT Austin for graduate degree.

Graduated with MSW in 2018 and has been working at the same burger joint since.

Decided she hates her chosen field and is fine living with roommates and being in a punk country band and serving burgers me beer all weekend.

She seems happy but I am so disappointed and even more worried. No real goals beyond her music.

She’s happy, and if she graduated with an MSW 7-8 years ago, she’s well beyond the age of wanting unsolicited advice from you. It doesn’t sound like she’s asking for help or advice. I’d be just as worried about a Social Work career as those jobs are disappearing. Life is short and uncertain. Try to let go of your disappointment. Be proud that she sought a satisfying life instead of spending all her time being miserable. Focus on your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad you’re not my mother. No contact for your daughter is really the only solution here.

Why is the advice here frequently toxic? Cut off your loved ones! Leave your spouse! This is not how healthy people solve problems, and I encourage posters to think twice before blowing up important relationships.

As for the daughter, she found a community that offers her purpose. It's not what I'd want for my daughter, but I understand the appeal.

Less stress, equal pay. Makes sense to me.

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Anonymous wrote:As long as she's not living with you and you're not giving her money, stay out of it.

Why not give her money? I would.

Because she can get a better job, and she's choosing not to.

She still deserves help even if she's not doing what her parents want. I assume they paid for college because she was pursuing something they approved of. Don't burn your bridges now, OP.

I’m in the “don’t give her money camp”. Just like tax incentives guide public choices - parental incentives should guide adult children choices. I would not pay for my kid to even do an art degree - I would pay for a degree I thought was worthwhile. It’s my money - I choose. Just like scholarship foundations choose which degrees they sponsor and which kids. Parents can do the same as long as the same rules apply to all the children. Equal opportunity not equal money spent.

Yes, using money to control your children's lives generally fosters positive relations between parent and child.

/s

I graduated from UVA in the 90s and Charlottesville was full of overeducated young people working in proverbial burger joints and playing in bands. It was so much fun. No regrets. (See also: the Dream of the 90s skit from Portlandia)

How much is she making? We can make $40-$50 an hour in DC.
If she invests $400 a month, she can go part time by 50 and retire at 62.

Anonymous wrote:As long as she's not living with you and you're not giving her money, stay out of it.

This

She might be earning more doing this - MSWs don't earn much and it's soul-crushing work.

Anonymous wrote:She may be making as much takehome pay as working in social services with her MSW. But 30 is time to think about a 401k too.
When she wants, with a real MSW like hers she can get licensed and make $$$$ as a "therapist.". My SIL is a multimillionaire in CA doing that.

This. She can do regular counseling. Maybe eventually she'll find a niche group or population to help like creatives, etc. She may not decide to do this any time soon, but having the degree is a positive.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’ll meet a rich guy and get married.

It says she lives with her girlfriend so I'm guessing she's lesbian?

Lesbians are pretty notorious for being downwardly mobile TBF. You see a lot of gay guys in law/finance/consulting/tech, especially among Millennials and Gen Z. Most of the lesbians I know in that age range are in food service or teaching/social work/NPO/community organizing jobs.

-Someone who spends a LOT of time in gay social circles

Maybe she’ll meet a rich guy and get married.

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Anonymous wrote:Um, living in Austin and playing in a country punk band is pretty much my dream …

OP never mentioned how successful she was with her band.

Like, is she playing a lot of shows? This sounds kind of cool but I get being worried about financial stability.

When my DS was little, he was in a playgroup, and one of the dads was a SAHD. He was in a band. He went to a T30 school, and his wife was a professional. I remember thinking to myself that his parents and/or his wife must be pissed. But you know what, he is still in that band, they play a lot locally, his marriage seems really happy, and he's a great dad. Plus, social workers make less money than burger hashers / punk rockers, so none of this is about potential earnings - it's all about OP's sense of her DD's "failure."

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Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

I just worry about her longevity. She doesn’t ever ask me for money but lives in a crowded apartment with her girlfriend and band mates. She just had so much potential now it seems like she may as well have dropped out. She’d be in the same place.

OP, I understand where you're coming from and your worries about her future.

Have you read the book "Crying in H Mart?" It's by a musician (Michelle Zauner, goes by Japanese Breakfast), and it details her life after she graduates from Bryn Mawr and does exactly what your daughter is doing: Waitressing at a Mexican restaurant while trying to "make it" in the Philly punk scene with her band. It pretty accurately details how disappointed her mom was in her (I don't know if cultural elements are at play here, but Michelle Zauner's mom immigrated from Korea) and how she continued her passions anyways, even after her mother passes away.

It's a really powerful and moving elegy to a musician dealing with her mother's disappointment in her, and it has tons of compassion for both sides of this dilemma. Highly recommend. Even if your daughter doesn't become as famous as the author (which, let's be honest, probably won't happen), I think you'd benefit a lot from reading her "side."

PP here, I forgot to mention one last thing.

The book talks a lot about pride and shame. These are powerful emotions, but also potentially destructive to artists and musicians. IIRC in the book, Zauner refers to her younger self as "shameless" and regrets some of the actions she took against her mother because of that. But she also attributes this same shamelessness to lack of ego/pride that ended up catapulting her to success. If I had to take a guess, OP, you probably took a lot of pride in the fact that your DD was a "high achiever" who went to Vandy, and her current job situation brings you a lot of shame.

I'm willing to bet your DD lacks that shame as well, which is potentially very powerful for her as a musician. I also really appreciate down-to-earth people without egos as someone who has struggled with pride/shame my whole life.

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Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

I just worry about her longevity. She doesn’t ever ask me for money but lives in a crowded apartment with her girlfriend and band mates. She just had so much potential now it seems like she may as well have dropped out. She’d be in the same place.

OP, I understand where you're coming from and your worries about her future.

Have you read the book "Crying in H Mart?" It's by a musician (Michelle Zauner, goes by Japanese Breakfast), and it details her life after she graduates from Bryn Mawr and does exactly what your daughter is doing: Waitressing at a Mexican restaurant while trying to "make it" in the Philly punk scene with her band. It pretty accurately details how disappointed her mom was in her (I don't know if cultural elements are at play here, but Michelle Zauner's mom immigrated from Korea) and how she continued her passions anyways, even after her mother passes away.

It's a really powerful and moving elegy to a musician dealing with her mother's disappointment in her, and it has tons of compassion for both sides of this dilemma. Highly recommend. Even if your daughter doesn't become as famous as the author (which, let's be honest, probably won't happen), I think you'd benefit a lot from reading her "side."

Are there any drugs or drinks involved? Any mental health issues? As a parent, your frustration with her present situation and fears for her future are valid. To be fair, social work isn't lucrative or easy work. However she needs an adult accommodation in a safe area, health insurance and 401k/social security. You can offer to pay for a therapist or a career counselor. UT Austin student services or alumni network can provide some guidance. If she isn't perceptive to your advice, get an aunt or a cousin to have a discussion with her. She can keep her music as a side gig and stay connected to her music community without abandoning real life. If she did her masters in 2018, she is past 30. If she spent almost a decade in music and has some talent then she should've had some success and made some money. Anyways, you can only hope and advice, rest is neither your problem nor your responsibility. Only issue is that if she needs help or gets into trouble, you are the only one caring and paying for her so lets hope she stays happy and safe. Being parent is a life long trap.