Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 21:05     Subject: Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.


You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.


That’s great, and I’m glad it works for you.

I will share that some of us do not wish to “collect” friendships and continually keep up with everyone they e been friends with during their life. For me, that would be exhausting and in many cases unwelcome.

I once heard the following adage: “Some friendships are for a season, some for a reason, and some for life.” That makes a lot of sense to me.

I’m a very social person and have enjoyed and invested in great friendships at every stage of life. But not all of them have gone the distance, and I’m ok with that.

With every job change and move, some of my friendships thrive while others wither away. This is because some of the connections were more a function of proximity and shared activity (job) than anything else. And when that proximity/shared activity goes away, there’s not enough connection to sustain the friendship. Which is fine either me - I’ve never felt the need to “collect” or continue hanging on to friendships just for the sake of it.

Same is true for sone friends who were close and dear during a specific “season” of my life, but with whom the connection dried up once that season of life was over. I’m thinking of my friendships from my single days - some grew even stronger once I got married, but others dried up. Same with my mom friends from the baby/preschool years. Some of them are still my closest friends even though our kids have honestly their separate ways, while others are gone now that we don’t have playdates/birthday parties etc. in common.

And again, I’m more than ok with that. I don’t have the interest or energy to “check in” with everyone I was once friends with at various stages of my life. No drama or ill will or anything like that. But I truly understand that life situations change or sometimes friends grow apart. It’s ok.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 13:35     Subject: Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.


You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.


NP- I think the issue is not everyone thinks like that. I used to, and got really hurt by old friends who dumped me (not for a conflict or anything). It feels awful. So I've moved on to a different outlook and see people as "people I am friendly with now" and I don't want to get hurt again.


Np, that seems sort of sad, though. Like not being open to deeper friendships?

Pp before that, how do you maintain the old friendships? I find with my old friends from high school and college, we all moved away and can go months without communicating, but whenever we are in the same city and get together it's like old times and I still feel really close. It's like that for me with most of my relatives in different states, too.

There are limits to how many people one can text in a weekly basis.


I'm the PP.

My best friend of over 30 years and I make an effort to talk on the phone. She's a teacher so sometimes that means really early morning calls but we find a way to make it work. Then we get together in person several times a year (we live about 4 hours from each other right now but we've been all over the place over time and didn't go to college together). We rarely text, actually.

Other old friends from decades ago are a mix. I am headed down to NC for a long weekend with a bunch of college girlfriends this weekend. We do that 3-4 times a year (we're all in VA and NC but none of us are currently in the same city although we have been over time). Honestly, it takes a lot of planning and prioritizing with husbands, kids, and jobs, but we make it work because the benefits are worth it. We have a group text chain that has sporadic conversations. We will also do Zoom happy hour calls every once in a while if it feels like it's been a while since we've touched base or something is going on.

Some friends I see only at special occasions like those from my hometown since we're now all over the place. But to your point, it's immediately like old times and we always have a blast. I'm fine with that as well because my daily/weekly needs are being met generally by my best friend and my friends who live close to me.

In short, it takes work. I may get up an hour before I normally would to talk to my best friend. I may skip another social event or a kid's activity in order to see my friends for an out-of-town weekend. I may start work early so I can end early and grab dinner with someone. And I do try to plan the time I'm doing things like folding laundry to be able to talk on the phone with some friends I do that with. Given that I've invested in decades of friendship with these people, it seems to all happen pretty easily. Sometimes we're busier than others, but when you share 30 years of history together it's pretty easy to stay caught up on each other's lives. Hope that helps.


I'm the poster who has been dumped. I was doing everything you said, but it takes two people to maintain a relationship. When you call and see the friend has no desire to talk, doesn't make efforts, it would feel wrong to keep going and trying. And that's why I'm not open to deep friendships anymore. I know I can care deeply and invest time and effort that in the end will not matter at all.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 12:58     Subject: Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.


You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.


NP- I think the issue is not everyone thinks like that. I used to, and got really hurt by old friends who dumped me (not for a conflict or anything). It feels awful. So I've moved on to a different outlook and see people as "people I am friendly with now" and I don't want to get hurt again.


Np, that seems sort of sad, though. Like not being open to deeper friendships?

Pp before that, how do you maintain the old friendships? I find with my old friends from high school and college, we all moved away and can go months without communicating, but whenever we are in the same city and get together it's like old times and I still feel really close. It's like that for me with most of my relatives in different states, too.

There are limits to how many people one can text in a weekly basis.


I'm the PP.

My best friend of over 30 years and I make an effort to talk on the phone. She's a teacher so sometimes that means really early morning calls but we find a way to make it work. Then we get together in person several times a year (we live about 4 hours from each other right now but we've been all over the place over time and didn't go to college together). We rarely text, actually.

Other old friends from decades ago are a mix. I am headed down to NC for a long weekend with a bunch of college girlfriends this weekend. We do that 3-4 times a year (we're all in VA and NC but none of us are currently in the same city although we have been over time). Honestly, it takes a lot of planning and prioritizing with husbands, kids, and jobs, but we make it work because the benefits are worth it. We have a group text chain that has sporadic conversations. We will also do Zoom happy hour calls every once in a while if it feels like it's been a while since we've touched base or something is going on.

Some friends I see only at special occasions like those from my hometown since we're now all over the place. But to your point, it's immediately like old times and we always have a blast. I'm fine with that as well because my daily/weekly needs are being met generally by my best friend and my friends who live close to me.

In short, it takes work. I may get up an hour before I normally would to talk to my best friend. I may skip another social event or a kid's activity in order to see my friends for an out-of-town weekend. I may start work early so I can end early and grab dinner with someone. And I do try to plan the time I'm doing things like folding laundry to be able to talk on the phone with some friends I do that with. Given that I've invested in decades of friendship with these people, it seems to all happen pretty easily. Sometimes we're busier than others, but when you share 30 years of history together it's pretty easy to stay caught up on each other's lives. Hope that helps.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 11:58     Subject: Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.


You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.


NP- I think the issue is not everyone thinks like that. I used to, and got really hurt by old friends who dumped me (not for a conflict or anything). It feels awful. So I've moved on to a different outlook and see people as "people I am friendly with now" and I don't want to get hurt again.


Np, that seems sort of sad, though. Like not being open to deeper friendships?

Pp before that, how do you maintain the old friendships? I find with my old friends from high school and college, we all moved away and can go months without communicating, but whenever we are in the same city and get together it's like old times and I still feel really close. It's like that for me with most of my relatives in different states, too.

There are limits to how many people one can text in a weekly basis.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 11:54     Subject: Re:Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wonder If she has something going on and you aren’t close enough that she wants to talk about it. But she also doesn’t have the bandwidth to hang out.

I had a mom friend I was hanging out w a lot- like what you describe. She sort of ghosted me and I found out she has a somewhat serious personal issue going on. I’m not taking it personally.


The bolder was my initial thought, but she has the bandwidth to hang out with the other family and told OP about it (which seems super tacky IMO)


OP asked her what she was doing for the weekend so she answered
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 11:26     Subject: Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.


You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.


NP- I think the issue is not everyone thinks like that. I used to, and got really hurt by old friends who dumped me (not for a conflict or anything). It feels awful. So I've moved on to a different outlook and see people as "people I am friendly with now" and I don't want to get hurt again.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 11:23     Subject: Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.


You don't think you'll find yourself at a loss for friendships when you just decide you're ready and others have relationships that they've nurtured for years?

I collect friends at different stages of my life and I maintain those friendships over time. I'm making new friends but I don't discard the old ones. I can't imagine my life without my friends of decades in it. And yes, I have a job, a husband, and kids as well.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2025 11:03     Subject: Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?
Anonymous wrote:You've only known her a couple years, this might just be how she is.
I had a friend I made during covid who I thought was my new "best friend" but she would disappear regularly and I would wrack my brain thinking how I might have offended her. She's just kind of Adhd. She hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks and just texted me asking to hang out "It's been crazy lately". I'm used to it now and realize she just isn't that dependable person I wished she was.


I had a friend 20 years ago (I'm 46 now) who sort of "hyper-bonded" to me while I was in law school (and therefore had a pretty flexible schedule, no kids, was seriously dating but not married yet) and her husband was in medical school (crazy busy). She worked a normal 9-5 job and we had a hobby in common. I was new to the area and we met through our hobby and had a lot in common. We started spending tons of time together and she'd call me all the time (texting wasn't as big back then). We were super close for a few years (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding) and then we sort of fell off a cliff and she started doing the same thing with someone else. It wasn't like something specific happened - it almost felt like she was one of those people chasing the "high" of a new and intense relationship? Anyway, it was odd, and it was hurtful at the time but then I moved a few hours away and we just sort of faded. Anyway, all that to say, that's just who this friend was, but I didn't see it at first. Maybe your friend is the same. Or maybe she's going through something right now and doesn't know how to navigate. I may be short with text responses to even my closest friends when I'm stressed or super busy. When I'm having a crazy day and my phone is blowing up with memes, I tend to get annoyed, whereas on a normal day I'd enjoy/appreciate it. I'd give it a couple of months, get through the holidays, and then see where things are. At that point if nothing has changed then perhaps it's time for a talk if you want to salvage things.