I would not pay for her travels

Anonymous wrote:You guys are all so self-important and desperate to hold onto whatever control you exert. The kid had no desire to visit her great uncle. Let me restate:

Option 1: Visit great uncle on a Friday night after her last game of the season.

Option 2: Literally anything else.

I’m with your kid on this one and let it go. And as for all of the “you raised a spoiled brat” commenters, you guys are going to be really lonely when your youngest goes to school and you realize that they’re perfectly fine without you.

1: A small sacrifice. Spending time with family, including an elderly uncle who won’t be alive much longer. Respecting elders. Old people get so much joy being around young people. Showing a sliver of appreciation to parents who pay for everything.

2: Pure self-centered selfishness and hedonism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she was rude. But context matters - was this kind of being sassy and failing to communicate well? I’d be the adult I think , not throw a fit but call out an unnecessary tone. And then move right on.

It came out of nowhere after I sarcastic remark I made. It was really over the top and unwarranted. It just made me feel worthless. Obviously she desired to be with her boyfriend instead of me and an elderly relative; a boy she sees every day of the week. And now she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving and presumably will only be home partially, if at all, during winter break. And she takes a trip during winter break with the boyfriend's friends or family, who do you think will pay for it? Us.

One single night with her and we're made to feel worthless. It stings.

The martyr complex is obnoxious. You started the snit-fit and she responded in kind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she was rude. But context matters - was this kind of being sassy and failing to communicate well? I’d be the adult I think , not throw a fit but call out an unnecessary tone. And then move right on.

It came out of nowhere after I sarcastic remark I made. It was really over the top and unwarranted. It just made me feel worthless. Obviously she desired to be with her boyfriend instead of me and an elderly relative; a boy she sees every day of the week. And now she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving and presumably will only be home partially, if at all, during winter break. And she takes a trip during winter break with the boyfriend's friends or family, who do you think will pay for it? Us.

One single night with her and we're made to feel worthless. It stings.

I am sorry.

I know how this feels. It is very painful—both the rejection, and the lack of appreciation.

You should not feel worthless though, because hopefully you think your value does not rest entirely on being this teenager’s parent …
🤔

(Try to maintain your marriage, friendships and personal interests…because they seem to need us less and less as they grow up. So you need other identities and sources of happiness. I too am working on this transition.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she was rude. But context matters - was this kind of being sassy and failing to communicate well? I’d be the adult I think , not throw a fit but call out an unnecessary tone. And then move right on.

It came out of nowhere after I sarcastic remark I made. It was really over the top and unwarranted. It just made me feel worthless. Obviously she desired to be with her boyfriend instead of me and an elderly relative; a boy she sees every day of the week. And now she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving and presumably will only be home partially, if at all, during winter break. And she takes a trip during winter break with the boyfriend's friends or family, who do you think will pay for it? Us.

One single night with her and we're made to feel worthless. It stings.

I think you should tell her. Maybe wait until she is home for winter break, definitely in tell her in person. When they are young kids get very used to thinking of their parents (mom's especially) as their tools/props, not human beings with their own feelings. Seems like she has fallen a back into that but try to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is doing so unconsciously. Your relationship will suffer more if you don't make your feelings and expectations known

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be making a college student spend Friday night, or any night, taking a train to see an uncle.

You should have gone to the game, spent some time with her after - maybe an hour or so - and then let her do what she wanted on her Friday night. And then you go on train to see uncle, take train back, see her for a late brunch, then fly back.

She should be focused on classes and friends and sports. You should not be taking her away from that.

I don't know why you'd pay for her to go on vacation with someone else's family. Maybe a plane ticket as a Christmas gift but nothing else. If his family is making her pay for anything other than her own plane ticket they suck.

This x1000. It would be different if you had planned to spend one on one time with her but you’re dragging her off to a random extended family member. Just no. Take care of your elder obligations on your own!

I mean, you were rude first, so there is that.

OP, I think some of the PP's are being unnecessarily harsh (or are bots or trolls that pop up in every thread to advocate for extreme measures). Instead of focusing on the negative, why not focus on the positive? You asked your daughter to spend Friday night/Saturday morning with you and a relative, and she agreed to it. Sure, maybe she snarked about it after you snarked about something else, but she didn't say no. Take that as a win.

College is a time to begin asserting independence and that's what you're daughter is doing. She's going to her boyfriend's for Thanksgiving -- that's not a rejection of you, but testing her wings out. Maybe she'll go somewhere with the boyfriend's family over Winter Break -- again, testing her wings. The worst thing you can do is make her feel like your love is transactional by withdrawing emotionally or financially because she's trying out "adulting." If you are kind and supportive, as she gets older and feels less of a need to separate, she'll come back to you and the warmth of home and family. If you choose to make her feel guilty or shamed, you could create a rift.

Of course, maybe your daughter is self-centered and mean and will never be nice to you, but if that's the case, it won't change no matter what you do, so you might as well react with kindness and see where it takes you.

Eh. Kids (even adult kids) are obnoxious sometimes. If the attitude was nonstop and over the top, I'd be more inclined to blame the daughter here. But if it was just the one line, on a train to see an elderly relative after a big game... I'd give her some slack.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should be making a college student spend Friday night, or any night, taking a train to see an uncle.

You should have gone to the game, spent some time with her after - maybe an hour or so - and then let her do what she wanted on her Friday night. And then you go on train to see uncle, take train back, see her for a late brunch, then fly back.

She should be focused on classes and friends and sports. You should not be taking her away from that.

I don't know why you'd pay for her to go on vacation with someone else's family. Maybe a plane ticket as a Christmas gift but nothing else. If his family is making her pay for anything other than her own plane ticket they suck.

I agree, it was a bit much to make her visit the great uncle.

I mean, what kind of sarcastic remark did you make? It sounds like you were a little nasty to her and then she was a little nasty back?

why are you refusing to tell us the "little joke" / sarcastic remark?

that's a key part of this story

I don't think you should be making a college student spend Friday night, or any night, taking a train to see an uncle.

You should have gone to the game, spent some time with her after - maybe an hour or so - and then let her do what she wanted on her Friday night. And then you go on train to see uncle, take train back, see her for a late brunch, then fly back.

She should be focused on classes and friends and sports. You should not be taking her away from that.

I don't know why you'd pay for her to go on vacation with someone else's family. Maybe a plane ticket as a Christmas gift but nothing else. If his family is making her pay for anything other than her own plane ticket they suck.

Anonymous wrote:You made a sarcastic remark that she may have taken as hurtful, or she responded in what she thought was the same spirit, but it came out harsher than she intended. The fact that you point out that you pay for her college and her ticket gives the impression that you hold it over her head, even if unintentionally. It’s actually irrelevant. Even if she were on a full-ride scholarship and working, her comment still wouldn’t be okay—just as your remark beforehand probably wasn’t either.

+1

She was rude for sure. Would make me very upset. But unless she was super close with the relative, it was incredibly selfish of you to make her go. If you want her to fine YOU her time, give YOUR time to her. Don’t make her do your errands with you. If you don’t respect her time, you won’t be getting much of it in the future. This is a warning. A rude one, but if you can’t take the hint more subtly, good for her for at least making you take notice to try to save your relationship while you can.