Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

This is likely why you weren't invited.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

New families to the school and neighborhood will be your people. If others are closed off then keep open to meeting new families. I assume new families come to the school at some point? People can be so closed minded about letting people into their world. I do not get it. Maybe try something outside of the synagogue etc.. I assume you are Jewish? Try joining another group or activity. Also, try hosting a party or gathering once or twice a year. You must host things even if just low key to be reciprocated. Good luck.

OP here. I've thought about this too, if nothing else, for a change of pace, but I'm struggling to come up with ideas. I don't really have any hobbies. I tried joining a book club through our local library, and while the women I met were nice, they were all at least 25 years older than me.

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.

Anonymous wrote:

New families to the school and neighborhood will be your people. If others are closed off then keep open to meeting new families. I assume new families come to the school at some point? People can be so closed minded about letting people into their world. I do not get it. Maybe try something outside of the synagogue etc.. I assume you are Jewish? Try joining another group or activity. Also, try hosting a party or gathering once or twice a year. You must host things even if just low key to be reciprocated. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I moved from several states away to a suburb of a large city four years ago, with our then one year old daughter. We made the move to be closer to my parents (who live about an hour away), and chose this specific suburb because it was very family friendly. Both DH and I grew up in families with strong friendship between family friends, and we hoped for that for our children as well. Initially, we rented for the first two years we lived here, because we weren't ready to commit to buying. The neighborhood where our rental was didn't have a lot of families, and we found that it was pretty isolating, so we sought out to find a more family friendly neighborhood to buy a house.

We bought a house in a very family friendly neighborhood with lots of kids our daughters' age, and dove head first into integrating ourselves into the community, enrolling our daughter in a synagogue preschool that many others in our neighborhood send their kids to, and attended almost all of the events they put on for families. We also attended many neighborhood events put on by our HOA. While there are definitely cliques within both of these groups, almost everyone I met seemed very nice and welcoming. We met a lot of people right off the bat, and it was great to run into people we knew around the neighborhood. Eventually, I was able to connect with some of the other moms from the preschool, and was included in a group that goes out to happy hours/drinks about once a month, as well as a pickleball group through the synagogue. Being in these groups had a positive impact on my mental health, as I didn’t realize how isolated we were for the previous two years, and I felt confident that we’d be able to build the solid, long lasting friendships I’d been hoping for.

However, things stalled out after the first year of living in our neighborhood. Our family has been going to the synagogue/neighborhood events, and we’re still having friendly conversations with people, but I know these groups of people are having outside get togethers that we’re not invited to. Similarly, I still go to the drinks/happy hour group and pickleball group, and it’s the same thing. Our son was born last fall, which put socializing on the backburner for a few months, but I’ve been trying to get back out there.

I remained hopeful that things would improve when our daughter entered kindergarten this fall, but that hasn’t been the case. I joined a new Moms group, but didn’t really click with anyone there. I joined the PTA at our daughters school, and while everyone that I’ve met thus far is really nice, it feels like they already have their pre-established cliques. I also volunteered to be the room parent, but none of the other parents in the class really seem interested in connecting.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve always been telling myself that every interaction, no matter how small, is building towards something bigger, but at this point, it’s been two years, and I feel like, when are these deeper friendships going to come to fruition? Like in the two years we’ve been here, we’ve never been invited into another families house. I still go to as many events as I can, but it’s gotten to the point where I walk away from these events feeling, at best, neutral, and at worst, discouraged and depressed, whereas I used to walk away feeling energized and hopeful. It’s hard because, again, 90% of everyone I met is so nice, but I just can’t seem to find my way into these deeper friendships. I feel like I’m doing as much as I can in terms of putting myself out there, and socializing with everyone, but when I see on social media how our others are having these halloween parties and backyard firepit hangs, I just get so sad that we can’t break our way into those groups to have those connections.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

OP here; it's a valid question, but I actually feel like everything else in my life is in a really great place for the first time in a while. Both kids are happy and healthy, DH and I's marriage is in the best state it's been since we had kids, work is fulfilling, my parents are healthy after a few scores over the past year. I guess when I sit down and think about it, my life is pretty good, but close friendships is really the only thing that's lacking. Now that all the other "things" in my life (marriage, kids, work) is settled for the first time in a while, the lack of friendships is coming more to the forefront.

That’s fair. Were you able to retain close friendships from college or grad school? Are you living remotely from where you grew up?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

OP here; it's a valid question, but I actually feel like everything else in my life is in a really great place for the first time in a while. Both kids are happy and healthy, DH and I's marriage is in the best state it's been since we had kids, work is fulfilling, my parents are healthy after a few scores over the past year. I guess when I sit down and think about it, my life is pretty good, but close friendships is really the only thing that's lacking. Now that all the other "things" in my life (marriage, kids, work) is settled for the first time in a while, the lack of friendships is coming more to the forefront.

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask a genuine question? How personally fulfilled do you feel, and how are things at home? I’m just reading this incredibly intense focus on external socializing and it’s exhausting. With a spouse, a toddler, a baby, and at least one parent who lives an hour away, I’m just really struck at what feels like an urgent sense or need for near constant socializing. I’m not being critical of that at all. And I’m not particularly a homebody. It just feels like there’s a lot of unmet need on your part and I’m wondering what that’s about. I have lots of friends and I absolutely value their place in my life. So it’s really important. It’s just that the stage of life you’re describing is generally really busy for most of us and it’s curious that it seems like it feels so lacking to you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I took some of the great advice provided here, and have been initiating smaller get togethers with some of the women that I enjoy spending time with in these groups, and it’s been going well; some responses, some rejections, but I remain optimistic. I’ve also been very intentional about limiting my social media use.

The other day, I was at my weekly pickleball match, when I overheard one of the women (who is part of one of the larger social circles that encompasses both neighborhood and synagogue people) mention that she hosted a New Year’s Eve party (which my family wasn’t invited to). Curiosity got the best of me, and I went on her social media page; turns out that a ton of people from this very large social circle were at said New Year’s Eve party, including people who I thought were on a much further out social circle than me! On one hand, I don’t particularly care for the woman who hosted the party, so it’s not like I thought she and I were best friends. On the other hand, it’s a big gut punch to see people who I thought were much further outside this social circle get invites over me. Adding insult to injury, the party hostess moved to the neighborhood basically the same time we did.