Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Brenda has always been the do-everything dependable person that kept all the balls in the air." Nonsense. Brenda couldn't even get her own house! If she could, she wouldn't have pestered mom for this ridiculous arrangement. Joan's sibling is right, things should go to as they were. Brenda needs to get out of there with her husband and kids! What caretaking are we talking about for 15 years??? If Joan is 80 now, she was 65!!! 65 is not any age where any caretaking is necessary. Brenda is a user and a lying b*. Get out of your mom's house!!! Nobody believes your stupid made up stories how helpful you are and how you take on responsibilities. You're a nasty lazy user. Now that mom is 80 and actually needs looking after, you're "finally trying to stop". Yeah, right.

1) I’m not Brenda.
2) Joan has been disabled since she was 55.

So who are you that you so intimately know all the details? Enlighten us. If Joan has been disabled since 55, why did Brenda even want to move into her house? She must have been desperate. Did she hope Joan dies quickly and she gets the house and everything with little effort? What is Joan supposed to do now that Brenda is unwilling to do her share? Who was taking care of Joan before (there's 10 years from 55 to 65)? It's obvious that the deal was that Brenda gets the house in the exchange for caretaking. Sure, she didn't know it may take 50 years, but that was the deal. So suck it up buttercup or sell the house, give mom her deserved share and let her make other arrangements. Or what exactly is Brenda's plan now that she has the title? Let mom die of hunger? Try to force other siblings come and care for mom when they had no arrangement with her? Try to send Joan to live with her siblings who are still alive and old themselves?

Brenda moved into the house as much for her mom as she did for herself. If her mom wasn't in the picture, Brenda would have been fine with renting longer and buying a smaller home. Brenda has ALWAYS been the go-to person for Joan for most of her adult life. They were always very enmeshed. Brenda has no plans to kick her mom out. Joan is basically just waiting to die - she hasn't really "lived" a life for many decades - just exists, sitting in front of a tv for most of her days, and only steps out of the house when she is forced to - for hospital visits and doctor visits.

I think that Brenda thought that it could be a mutually beneficial arrangement, but now that it's gone south, Brenda needs to move out and then Joan can figure things out on her own.

It's difficult for both. I can't imagine how incredibly hard it would be for your daughter to call you a troll to your face in front of her friends. It must be humiliating.

Perhaps Joan will not be able to live on her own. Perhaps her needs will mean that she will have to move into a nursing home. But, regardless, Brenda needs to move out with her family. There is no amount of boundary setting that will work until they don't live together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Brenda has always been the do-everything dependable person that kept all the balls in the air." Nonsense. Brenda couldn't even get her own house! If she could, she wouldn't have pestered mom for this ridiculous arrangement. Joan's sibling is right, things should go to as they were. Brenda needs to get out of there with her husband and kids! What caretaking are we talking about for 15 years??? If Joan is 80 now, she was 65!!! 65 is not any age where any caretaking is necessary. Brenda is a user and a lying b*. Get out of your mom's house!!! Nobody believes your stupid made up stories how helpful you are and how you take on responsibilities. You're a nasty lazy user. Now that mom is 80 and actually needs looking after, you're "finally trying to stop". Yeah, right.

1) I’m not Brenda.
2) Joan has been disabled since she was 55.

So who are you that you so intimately know all the details? Enlighten us. If Joan has been disabled since 55, why did Brenda even want to move into her house? She must have been desperate. Did she hope Joan dies quickly and she gets the house and everything with little effort? What is Joan supposed to do now that Brenda is unwilling to do her share? Who was taking care of Joan before (there's 10 years from 55 to 65)? It's obvious that the deal was that Brenda gets the house in the exchange for caretaking. Sure, she didn't know it may take 50 years, but that was the deal. So suck it up buttercup or sell the house, give mom her deserved share and let her make other arrangements. Or what exactly is Brenda's plan now that she has the title? Let mom die of hunger? Try to force other siblings come and care for mom when they had no arrangement with her? Try to send Joan to live with her siblings who are still alive and old themselves?

Mom can't sell the house, as she was robbed of it. Other siblings were also robbed of any share of the house in the future as Brenda took over the house.

Mom should sell the house and kick Brenda to the curb.

Move out and pay for your own house.

Brenda accepted and took everything of value that was Joan’s and that would have given Joan (actually both of them) more autonomy and independence. Now Joan has no assets. If the house was given away in the last five years, it may even affect her ability to quality for Medicaid because Medicaid has a 5-year look back period. Both were left more vulnerable by the decisions they made.

Brenda lacks gratitude for the huge sacrifices her mother made for her when she was in debt and in a pickle — her mother gave her own house away to help her! Now that her mother is the one in need and vulnerable, Brenda can’t stand it.

Brenda’s complaining about Joan over the years is likely undermining her and keeping people away — no one wants to step up to help such an allegedly horrible person. And because she’s always quick to complain, no one wants to take the chance that Brenda will shred their efforts when they don’t or can’t meet her standards, either.

Brenda is not powerless — she owns the house. If she wants things to be different, she could sell the house. But she should also do right by Joan and compensate her for a share of the house. (They’ll probably need professional help to figure that out.) Then they can go their separate ways.

Anonymous wrote:"Brenda has always been the do-everything dependable person that kept all the balls in the air." Nonsense. Brenda couldn't even get her own house! If she could, she wouldn't have pestered mom for this ridiculous arrangement. Joan's sibling is right, things should go to as they were. Brenda needs to get out of there with her husband and kids! What caretaking are we talking about for 15 years??? If Joan is 80 now, she was 65!!! 65 is not any age where any caretaking is necessary. Brenda is a user and a lying b*. Get out of your mom's house!!! Nobody believes your stupid made up stories how helpful you are and how you take on responsibilities. You're a nasty lazy user. Now that mom is 80 and actually needs looking after, you're "finally trying to stop". Yeah, right.

1) I’m not Brenda.
2) Joan has been disabled since she was 55.

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you think one of the two must be a narcissist? Do you think all interpersonal conflict has a good guy and a bad guy? What an oddly specific way to pose the question.

Brenda tells everyone that Joan is a narcissist.

But there are times I wonder if Brenda is a narcissist.

But after thinking on it, I think neither are. They just have other issues.

OP, why do you think one of the two must be a narcissist? Do you think all interpersonal conflict has a good guy and a bad guy? What an oddly specific way to pose the question.

What a cluster.

Also, everybody has already figured out that you, Brenda, are the OP. I hope Joan's siblings/other children file for elder abuse and that gets you out of her house. Nobody is willing to step up because you literally got mom's house and are living there. Usually people share the responsibilities and inheritance equally. People will step up once you're out of there. Nobody is going to come do the chores while you're spread out on the living room couch. And if necessary, mom needs to sell the house to get a nice nursing home place.

"Brenda has always been the do-everything dependable person that kept all the balls in the air." Nonsense. Brenda couldn't even get her own house! If she could, she wouldn't have pestered mom for this ridiculous arrangement. Joan's sibling is right, things should go to as they were. Brenda needs to get out of there with her husband and kids! What caretaking are we talking about for 15 years??? If Joan is 80 now, she was 65!!! 65 is not any age where any caretaking is necessary. Brenda is a user and a lying b*. Get out of your mom's house!!! Nobody believes your stupid made up stories how helpful you are and how you take on responsibilities. You're a nasty lazy user. Now that mom is 80 and actually needs looking after, you're "finally trying to stop". Yeah, right.

Anonymous wrote:Brenda is a user.
Joan sought enmeshment and/or was emotionally needy. Joan created Brenda the user.

In a way, they were both "using" each other, if that's the right word. But in the end, Brenda felt like she got the shaft and got tricked into the situation. Brenda used to cook most of Joan's meals for her - home-cooked, made from scratch, healthy, special diet to help with her medical conditions, but Joan would still eat food she wasn't supposed to eat. She used to take her to all her doctor's appointments and hospital visits. She feels trapped, burnt out, overwhelmed, and sad that she let half of her life get hijacked by someone who constantly dumps her negativity on her, complains non-stop, is a never-ending string of crises, and refuses to take any responsibility for her own well-being and health. Brenda recreated the same dynamic in her own household also. She takes on everyone's responsibilities, does all the chores, does everything for the kids, and gets overwhelmed and resentful. But she's finally trying to stop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like another cultural problem. This is why multi family households is not part of the American dream.

What did Brendan and her adult siblings discuss about Joan’s last 10-20 years of life care? Maybe they can pitch in or all outsource care or driving or whatever if it’s too much for Brenda to be sandwiched with (her life, kids, work plus Ma).
Meanwhile Brenda can’t just be the fair weathered adult kid, who’s happy when getting discounted housing for 5, 10, 15+ years and now doesn’t want to help Ma who gave her the discounted housing.

After Brenda put her entire family on notice that she was done, her one sibling has agreed to do minimal help. But mostly, none are willing to step up. Brenda has always been the do-everything dependable person that kept all the balls in the air. Joan's siblings are upset with Brenda and have been pressuring her to make things go back to the way they used to be. Joan's one sibling is retired, healthy, active, and basically living it up, and is very close with Joan and talk frequently, but doesn't actually want to see her. In general, the rest of the family is very selfish and/or have their own problems and frequently make demands on Brenda to accommodate their needs. This has been Brenda's role in the family all her life, to be a dependable and reliable people pleaser, and she's basically done with it.