Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

OP here.

I have thought about your last paragraph. Thinking about how things were before kids and I don't remember having tension. But who knows.. I'm not sure if he would "go back to being normal" once our kids are grown and on their own or continue to stay as he currently is.

It's funny that my biggest gripe of all is just wanting him to spend time with us. He is never mentally present. And most times he runs off so he can't be mentally present if he's not even physically present.

Stop lying to yourself.

You're not going to have 40 great years with this person after he's done running you into the ground without mercy for two decades.

It's a lot more likely that he leaves you once he's done using you for the thankless task of raising his children.

The number of men who leave their SAHM wives after their children have grown and child support is either not a concern or less of a concern is epidemic.

Don't ever forget that.

OP here. Wow, that is terrifying to think about.. ugh.

I have felt like roommates for a while, especially after becoming pregnant again. Pregnancy with two other kids was quite difficult to me. I wasn't radiating energy while working on my sourdough starter and elegantly crafting. I was just trying to survive each day and make it up the stairs without fainting.

I absolutely adore my children, and my third is the perfect little round out to me and my other kids.

It's hard for me to understand his desire to have more children, let alone any children at all, if he doesn't want to help me raise them. I just don't get it.

It's hard to understand why he wants more children when you're the one doing all the work of raising them? It's hard to understand why he wants to produce more chains to bind you into your unequal dynamic? It's hard to understand why he wants to physically sabotage any chance of you being able to go back to work and attain a financial standing with which you could force changes to your dynamic?

Come on, girl. You're smarter than this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He knows exactly how skewed the dynamic is and he's telling you that you're going to deal with this or else he'll impoverish you.

This gave me chills. This dynamic is so evil.

PP here. Yes, evil is their exact right word for this man and many other men like him. A lot of women live with evil people in the form of their husbands. The reality is so disturbing and terrifying, and society is so cruel in blaming women who are the mercy of these evil men, that women end up deep in denial. Hence posts like OP's (and that's not a criticism of you, OP -- neither this bastard's behavior nor your denial are your fault).

OP here. I appreciate your kind words.

I've mentioned a few times that he wasn't always like this.

Thanks for your reply.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

This is a stupid question. Do you think he revealed upfront that he's going to be a manipulative misogynist who would use her fertility and their children against her? Why do people like you like to pretend you don't know full well that men perpetrate conscienceless fraud in all walks of life, especially romance?

OP here. Thank you. Yes, I guess as a few have pointed out, I'm also the problem. I didn't realize going into parenthood that dads, who helped to create the children, wouldn't want to be as involved with their kids as the mothers.

He wasn't always like this. And I mentioned earlier that things have really gotten bad after I became pregnant with our third. During the pregnancy, he made a few comments that really hurt me (like why do you have to lay down for a bit or nap? Insinuating that I shouldn't be tired) - keep in mind I only did this 3-4 times the entire pregnancy.

I also believe he is a misogynist based on info I found earlier this year. So.. to some (all?) I'm a bumbling idiot for staying together - I have to face reality even though it sucks and regardless of what I do, I worry for my children.

Feels like a shit sandwich either way.

Of course, you didn't realize this.

How could you imagine that a person exists who would initiate a labor-intensive lifelong project fully intending to do as little as possible towards that project and to use every trick and ploy imaginable to exploit an unsuspecting person--YOU--for all of the labor that project requires?

And yet, this is what the average man does and exactly what your husband did. Time to talk plainly about this. Men connive and use the fact that WE gestate and give birth to sneak exploitative dynamics on us. There's a lot I can say about how this pretends that the physical realities of male and female don't matter anymore has to do with why so many women are still being suckered by these fools. Men know that the physical differences matter and they use them against us.

Anyway let's stop pretending these men who can hold down high-level jobs with intricate responsibilities somehow become lobotomized when they cross the threshold of their homes. They know what they're doing.

I hope nobody wastes my time by arguing that holding down a job is a man's contribution. Would these men not work if they weren't married? These men work because they want to eat and enjoy good social standing and luxuries. The fact that their families benefit is incidental. We all see how many men try their best to prevent their families from enjoy any financial benefit from them the moment they divorce and can run off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

OP here.

I have thought about your last paragraph. Thinking about how things were before kids and I don't remember having tension. But who knows.. I'm not sure if he would "go back to being normal" once our kids are grown and on their own or continue to stay as he currently is.

It's funny that my biggest gripe of all is just wanting him to spend time with us. He is never mentally present. And most times he runs off so he can't be mentally present if he's not even physically present.

Stop lying to yourself.

You're not going to have 40 great years with this person after he's done running you into the ground without mercy for two decades.

It's a lot more likely that he leaves you once he's done using you for the thankless task of raising his children.

The number of men who leave their SAHM wives after their children have grown and child support is either not a concern or less of a concern is epidemic.

Don't ever forget that.

OP here. Wow, that is terrifying to think about.. ugh.

I have felt like roommates for a while, especially after becoming pregnant again. Pregnancy with two other kids was quite difficult to me. I wasn't radiating energy while working on my sourdough starter and elegantly crafting. I was just trying to survive each day and make it up the stairs without fainting.

I absolutely adore my children, and my third is the perfect little round out to me and my other kids.

It's hard for me to understand his desire to have more children, let alone any children at all, if he doesn't want to help me raise them. I just don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

OP here.

I have thought about your last paragraph. Thinking about how things were before kids and I don't remember having tension. But who knows.. I'm not sure if he would "go back to being normal" once our kids are grown and on their own or continue to stay as he currently is.

It's funny that my biggest gripe of all is just wanting him to spend time with us. He is never mentally present. And most times he runs off so he can't be mentally present if he's not even physically present.

Stop lying to yourself.

You're not going to have 40 great years with this person after he's done running you into the ground without mercy for two decades.

It's a lot more likely that he leaves you once he's done using you for the thankless task of raising his children.

The number of men who leave their SAHM wives after their children have grown and child support is either not a concern or less of a concern is epidemic.

Don't ever forget that.

I totally agree. Proceeding as if you have to white-knuckle your way through 15-18 more years of watching this guy play Candy Crush on the couch while you chase toddlers, then drive around middle schoolers, then discipline teens, and expecting to come out on the other side with anything other than an urge to immolate this guy is a pipedream. Even if he doesn't dump her when their youngest goes to college, she'll hate him at this point. You can't hit the pause button on respect for over a decade and survive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

This is a stupid post and embarrassing from a so-called child psychiatrist. Men don't have the same experiences? Ridiculous horse shit. No, the truth is that men don't seek out any of the experiences and disdain the knowledge they need to be effective parents and partners because they don't care.

They also know that people like you will enable them in their parasitism by making stupid excuses and telling overworked wives they can't expect an adult of normal intelligence not to be a free-riding loser.

There is no female-only vortex in which the parenting books and resources you refer to are located. In fact, these resources are more available to men because their myopic self-focus and exploitative refusal to do their fair share means they have way more free time.

❤️

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

This is a stupid question. Do you think he revealed upfront that he's going to be a manipulative misogynist who would use her fertility and their children against her? Why do people like you like to pretend you don't know full well that men perpetrate conscienceless fraud in all walks of life, especially romance?

OP here. Thank you. Yes, I guess as a few have pointed out, I'm also the problem. I didn't realize going into parenthood that dads, who helped to create the children, wouldn't want to be as involved with their kids as the mothers.

He wasn't always like this. And I mentioned earlier that things have really gotten bad after I became pregnant with our third. During the pregnancy, he made a few comments that really hurt me (like why do you have to lay down for a bit or nap? Insinuating that I shouldn't be tired) - keep in mind I only did this 3-4 times the entire pregnancy.

I also believe he is a misogynist based on info I found earlier this year. So.. to some (all?) I'm a bumbling idiot for staying together - I have to face reality even though it sucks and regardless of what I do, I worry for my children.

Feels like a shit sandwich either way.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you had too many kids and are the primary parent. Being together for a long long time has nothing to do with being married to a deadbeat. Marriage counseling crickets for 7 years and still proceeded to have another baby? You are part of the problem, too.

This is an a$$hole post. You're dickhead of the week for sure.

It's incredibly nasty to blame OP for her wicked husband's behavior because she loves children and wanted more while she's still fertile. Some of you need to be slapped hard and then slapped again each time you try to post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

This is a stupid post and embarrassing from a so-called child psychiatrist. Men don't have the same experiences? Ridiculous horse shit. No, the truth is that men don't seek out any of the experiences and disdain the knowledge they need to be effective parents and partners because they don't care.

They also know that people like you will enable them in their parasitism by making stupid excuses and telling overworked wives they can't expect an adult of normal intelligence not to be a free-riding loser.

There is no female-only vortex in which the parenting books and resources you refer to are located. In fact, these resources are more available to men because their myopic self-focus and exploitative refusal to do their fair share means they have way more free time.

I lol'ed at this too. "You can't expect men to jump in, they have no practice". Also "they have no opportunity to practice".


Like just pull up the coffee table for the guy so he can put his feet up while you're at it.

-1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

OP here.

I have thought about your last paragraph. Thinking about how things were before kids and I don't remember having tension. But who knows.. I'm not sure if he would "go back to being normal" once our kids are grown and on their own or continue to stay as he currently is.

It's funny that my biggest gripe of all is just wanting him to spend time with us. He is never mentally present. And most times he runs off so he can't be mentally present if he's not even physically present.

Stop lying to yourself.

You're not going to have 40 great years with this person after he's done running you into the ground without mercy for two decades.

It's a lot more likely that he leaves you once he's done using you for the thankless task of raising his children.

The number of men who leave their SAHM wives after their children have grown and child support is either not a concern or less of a concern is epidemic.

Don't ever forget that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

This is a stupid post and embarrassing from a so-called child psychiatrist. Men don't have the same experiences? Ridiculous horse shit. No, the truth is that men don't seek out any of the experiences and disdain the knowledge they need to be effective parents and partners because they don't care.

They also know that people like you will enable them in their parasitism by making stupid excuses and telling overworked wives they can't expect an adult of normal intelligence not to be a free-riding loser.

There is no female-only vortex in which the parenting books and resources you refer to are located. In fact, these resources are more available to men because their myopic self-focus and exploitative refusal to do their fair share means they have way more free time.

I lol'ed at this too. "You can't expect men to jump in, they have no practice". Also "they have no opportunity to practice".

Like just pull up the coffee table for the guy so he can put his feet up while you're at it.

Thank you. I have never wanted more badly to reach through my computer screen and slap someone. The fact that this clown leads off with a claim that they are a child psychiatrist, a sneaky form of appeal to authority, makes it even worse.

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

OP here.

I have thought about your last paragraph. Thinking about how things were before kids and I don't remember having tension. But who knows.. I'm not sure if he would "go back to being normal" once our kids are grown and on their own or continue to stay as he currently is.

It's funny that my biggest gripe of all is just wanting him to spend time with us. He is never mentally present. And most times he runs off so he can't be mentally present if he's not even physically present.

Anonymous wrote:

He knows exactly how skewed the dynamic is and he's telling you that you're going to deal with this or else he'll impoverish you.

This gave me chills. This dynamic is so evil.

PP here. Yes, evil is their exact right word for this man and many other men like him. A lot of women live with evil people in the form of their husbands. The reality is so disturbing and terrifying, and society is so cruel in blaming women who are the mercy of these evil men, that women end up deep in denial. Hence posts like OP's (and that's not a criticism of you, OP -- neither this bastard's behavior nor your denial are your fault).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child psychiatrist here. The first 6 sound like ADHD. The last 5 don’t.

I have four kids close in age, and some of this just sounds like life with multiple small children. It’s a skill and takes a lot of work. That’s not recognized by society in general, but it’s true. You really can’t expect your spouse who has very little practice to just jump in.
I also think that men have very little knowledge on what life with little kids is “supposed” to look like. Women read parenting books and join playgroups, but men don’t have any of the same experiences, so they think that life is supposed to look like it does on television.

Other posters might be right that you are headed towards divorce, but if he wants to work on things, you might just have these 5-10 difficult years and then have another 40 great ones.

This is a stupid post and embarrassing from a so-called child psychiatrist. Men don't have the same experiences? Ridiculous horse shit. No, the truth is that men don't seek out any of the experiences and disdain the knowledge they need to be effective parents and partners because they don't care.

They also know that people like you will enable them in their parasitism by making stupid excuses and telling overworked wives they can't expect an adult of normal intelligence not to be a free-riding loser.

There is no female-only vortex in which the parenting books and resources you refer to are located. In fact, these resources are more available to men because their myopic self-focus and exploitative refusal to do their fair share means they have way more free time.

I lol'ed at this too. "You can't expect men to jump in, they have no practice". Also "they have no opportunity to practice".

Like just pull up the coffee table for the guy so he can put his feet up while you're at it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

This is a stupid question. Do you think he revealed upfront that he's going to be a manipulative misogynist who would use her fertility and their children against her? Why do people like you like to pretend you don't know full well that men perpetrate conscienceless fraud in all walks of life, especially romance?