Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

There is a middle ground. I had NO help as a young person, not that my parents couldn't help financially or were mean, but somehow it didn't even occur to them I might need to eat or find a place to live or that books and textbooks cost money. I made do, with difficulties. So sure, I don't want my children to ever go through what I did and feel alone and scared and I want to help with things like a downpayment, BUT I also don't want them to be given so much so often they can't operate as independent people and understand the world financially. It's a pretty hard spot to find imo because I am tempted to give them too much and do too much for them to compensate for my own tough young adulthood.

Agreed. I think the only way to raise kids who are independent, strategic and appreciative is for parents to invest the time and effort with their kids. As babies, they need to feel loved, their needs met and they have to trust you. The secure attachment is a must. As they grow up...parents need to sit and teach them, go over the subjects taught in school, be invested in their education and pay attention to their emotional, social, physical, mental health.

Explain the value of money and how it can be used as a tool for good. My kids and I would watch Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Ramit Sethi etc and have discussions. The most important thing that they understood was to invest in relationships, family, health and education. If your kids value system is messed up, all the negativity - greed, envy, anger, entitlement and sloth - will show up in how they view money.

OP here.

No on Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman. They are terrible.

First time checking this thread in a couple of days. Not sure who was describing frugality when you become relatively high income and then got attacked for not buying Birkin bags (whatever that is) but that post was relatable. I did something similar — sweat equity, earned my stability. Had more luxuries as kids became teens and that is their more familiar point of reference.

But my cars are 2010 and 2016 (and paid for for years), my house payment is $2,600 a month. We had fully funded 529. Kid got scholarship for tuition so I use it for off campus housing and she gets a check twice of month for food and incidentals. VA 529 has never asked for a receipt. The haircut was a surprise and I am sure we would get dinged for that if audited. But wasting money on food deliver is still food delivery.

And none of this is really relevant. What you have is a boundaries/communication problem. You need to make clear to her how much is coming, when it will come, and that outside of [i]emergencies [/i there will not be any more, nor will there be advances. And then you stick to that.

There are multiple right ways to handle finances with college and ACs, but I think clear boundaries and communication are necessary for all of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

There is a middle ground. I had NO help as a young person, not that my parents couldn't help financially or were mean, but somehow it didn't even occur to them I might need to eat or find a place to live or that books and textbooks cost money. I made do, with difficulties. So sure, I don't want my children to ever go through what I did and feel alone and scared and I want to help with things like a downpayment, BUT I also don't want them to be given so much so often they can't operate as independent people and understand the world financially. It's a pretty hard spot to find imo because I am tempted to give them too much and do too much for them to compensate for my own tough young adulthood.

Agreed. I think the only way to raise kids who are independent, strategic and appreciative is for parents to invest the time and effort with their kids. As babies, they need to feel loved, their needs met and they have to trust you. The secure attachment is a must. As they grow up...parents need to sit and teach them, go over the subjects taught in school, be invested in their education and pay attention to their emotional, social, physical, mental health.

Explain the value of money and how it can be used as a tool for good. My kids and I would watch Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Ramit Sethi etc and have discussions. The most important thing that they understood was to invest in relationships, family, health and education. If your kids value system is messed up, all the negativity - greed, envy, anger, entitlement and sloth - will show up in how they view money.

OP here.

No on Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman. They are terrible.

First time checking this thread in a couple of days. Not sure who was describing frugality when you become relatively high income and then got attacked for not buying Birkin bags (whatever that is) but that post was relatable. I did something similar — sweat equity, earned my stability. Had more luxuries as kids became teens and that is their more familiar point of reference.

But my cars are 2010 and 2016 (and paid for for years), my house payment is $2,600 a month. We had fully funded 529. Kid got scholarship for tuition so I use it for off campus housing and she gets a check twice of month for food and incidentals. VA 529 has never asked for a receipt. The haircut was a surprise and I am sure we would get dinged for that if audited. But wasting money on food deliver is still food delivery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

There is a middle ground. I had NO help as a young person, not that my parents couldn't help financially or were mean, but somehow it didn't even occur to them I might need to eat or find a place to live or that books and textbooks cost money. I made do, with difficulties. So sure, I don't want my children to ever go through what I did and feel alone and scared and I want to help with things like a downpayment, BUT I also don't want them to be given so much so often they can't operate as independent people and understand the world financially. It's a pretty hard spot to find imo because I am tempted to give them too much and do too much for them to compensate for my own tough young adulthood.

Agreed. I think the only way to raise kids who are independent, strategic and appreciative is for parents to invest the time and effort with their kids. As babies, they need to feel loved, their needs met and they have to trust you. The secure attachment is a must. As they grow up...parents need to sit and teach them, go over the subjects taught in school, be invested in their education and pay attention to their emotional, social, physical, mental health.

Explain the value of money and how it can be used as a tool for good. My kids and I would watch Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Ramit Sethi etc and have discussions. The most important thing that they understood was to invest in relationships, family, health and education. If your kids value system is messed up, all the negativity - greed, envy, anger, entitlement and sloth - will show up in how they view money.

OP here.

No on Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman. They are terrible.

First time checking this thread in a couple of days. Not sure who was describing frugality when you become relatively high income and then got attacked for not buying Birkin bags (whatever that is) but that post was relatable. I did something similar — sweat equity, earned my stability. Had more luxuries as kids became teens and that is their more familiar point of reference.

But my cars are 2010 and 2016 (and paid for for years), my house payment is $2,600 a month. We had fully funded 529. Kid got scholarship for tuition so I use it for off campus housing and she gets a check twice of month for food and incidentals. VA 529 has never asked for a receipt. The haircut was a surprise and I am sure we would get dinged for that if audited. But wasting money on food deliver is still food delivery.

Anonymous wrote:You are doing a really good job with this. Just stick to absolutely saying no two extras. She has to live within her means, and her means are extraordinarily generous. She still gets to be in a sorority. She’s not taking out student loans. She has a generous meal plan and her housing paid for. She actually doesn’t need money. And yet she will get more money in 10 days. Let her suffer the very, very minor slight inconveniences of having spent all of her money. She has to experience living within her needs. Just say no.

Anonymous wrote:We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

There is a middle ground. I had NO help as a young person, not that my parents couldn't help financially or were mean, but somehow it didn't even occur to them I might need to eat or find a place to live or that books and textbooks cost money. I made do, with difficulties. So sure, I don't want my children to ever go through what I did and feel alone and scared and I want to help with things like a downpayment, BUT I also don't want them to be given so much so often they can't operate as independent people and understand the world financially. It's a pretty hard spot to find imo because I am tempted to give them too much and do too much for them to compensate for my own tough young adulthood.

Agreed. I think the only way to raise kids who are independent, strategic and appreciative is for parents to invest the time and effort with their kids. As babies, they need to feel loved, their needs met and they have to trust you. The secure attachment is a must. As they grow up...parents need to sit and teach them, go over the subjects taught in school, be invested in their education and pay attention to their emotional, social, physical, mental health.

Explain the value of money and how it can be used as a tool for good. My kids and I would watch Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, Ramit Sethi etc and have discussions. The most important thing that they understood was to invest in relationships, family, health and education. If your kids value system is messed up, all the negativity - greed, envy, anger, entitlement and sloth - will show up in how they view money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

There is a middle ground. I had NO help as a young person, not that my parents couldn't help financially or were mean, but somehow it didn't even occur to them I might need to eat or find a place to live or that books and textbooks cost money. I made do, with difficulties. So sure, I don't want my children to ever go through what I did and feel alone and scared and I want to help with things like a downpayment, BUT I also don't want them to be given so much so often they can't operate as independent people and understand the world financially. It's a pretty hard spot to find imo because I am tempted to give them too much and do too much for them to compensate for my own tough young adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived below our means and so my kids do not have super expensive taste. We have given them a lot of financial leg-ups but they also know that we will pay for only things that we value.

We have lived in an inexpensive neighborhood, my kids have gone to public schools, DH has a horrible commute, we drive our cars until they die. But, we have also been able to afford many UMC things - yearly international vacation, bi-weekly cleaners, a 3000sqft SFH, tutors, expensive ECs etc.

When my kids made money (paid internship, merit scholarships for college) - we did not expect them to use it, instead we wanted them to save it in their Roth etc.

Here are the things we have paid for or will pay for -
- Every cost for college and grad school
- Each kid got a new sedan when they started college
- Travel, socializing, anything they wanted to buy in college - until they got a well-paying job.
- On our medical insurance until they turned 25
- Lived for free at home for as long as they want - no paying for rent, groceries, toiletries, medicine, utilities, use of vehicle etc. They only paid for their own gas, parking, car-insurance and social life. We told them that if they live with us permanently...they will have to chip in for some costs after they turn 35.
- Wedding
- Setting up first apartment after getting a job (Furniture, gadgets, appliances, bed, bath, kitchen and dining stuff)
- First work wardrobe
- Winter, hiking and sports gear, Luggage.
- Laptop, phone, headphones, smartwatch, other devices.
- 50K for down payment to their first house.

Once they start their job and are living separately from us - they pay for their own stuff (except what is listed above). We send them money gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

this is either a troll or the most tone-deaf clueless person on DCUM. you pay for all that and think you live frugally???

Yes.
Because if as parents you live frugally in your 20s, 30s, 40s - you are financially better off in your 50s and 60s, and can pay for your kids. The only debate is whether you want to make life easier for your kids or not.

- DH and I, paid off our college student debt within two years after graduating.
- We had a very simple wedding that our parents chipped in.
- We basically did not touch my earnings at all. Lived and saved on DH's earnings.
- We paid ourselves first.
- We mainly ate at home and cooked from scratch.
- Did not have kids for the first 5 years of our marriage because we were living in penurious conditions.
- Van-pooled and public transportation to work for first 6 years of working
- Bought a house at the bottom of the housing market, in an inexpensive neighborhood in MoCo, with poor public schools and with a long commute for DH.
- My kids did not go to private school. I tutored at home and they got a place in the magnet schools.
- I quit to become a SAHM and saved on childcare costs.
- My DH's traveled for work and that paid for our international travelling
- We had only 2 kids, no pets, and we drove old cars.
- My kids went to in-state public college with generous merit scholarships in lucrative STEM fields. We had saved money for their public college tuition.

Being frugal did not mean not being strategic. We did pay for cleaners and tutors, so that our energy could go towards supporting our kids. However, with cheap housing, no childcare cost, no debt and no private schools - we did not have major costs. Also, over the years, our HHI increased. Our retirement savings and investments compounded. We refinanced our house to the lowest interest rates. We are not a 30 - 40 yr old. We have been in the work place for a long time.

As a result -
- When it came time for my kids to go to college, since we did not pay tuition, we were in a position to pay for a car and living costs for them.
- Since they went close to home, we saved a bundle by letting them stay on our medical insurance, not paying for them to travel back home, being able to support them for material goods from home. They were raiding our costco stash instead of spending money at the commissary.
- Since it costs us pennies, we will always let them stay with us for free.

Now, please calculate what a new sedan, winter and sports gear, electronics devices, first professional wardrobe, first apartment set up will cost. I can guarantee that it will cost less than 4 years of private college. Or OOS public.

Paying for wedding, downpayment for house...these are the expenses that we can now afford to pay or not. We do have money set aside for that.

I love how living frugally on a high income is supposed to be some big accomplishment. Congrats I guess for not buying a Birkin? You are still tone deaf and think you accomplished a huge surprise. Guess what- its not that hard to save money when you make a lot. You just didnt fall for private school.

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder when you accumulate so much money over time ... what's the money meant for?

To sit in bank accounts? To re-invest? To take vacations?

I don't mind giving money to my adult kids.

Why the double hockey sticks would I want them to suffer like I did at their age?

Should I buy a new handbag for myself or pay their rent for 6 months?

I remember asking my mom for 1K 30 years ago so that I could not get evicted. My mom said, "if you get evicted there's something wrong with you, not me, I have 1K and you do not"

My mom's elderly and in a home and I have her blocked on all platforms. Her home costs 12K a month. Not my problem