I think taking the lazy approach and just sitting back and taking the guy that chases you leads to pretty unhealthy relationships. You should also want to be with the person, not just date them because they spent the most money on you, texted you the most, said the most validating things to you. Those things can be a veneer - just because someone goes all out and is all about you for the first bit so you decide he is the one doesn't mean he actually has qualities that make him a good partner. Being a passenger in your own life and not making active decisions leads to poor relationships.

Anonymous wrote:This is like Dating 101. The fact that it took you a divorce to learn this is probably why you're divorced.

This is like “The Rules” 2.0

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get how this works with OLD but IRL most of the women I know who are happy in their marriages picked the man not the other way around.

Yes, but they picked a man eager to be with them. That's the point.

DP, yes, that’s the point. A woman can ask out a man and then gauge how eager he acts after. It’s not all or nothing. Some posters act as though if she asks initially she will spend her life chasing. No, she can measure cues just as you are asking her to watch cues if he asked first but was slow to follow up.

Playing games never works.

Anonymous wrote:I get how this works with OLD but IRL most of the women I know who are happy in their marriages picked the man not the other way around.

Yes, but they picked a man eager to be with them. That's the point.

Anonymous wrote:I get how this works with OLD but IRL most of the women I know who are happy in their marriages picked the man not the other way around.

Sure, they picked the man who treated them well and made them feel safe and loved. They chose not to pick the deadbeat who "can't" text back or is "too busy" to plan a proper date.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve recently started dating after divorce and I only am engaging with men who demonstrate clear and eager interest in me. They call when they say they will, they schedule dates, they are respectful and let me lead the pace.

Why did I waste so much time chasing men who weren’t truly into me?

Ugh!

I don't know. My grandmother gave me this advice when I was a teenager, and it worked for me. I never dated anyone who did not do those things. I blew them off. Some of them came running back with better behavior.

Some men will do as little as possible that they can get away with. YOU (general) set the standard that you want to date. If you want to date someone who puts effort in, you need to avoid the ones who don't. There is no point in dating to change someone or dating for potential. If they don't treat you NOW how you want to be treated, it will not get better once you're married with 3 kids. Set yourself up for success asap!

I get how this works with OLD but IRL most of the women I know who are happy in their marriages picked the man not the other way around.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve recently started dating after divorce and I only am engaging with men who demonstrate clear and eager interest in me. They call when they say they will, they schedule dates, they are respectful and let me lead the pace.

Why did I waste so much time chasing men who weren’t truly into me?

Ugh!

I don't know. My grandmother gave me this advice when I was a teenager, and it worked for me. I never dated anyone who did not do those things. I blew them off. Some of them came running back with better behavior.

Anonymous wrote:There was a book 20+ years ago called “He’s Just Not That Into You.” The premise was that if a guy is into you, you’ll know. Good and simple book.

There is also the “Burned Haystack” dating method these days. If a guy shows a red flag or certain patterns, move along so you can find your needle in a haystack.

I love the burned haystack method, and I think it really helps cut through the dating "noise". There are so many men that just want to be penpals, or receive pics and not in it for a relationship. Learning to cut off men when they show their red flags is so valuable.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am not prey. I don't need someone chasing me. I don't play games. Clearly you haven't learned much from a failed marriage given you are starting out in a very unhealthy way.

I don't think OP is talking about playing games. She talks about displaying an interest, being proactive, pursuing the woman, impressing her. I don't think it is unhealthy relationship.

Exactly. Wanting someone who wants you is hardly unhealthy. I'm glad op recognized previous patterns that werent serving her and has adjusted her approach. Very mature. I'm not sure why pps are jumping on her for this.

Seems like one PP who is completely misunderstanding OP's point. OP isn't saying to run away, play games, etc. OP is saying only date men who initiate (kudos to another PP for finding the right word). I cringe when I look back at my 20s and, yes, 30s dating years and realize how much time I wasted on guys who, cliche as it is, just weren't that into me.

Initiate what? Asking you out? Planning 6 dates or whatever?. Texts or phone calls?

Initiate active engagement in all of it. Asks a few days in advance if and when I want to meet again; calls when he said he would call; picks up the phone and talks not hurriedly when I call him as agreed; discusses what we both want to do over the weekend; has interesting ideas of what to do; drives to my part of the city to meet without making a fuss; makes advance joint plans for holidays ; expresses interest in hearing how my day went etc.

So reciprocating. I can get behind reciprocating and showing a mutual level of interest.
I can't get behind a man must make all first moves.

Then try to make first moves with men you like . See what happens. You’ll understand right away

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not prey. I don't need someone chasing me. I don't play games. Clearly you haven't learned much from a failed marriage given you are starting out in a very unhealthy way.

I don't think OP is talking about playing games. She talks about displaying an interest, being proactive, pursuing the woman, impressing her. I don't think it is unhealthy relationship.

Exactly. Wanting someone who wants you is hardly unhealthy. I'm glad op recognized previous patterns that werent serving her and has adjusted her approach. Very mature. I'm not sure why pps are jumping on her for this.

Seems like one PP who is completely misunderstanding OP's point. OP isn't saying to run away, play games, etc. OP is saying only date men who initiate (kudos to another PP for finding the right word). I cringe when I look back at my 20s and, yes, 30s dating years and realize how much time I wasted on guys who, cliche as it is, just weren't that into me.

Initiate what? Asking you out? Planning 6 dates or whatever?. Texts or phone calls?

Initiate active engagement in all of it. Asks a few days in advance if and when I want to meet again; calls when he said he would call; picks up the phone and talks not hurriedly when I call him as agreed; discusses what we both want to do over the weekend; has interesting ideas of what to do; drives to my part of the city to meet without making a fuss; makes advance joint plans for holidays ; expresses interest in hearing how my day went etc.

So reciprocating. I can get behind reciprocating and showing a mutual level of interest.
I can't get behind a man must make all first moves.

Anonymous wrote:There was always a pattern in the men who were serious about me. At the end of the date, they would “plan” the next date. What I mean by that is they would mention when they were free next or talk about what we could do on the next date. Basically, they would secure the next date. Our subsequent texts would be about hashing out the details. The guys who were always vague at the end of the date never really panned out.

Yes, these are just basic social cues.

There was always a pattern in the men who were serious about me. At the end of the date, they would “plan” the next date. What I mean by that is they would mention when they were free next or talk about what we could do on the next date. Basically, they would secure the next date. Our subsequent texts would be about hashing out the details. The guys who were always vague at the end of the date never really panned out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not prey. I don't need someone chasing me. I don't play games. Clearly you haven't learned much from a failed marriage given you are starting out in a very unhealthy way.

I don't think OP is talking about playing games. She talks about displaying an interest, being proactive, pursuing the woman, impressing her. I don't think it is unhealthy relationship.

Exactly. Wanting someone who wants you is hardly unhealthy. I'm glad op recognized previous patterns that werent serving her and has adjusted her approach. Very mature. I'm not sure why pps are jumping on her for this.

Seems like one PP who is completely misunderstanding OP's point. OP isn't saying to run away, play games, etc. OP is saying only date men who initiate (kudos to another PP for finding the right word). I cringe when I look back at my 20s and, yes, 30s dating years and realize how much time I wasted on guys who, cliche as it is, just weren't that into me.

100%. I try to tell my daughter this but as we all know, the heart wants what the heart wants, and hope springs eternal.