Very helpful is getting to know a guys family. Are they happy, loving, successful, and enjoy being together. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Anonymous wrote:Some people just have poor judgment, some men and women are deceitful, some are good at lying, and some just want to hurt people. Some are stupid, but fool you into thinking they are smart. Some people are narcissists, some people are shallow, and care about how a man dresses!!! but think they are great for that thinking.
You see what I mean? Each hole has a patch, many are arseholes and arsepatches.
If you are looking for perfection, look inward. Are you perfect?

Nice, kind and lacking anger issues are not perfection. Honesty, integrity and family values are not perfection.

It's much easier to frame it as "well no one is perfect" rather than "my bar is so low and still no one can meet it". Raise the bar a little. Find someone who deserves your love and attention. Stop giving it away to men who don't satisfy your needs.

Anonymous wrote:I asked DW this question and she said she'd check with her sister.

This made me

Some people just have poor judgment, some men and women are deceitful, some are good at lying, and some just want to hurt people. Some are stupid, but fool you into thinking they are smart. Some people are narcissists, some people are shallow, and care about how a man dresses!!! but think they are great for that thinking.
You see what I mean? Each hole has a patch, many are arseholes and arsepatches.
If you are looking for perfection, look inward. Are you perfect?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By breaking it off with anyone who isn't. No fixer uppers. Just wish him well and move on.

I wanted an educated man from a good family (married parents)

This is huge. Must be married and that marriage has to be good! It’s pretty easy to assess, too, if you spend any time with the family. Divorce? Hiding the family? Weird dynamics? Dysfunction? NEXT!

Anonymous wrote:I landed an amazing, kind, caring, successful, insanely hot guy after decades of only attracting complete and total losers.

It came down to two things:

1. Hold myself to the same standard: attractive, successful, etc. I’ve found I attract higher quality men at age 40 because I am very career driven and successful, than I did in my 20s when I was extremely beautiful but had little going for me.

2. Hold men to an extremely high standard, be extremely upfront and direct about what I want, and immediately cut off anyone who doesn’t fit that. Too many women waste their time pursuing mediocre men. I speak up for what I want, and if a man won’t meet that, I end things.

When you treat yourself like the prize, men value you more.

I definitely agree with this one. Think about what you want in 20 years. Why would you settle *now* for a man who has a temper, yells at you, swears at you, neglects you, would rather be out with his boys, etc etc etc. I see a certain type of person posting on relationship threads telling women to settle for less (something like) "this is why so many marriages break up, people give up too easily! He just made a mistake!" - dating is to weed out anyone incompatible so that it isn't a marriage that breaks up. It's simply two single people leaving each other to find someone more compatible.

Don't let people make you feel like your standards are too high. IMO I'd rather be alone than in a poor relationship. There are far worse things than being alone.

They don't settle for less.

They block or walk after the first sign of disrespect.

They don't waste time with losers or anyone who doesn't meet their standards.

It's actually so easy, but if someone is desperate for attention or not willing to be alone, they will settle for the first loser who throws them a tiny crumb. Don't be that person.

Such typical narc dcum answers! "I am perfect... that is why I am the best and how I got the best guy!"

It is because they are confident, have good self-esteem, and have a secure attachment style. They discard anyone who is not on par right away.

Anonymous wrote:By breaking it off with anyone who isn't. No fixer uppers. Just wish him well and move on.

+1
Knowing what you are looking for. I was very up front about my expectations. I even had some guys dump me because they felt like they were in a job interview - well, they were - the most important job interview in life!! I wanted an educated man from a good family (married parents) who was kind, loving, and supportive of my ambitions and career. I told men right up front this is what I wanted and many left. Good. May stayed and it didn’t work out because our interests were different. I am very sporty and wanted a guy to ski, run and rock climb with - or at least one that didn’t get jealous of me doing these things with male friends- very few women can keep up with me, so I had (before kids) lots of male friends to do these things with. Most of my climbing and ski partners were totally unsuitable for me to marry, ie not educated or ambitious career wise. Turns out I met a guy in grad school who was actually as good or better than me at all these things. His parents were loving and kind, and so is he. - I totally fell in love almost immediately. When I look back at my early dating days I probably would have missed him - in HS he was goth with a Mohawk and earrings. You’d never guess that now. I was the preppy trendy girl who listened to popular music and was mainstream.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband fits this description. I think the one helpful thing is to be attractive enough (“cute”) but not so beautiful that the wrong types of guys see you as a challenge to get or chase you for status.

My husband also made it clear early on that he wanted to have a family and showed me he had really good executive functioning skills and no real vices. I suspect other women passed him over because he seemed “boring” (i.e. responsible) when we were in our 20’s. I snapped him up before anyone else realized what a good guy he was. He is a great dad and husband and I am thankful every day.

This is huge.

Yep my friend always wanted the super hot guy. Who was in a band or barely employed with no education. Didn’t want a boring guy who dressed up for work. She was married about 18 months to her “hot” guy until she finally realized what a loser he was.

Anonymous wrote:My husband fits this description. I think the one helpful thing is to be attractive enough (“cute”) but not so beautiful that the wrong types of guys see you as a challenge to get or chase you for status.

My husband also made it clear early on that he wanted to have a family and showed me he had really good executive functioning skills and no real vices. I suspect other women passed him over because he seemed “boring” (i.e. responsible) when we were in our 20’s. I snapped him up before anyone else realized what a good guy he was. He is a great dad and husband and I am thankful every day.

This is huge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one. I chose him, lol. I met him at work shortly after I started, we are both lawyers. The first time I saw him, he was standing in a hallway talking to someone, smiling and laughing. I asked my friend "Who is that great looking guy?" In a place where everyone hates everyone, everyone liked him. I knew immediately he was the one. No one else would do, lol. Twenty years later, and he's still amazing, and everyone still likes him. He's by far the best thing that ever happened to me.

You just have to recognize a really great one when you see them, lol.

Ok, now I want to hear his side of it.

PP here. It’s probably something like “She followed me around until I just gave in. I’m glad I gave in, though.”

Anonymous wrote:Well, it probably helps to know what to look for. I’ve often thought that girls who had amazing, caring, reliable fathers probably both seek out and attract amazing, caring, reliable guys. Those types of relationships feel natural and normal to them — as might rejecting interactions with guys who are uncaring ind unreliable.

It can go the opposite way as well. I had an absent father and abusive stepfather, and I knew exactly what I did NOT want and once I grew up, I had no problem saying no to it.

1/3 luck
1/3 being nice, cute, smart yourself
1/3 knowing what a good guy looks like, either because you had a great dad or you just figured it out along the way