My kids are 18 and 20. They choose

I don't blame this kid one bit. No matter how generous you are, he is being forced to choose. Even as an adult, I'm sure he doesn't want to house-hop for holidays (remember, he now has his OWN home). Be kind. Once he has his own family, you'll likely never spend another holiday together again.

He's 26. He can rent a car. Tell him which dates you are going to the beach, and if he does not want to drive with you, tell him you will pay for flight to beach or rental car from wherever to beach. Tell him he can decide when he arrives and that you understand he will probably want to spend Christmas with Mom.

This is a strange post. He is an adult. He goes where he wants. Parents should not be involved.

Anonymous wrote:After 18 years I would be done listening to the whining. A grown ass adult at 26 years old should be able to make up his own mind.

Text him. "We have these plans on these dates. Let us know by this day, which events you can attend."

Leave the rest to him. Make a basic plan and if he shows up, he shows up.

I really doubt that he can't make up his own mind. He's probably just doesn't really care who he sees on what day, and he's doing this for one of two reasons (or both).

1) Taking OP at her word that her DH's ex is difficult, the son doesn't want to discuss this with his mother because his mother is difficult. He would rather make his father do this, because it is a pain.

2) If the son makes the plans, one or more of the adults will likely complain about it and he will have to re-plan. So it seems simpler, in the eyes of the son, to put the adults in conversation with each other, rather than the son being the go-between.

I am an ACOD who makes my own plans and honestly it sucks. Call mom and request her schedule, which depends on her partner's. Then call dad and request his, which of course depends on his wife. Then plot something that works for all four grandparents and also for me, my husband, and my kids' schedules (school, work, sports), then call each household to relay the information. This is a pain! I do it because I like to have control of my family's schedule, but it's a time-suck and I wish I didn't have to do it. I really envy people whose parents are happily married.

After 18 years I would be done listening to the whining. A grown ass adult at 26 years old should be able to make up his own mind.

Text him. "We have these plans on these dates. Let us know by this day, which events you can attend."

Leave the rest to him. Make a basic plan and if he shows up, he shows up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have dysfunctional family dynamics . The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Fixed that for you.

We have conversations about our plans and are considerate so this doesn’t happen. My SS is 32 and married himself. His wife is a nurse. When DIL works Thanksgiving or Christmas, he visits his mom. When DIL doesn’t, they visit us or her mom. They won’t have kids so maybe that’s why it is all less fraught for us.

It's very rude of you to edit my words. And no, it's because of the divorce. My family functions well. Yet, it's still logistical work to plan across two households. No matter how well people get along, it's still a chore. Stop trying to pretend it isn't a burden to your stepson. It is. And maybe that's part of why no kids.

1. Common practice online

2. It’s only a chore because you are inserting yourself in the decision making. Just say, “You are welcome when you can make it!” and actually mean it. You don’t have to do more.

3. My SS and DIL won’t have kids because her health is the priority over reproducing.

I'm the adult child. I have to decide where I and my husband and children will be at what time. Then make sure we have all our stuff and transport everyone and their stuff. It's a pain.

Why not just stay home, then?

You can host or just enjoy your immediate family.

I do not understand why people act as if spending the holidays with family is legally required upon pain of death.

Because I feel a moral obligation to my children that they spend time with their grandparents, and because my parents are not healthy enough to travel to me.

It is possible —more desirable even— to do this at a time other than the major holidays.

It’s cheaper.

There’s less emotional messiness.

You can start new traditions.

All you are communicating to your kids is that holiday family gatherings are stressful.

Because it would still be two houses, and I would still have to coordinate logistics. That's the point. Two houses is more a pain than one. Try to wrap your head around it. No matter what, no matter when, it will still be two houses, and it will be more a pain than just one, and someone will have to lead the scheduling process. Divorced people are always trying to defensively minimize the impact and pretend like there's some magic solution that I haven't thought of. But there isn't. It's a pain and it always will be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have dysfunctional family dynamics . The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Fixed that for you.

We have conversations about our plans and are considerate so this doesn’t happen. My SS is 32 and married himself. His wife is a nurse. When DIL works Thanksgiving or Christmas, he visits his mom. When DIL doesn’t, they visit us or her mom. They won’t have kids so maybe that’s why it is all less fraught for us.

It's very rude of you to edit my words. And no, it's because of the divorce. My family functions well. Yet, it's still logistical work to plan across two households. No matter how well people get along, it's still a chore. Stop trying to pretend it isn't a burden to your stepson. It is. And maybe that's part of why no kids.

1. Common practice online

2. It’s only a chore because you are inserting yourself in the decision making. Just say, “You are welcome when you can make it!” and actually mean it. You don’t have to do more.

3. My SS and DIL won’t have kids because her health is the priority over reproducing.

I'm the adult child. I have to decide where I and my husband and children will be at what time. Then make sure we have all our stuff and transport everyone and their stuff. It's a pain.

Why not just stay home, then?

You can host or just enjoy your immediate family.

I do not understand why people act as if spending the holidays with family is legally required upon pain of death.

Because I feel a moral obligation to my children that they spend time with their grandparents, and because my parents are not healthy enough to travel to me.

It is possible —more desirable even— to do this at a time other than the major holidays.

It’s cheaper.

There’s less emotional messiness.

You can start new traditions.

All you are communicating to your kids is that holiday family gatherings are stressful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The DH needs to NOT be talking to the mom of his 26 YEAR OLD 'child' about the 'child's' plans. That's ridiculous! I coparent and have one minor, and 2 adult kids. The adults (and the 26 is one) make their arrangements with us parents (we do talk regarding the minor of course).

Essentially, we let the adult kids know our plans (ex. I'm planning to serve dinner at 3) and the adult 'child' lets me know if they are coming or not, or if there is any flexibility ('dad's eating at 2, could we eat later? 'sounds good, see you then') .

OP, in your case, I'd just assume the adult dc is coming and ignore the dh and ex. Just step away from their nonsense.

OP here. That's exactly how I thought things would be. I guess knowing I'm not nuts will have to suffice.

Honestly, I wonder if all the folks saying to set a routing have adult kids. What on earth would that look like. We sit at home with no plans if it's not "our week"? We make plans but tell DSS he can't come because it's his mom's week?

At this point, I think the best I can do is keep things as low stress as possible. At some point, maybe soon, DSS will get a serious partner and the more pleasant we make the holiday experience, the more likely we will get time with him. And I have a feeling once there is another person in the mix, DSS will just let us know his plans, and we can work around his schedule!

He’ll pick a partner with less dramatic parents and they will spend every holiday with them.

OP seems chill honestly. Go OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The DH needs to NOT be talking to the mom of his 26 YEAR OLD 'child' about the 'child's' plans. That's ridiculous! I coparent and have one minor, and 2 adult kids. The adults (and the 26 is one) make their arrangements with us parents (we do talk regarding the minor of course).

Essentially, we let the adult kids know our plans (ex. I'm planning to serve dinner at 3) and the adult 'child' lets me know if they are coming or not, or if there is any flexibility ('dad's eating at 2, could we eat later? 'sounds good, see you then') .

OP, in your case, I'd just assume the adult dc is coming and ignore the dh and ex. Just step away from their nonsense.

OP here. That's exactly how I thought things would be. I guess knowing I'm not nuts will have to suffice.

Honestly, I wonder if all the folks saying to set a routing have adult kids. What on earth would that look like. We sit at home with no plans if it's not "our week"? We make plans but tell DSS he can't come because it's his mom's week?

At this point, I think the best I can do is keep things as low stress as possible. At some point, maybe soon, DSS will get a serious partner and the more pleasant we make the holiday experience, the more likely we will get time with him. And I have a feeling once there is another person in the mix, DSS will just let us know his plans, and we can work around his schedule!

I really don't know why you're hoping a girlfriend will solve this for you. It will only make things more complicated because now you'll have to consider an entire other family. Hey, maybe she'll have difficult divorced parents too!

The idea with a routine is you know what to expect. Like, this year you have Thanksgiving and his mom has Christmas. Next year, the opposite. Or you get the first half of the break, the ex gets the second. That's the way I do it with my own parents. So you can travel on the part of the break that you don't have, and you know in advance when it will be. It seems like you're irritated by your DH's tardiness in making plans as much as anything else.

Sorry you dislike your home so much. Most people are fine being at home for some time on the holidays.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is odd and unusual for exes still to be communicating and managing the schedule of a 26 year old rather than doing that directly with him.

I would just stop doing that. Plan your lives and let the 26 year old know and he can join you as he wishes. That is how it works for most people. He is well into adulthood and it is odd that his parents are still micromanaging his life.

I would tell him the dates you will be at the beach house and he can get himself there and back and you can reimburse him if you would normally pay for his travel.

He sounds very coddled and infantilized for his age. The majority of people at 26 are managing their own homes, relationships, and jobs. I can't imagine at 26 waiting for mommy and daddy to tell me where I will go each day and arranging my life like I am a 6 year old.

Well, he's probably doing that because he feels there's no way to keep all three (four?) adults happy no matter what he decides, so he's dumping the work back on them to figure it out.

I would only do this announcing your own plans approach if you and your DH are okay with not seeing him at all.

I think it is odd and unusual for exes still to be communicating and managing the schedule of a 26 year old rather than doing that directly with him.

I would just stop doing that. Plan your lives and let the 26 year old know and he can join you as he wishes. That is how it works for most people. He is well into adulthood and it is odd that his parents are still micromanaging his life.

I would tell him the dates you will be at the beach house and he can get himself there and back and you can reimburse him if you would normally pay for his travel.

He sounds very coddled and infantilized for his age. The majority of people at 26 are managing their own homes, relationships, and jobs. I can't imagine at 26 waiting for mommy and daddy to tell me where I will go each day and arranging my life like I am a 6 year old.

The 26 year old needs to grow up.

Anonymous wrote: The DH needs to NOT be talking to the mom of his 26 YEAR OLD 'child' about the 'child's' plans. That's ridiculous! I coparent and have one minor, and 2 adult kids. The adults (and the 26 is one) make their arrangements with us parents (we do talk regarding the minor of course).

Essentially, we let the adult kids know our plans (ex. I'm planning to serve dinner at 3) and the adult 'child' lets me know if they are coming or not, or if there is any flexibility ('dad's eating at 2, could we eat later? 'sounds good, see you then') .

OP, in your case, I'd just assume the adult dc is coming and ignore the dh and ex. Just step away from their nonsense.

OP here. That's exactly how I thought things would be. I guess knowing I'm not nuts will have to suffice.

Honestly, I wonder if all the folks saying to set a routing have adult kids. What on earth would that look like. We sit at home with no plans if it's not "our week"? We make plans but tell DSS he can't come because it's his mom's week?

At this point, I think the best I can do is keep things as low stress as possible. At some point, maybe soon, DSS will get a serious partner and the more pleasant we make the holiday experience, the more likely we will get time with him. And I have a feeling once there is another person in the mix, DSS will just let us know his plans, and we can work around his schedule!