Anonymous wrote:I think we can clearly see the difference between gentle/neglectful/permissive parenting techniques, and authoritative parenting. A swat on the arm is not beating a child or slapping a child or punching a child. When a child reaches for a hot stove, my instinct will be swatting the arm as I say no. But if you’re part of the permissive or gentle type, you try to reason with the child and they end up getting burned.
A swat on the arm will have a lasting memory - touch Larla’s stuff and you get a swat. Redirecting does not have a lasting impact.

Absolutely not. The only time you use any type of force with a child is if you are restraining them for their safety or someone else's, like your stove example. Otherwise, physical punishment or hitting is unacceptable. Use your words.

Anonymous wrote:I think we can clearly see the difference between gentle/neglectful/permissive parenting techniques, and authoritative parenting. A swat on the arm is not beating a child or slapping a child or punching a child. When a child reaches for a hot stove, my instinct will be swatting the arm as I say no. But if you’re part of the permissive or gentle type, you try to reason with the child and they end up getting burned.
A swat on the arm will have a lasting memory - touch Larla’s stuff and you get a swat. Redirecting does not have a lasting impact.

You swatting your child’s arm to keep them safe from the stove is not at all comparable to the situation. You’re being purposefully obtuse. You’re telling me if you found out a teenager you didn’t have a prior relationship with hit your child you’d be okay with it? GMAFB. Everyone commenting here that it’s no big deal would be blowing a gasket if this happened to them.

Tell SIL you will go no contact. There.

Anonymous wrote:I think we can clearly see the difference between gentle/neglectful/permissive parenting techniques, and authoritative parenting. A swat on the arm is not beating a child or slapping a child or punching a child. When a child reaches for a hot stove, my instinct will be swatting the arm as I say no. But if you’re part of the permissive or gentle type, you try to reason with the child and they end up getting burned.
A swat on the arm will have a lasting memory - touch Larla’s stuff and you get a swat. Redirecting does not have a lasting impact.

Keeping a kid from a hit stove and "annoying another kid" are not remotely comparable.

Hitting a kid just teaches them to hit other kids. You're teaching a kid that being annoyed is an acceptable reason to hit.

I think we can clearly see the difference between gentle/neglectful/permissive parenting techniques, and authoritative parenting. A swat on the arm is not beating a child or slapping a child or punching a child. When a child reaches for a hot stove, my instinct will be swatting the arm as I say no. But if you’re part of the permissive or gentle type, you try to reason with the child and they end up getting burned.
A swat on the arm will have a lasting memory - touch Larla’s stuff and you get a swat. Redirecting does not have a lasting impact.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My 7 year old was just at my niece's birthday party with a bunch of 3 year olds and handled himself more maturely. Did some 3 year olds bother him and cross his boundaries? Absolutely. He said no and then asked for a break.

Did none of the people talking about kids touching stuff not have younger siblings? I'm about 8 years older than my youngest sibling and yes, she got into stuff and no, I wasn't allowed to smack her.

If you read the OP‘s update, you’d see that the teenager tried by moving her things and going to a different room. The five year followed. The parent of the five-year-old should have intervened and redirected her child to something else instead of assuming a teenager is going to babysit for free.

The teen also could have talked to OP or her own parent. Like my 7 year old talked to me.

Again, not hard to avoid hitting a kid.

The 15 year old is ALSO a kid, dummy.

Right which is why none of us are suggesting that the 4 year old’s parents press charges or knock he’s lights out, which is how we respond if an unrelated adult assaulted our child.

I mean also 4 year old who hit another 4 year old would be getting a time out and a talking to and not gifts. The idea that this is okay because she's 15 makes no sense.

OP, your boyfriend and his daughter are in the wrong here, but I suspect you know that. I’m guessing SIL won’t let her child around them again - I wouldn’t. Obviously it’s a different story if it was an older sibling or cousin, etc. But the bratty teenage daughter of your random boyfriend? Forget it.

Anonymous wrote:My family would’ve jumped her. And her daddy

I would that be on set of the Jerry Springer show or out in the yard fo all the neighbors?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7 year old was just at my niece's birthday party with a bunch of 3 year olds and handled himself more maturely. Did some 3 year olds bother him and cross his boundaries? Absolutely. He said no and then asked for a break.

Did none of the people talking about kids touching stuff not have younger siblings? I'm about 8 years older than my youngest sibling and yes, she got into stuff and no, I wasn't allowed to smack her.

If you read the OP‘s update, you’d see that the teenager tried by moving her things and going to a different room. The five year followed. The parent of the five-year-old should have intervened and redirected her child to something else instead of assuming a teenager is going to babysit for free.

The teen also could have talked to OP or her own parent. Like my 7 year old talked to me.

Again, not hard to avoid hitting a kid.

The 15 year old is ALSO a kid, dummy.

Right which is why none of us are suggesting that the 4 year old’s parents press charges or knock he’s lights out, which is how we respond if an unrelated adult assaulted our child.

Anonymous wrote:Team Teen. I’m assuming the girl didn’t immediately resort to swatting him on the arm. And I’m assuming SIL wasn’t discipline fhim or keeping a proper eye on him.

Depending on how long you’ve been dating your boyfriend, these are quasi-family. Teens and toddlers will sometimes scuffle or not act like their best selves. Your SIL overreacted. And your boyfriend got pissed and met her energy.

You’re sick if you think a teenager should be hitting a preschooler. Just crawl back into your hole.

This is why you don’t date people with teens and then try to bring them around family and pretend everyone is one big happy family.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think a swat on the arm is the end of the world like some PP but the behavior afterwards of taking her shopping and getting treats is a red flag to me. That’s not appropriate when someone has done something wrong, even if there are extenuating circumstances.

Yeah rewarding his daughter for hitting a kid is absolutely bonkers.

I don’t think a swat on the arm is the end of the world like some PP but the behavior afterwards of taking her shopping and getting treats is a red flag to me. That’s not appropriate when someone has done something wrong, even if there are extenuating circumstances.

Honestly, I think SIL is the trigger here and as a result, bears most responsibility. The boyfriend should have kept his temper and not responded in kind, so he is to blame as well.

I think it's forgivable for an annoyed teen to do a little swat on a 5 year old - 4-5 years olds are at the worst age where they are big enough to annoy the heck out of people but are developmentally still not entirely ready to control their impulses.

Next time the teen should use her words to ask the parent to control their kid. But given how SIL reacted, perhaps the teen did not feel comfortable communicating with her, if she's habitually defensive of her child.

I would not fault the teen at all. I would not fault the kid, he may have hyperactive ADHD or may not have benefited from good parenting.

But SIL is awful. And the boyfriend is not far behind.

Op, you have a trashy boyfriend. He probably hit his kid when s/he was younger and that is where s/he learned that hitting a much younger child is appropriate.