Anonymous
10/19/2025 21:07
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That is a total blow off, right?
Friends are trying to get together and one friend basically said she is never available. Can’t offer one date for the rest of 2025. She has 3 kids as do I. We all have 2-3 kids.
Option 1: She doesn’t want to hang out with you.
Option 2: She has stuff going on that she doesn’t want to discuss with you. Possibly one of her kids has special needs that she is busy with.
Either way, not really your friend.
I have a special needs child who takes up huge amounts of time and attention. Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean I’m “not really your friend.” That’s incredibly offensive.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 18:34
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Only in the DMV is someone wanting to spend time with you seen as an insult. You are really such socially awkward losers.
+1 this. lol.
No one is THAT busy. If she wanted to get together with OP, she’d suggest something that would work. Honestly she could say, I’m so slammed but I care about seeing you, could we meet at Costco and chat and shop together? The truth is she doesn’t want to get together because there are ways to make it happen if she did want to. The reasons are very likely about her and not about you (social anxiety, disorganization, overwhelm, private issue she doesn’t want to reveal, etc.). But if she is unwilling to get together and unwilling to disclose, then she cannot expect that you will continue waiting around for her or putting effort into your relationship with her. Just focus on people who do have time to be friends.
No one minds being asked. People mind not being allowed to refuse.
OP asked if she should interpret the refusal as being blown off. It’s pretty clear to me that the friend is blowing her off if she is neither coming up with a solution nor offering an explanation.
Two different answers to two different comments.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 18:20
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
That often is us. It is not that we hate you or even dislike you. It does mean we really are fully booked at present -- and at least for the next few months.
We work OOH. We juggle children, school runs, afterschool commitments, church commitments (and we sometimes cannot manage to get to church if someone at home is sick), have meals ready on time, laundry done, basic housekeeping, and keeping groceries and such stocked.
We work OOH. We juggle children, school runs, afterschool commitments, church commitments (and we sometimes cannot manage to get to church if someone at home is sick), have meals ready on time, laundry done, basic housekeeping, and keeping groceries and such stocked.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 16:21
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Only in the DMV is someone wanting to spend time with you seen as an insult. You are really such socially awkward losers.
+1 this. lol.
No one is THAT busy. If she wanted to get together with OP, she’d suggest something that would work. Honestly she could say, I’m so slammed but I care about seeing you, could we meet at Costco and chat and shop together? The truth is she doesn’t want to get together because there are ways to make it happen if she did want to. The reasons are very likely about her and not about you (social anxiety, disorganization, overwhelm, private issue she doesn’t want to reveal, etc.). But if she is unwilling to get together and unwilling to disclose, then she cannot expect that you will continue waiting around for her or putting effort into your relationship with her. Just focus on people who do have time to be friends.
No one minds being asked. People mind not being allowed to refuse.
OP asked if she should interpret the refusal as being blown off. It’s pretty clear to me that the friend is blowing her off if she is neither coming up with a solution nor offering an explanation.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 14:47
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Only in the DMV is someone wanting to spend time with you seen as an insult. You are really such socially awkward losers.
+1 this. lol.
No one is THAT busy. If she wanted to get together with OP, she’d suggest something that would work. Honestly she could say, I’m so slammed but I care about seeing you, could we meet at Costco and chat and shop together? The truth is she doesn’t want to get together because there are ways to make it happen if she did want to. The reasons are very likely about her and not about you (social anxiety, disorganization, overwhelm, private issue she doesn’t want to reveal, etc.). But if she is unwilling to get together and unwilling to disclose, then she cannot expect that you will continue waiting around for her or putting effort into your relationship with her. Just focus on people who do have time to be friends.
No one minds being asked. People mind not being allowed to refuse.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 14:22
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Only in the DMV is someone wanting to spend time with you seen as an insult. You are really such socially awkward losers.
+1 this. lol.
No one is THAT busy. If she wanted to get together with OP, she’d suggest something that would work. Honestly she could say, I’m so slammed but I care about seeing you, could we meet at Costco and chat and shop together? The truth is she doesn’t want to get together because there are ways to make it happen if she did want to. The reasons are very likely about her and not about you (social anxiety, disorganization, overwhelm, private issue she doesn’t want to reveal, etc.). But if she is unwilling to get together and unwilling to disclose, then she cannot expect that you will continue waiting around for her or putting effort into your relationship with her. Just focus on people who do have time to be friends.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 13:43
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
NP - I just hate participating in a multi-person "what day works for you?" discussion and then feeling bad if I'm the reason a date won't work. I'm good with everyone else making the plans and I'll try to be there, but don't schedule around me. If I can't make this one, hopefully I can make the next. I appreciate people who just take charge in the group and put something on the books.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 13:04
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I definitely know at least one family who is literally never available between work and the kids’ insane sports schedules. I don’t get offended when they can’t make it to stuff.
OP here. We are one of those very busy families. All three of my children play sports 3-6x per week EACH. My kids play much more frequently and at a higher level than the family who said they are never available. They play rec and have only one game per week compared to our tournaments and multiple games per week.
The main difference may be that because we have so many games and practices, I am ok missing my kids’ games. I go to many of them but not all. My kid’s game on a Sat afternoon is not going to prevent me from having brunch with a friend or dinner if my kid has soccer. We can carpool or DH can go or I can go late to a dinner or meet up for drinks after a basketball game is over. Basketball tournament? Ask a teammate for a ride home.
So you manage yourself better than the friend that’s never available? Or you want your friend to change how she does things? Or miss her kids’ games to see you? Her kids’ play at a lower level. It’s not that big of a deal.
Some friend you are. I wouldn’t prioritize you either.
Let me guess. When you get together you talk about life stresses. She talks about how hard it is to juggle everything, and you tell her how she could be doing things differently and in your mind better.
You talk about sports, and you talk about your kids in the higher league. You care about things that made you choose the higher league while cares about things that made her choose the lower.
Why would she have this conversation even if she had time?
Anonymous
10/19/2025 12:35
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I definitely know at least one family who is literally never available between work and the kids’ insane sports schedules. I don’t get offended when they can’t make it to stuff.
OP here. We are one of those very busy families. All three of my children play sports 3-6x per week EACH. My kids play much more frequently and at a higher level than the family who said they are never available. They play rec and have only one game per week compared to our tournaments and multiple games per week.
The main difference may be that because we have so many games and practices, I am ok missing my kids’ games. I go to many of them but not all. My kid’s game on a Sat afternoon is not going to prevent me from having brunch with a friend or dinner if my kid has soccer. We can carpool or DH can go or I can go late to a dinner or meet up for drinks after a basketball game is over. Basketball tournament? Ask a teammate for a ride home.
So you manage yourself better than the friend that’s never available? Or you want your friend to change how she does things? Or miss her kids’ games to see you? Her kids’ play at a lower level. It’s not that big of a deal.
Some friend you are. I wouldn’t prioritize you either.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 11:50
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I definitely know at least one family who is literally never available between work and the kids’ insane sports schedules. I don’t get offended when they can’t make it to stuff.
OP here. We are one of those very busy families. All three of my children play sports 3-6x per week EACH. My kids play much more frequently and at a higher level than the family who said they are never available. They play rec and have only one game per week compared to our tournaments and multiple games per week.
The main difference may be that because we have so many games and practices, I am ok missing my kids’ games. I go to many of them but not all. My kid’s game on a Sat afternoon is not going to prevent me from having brunch with a friend or dinner if my kid has soccer. We can carpool or DH can go or I can go late to a dinner or meet up for drinks after a basketball game is over. Basketball tournament? Ask a teammate for a ride home.
So you manage yourself better than the friend that’s never available? Or you want your friend to change how she does things? Or miss her kids’ games to see you? Her kids’ play at a lower level. It’s not that big of a deal.
Some friend you are. I wouldn’t prioritize you either.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 11:48
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:I definitely know at least one family who is literally never available between work and the kids’ insane sports schedules. I don’t get offended when they can’t make it to stuff.
OP here. We are one of those very busy families. All three of my children play sports 3-6x per week EACH. My kids play much more frequently and at a higher level than the family who said they are never available. They play rec and have only one game per week compared to our tournaments and multiple games per week.
The main difference may be that because we have so many games and practices, I am ok missing my kids’ games. I go to many of them but not all. My kid’s game on a Sat afternoon is not going to prevent me from having brunch with a friend or dinner if my kid has soccer. We can carpool or DH can go or I can go late to a dinner or meet up for drinks after a basketball game is over. Basketball tournament? Ask a teammate for a ride home.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 10:36
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That is a total blow off, right?
Friends are trying to get together and one friend basically said she is never available. Can’t offer one date for the rest of 2025. She has 3 kids as do I. We all have 2-3 kids.
Option 1: She doesn’t want to hang out with you.
Option 2: She has stuff going on that she doesn’t want to discuss with you. Possibly one of her kids has special needs that she is busy with.
Either way, not really your friend.
Option 2 does not make her not your friend. People go through stuff they don’t want to share outside their own families. Give her grace and time. Reach out again in spring or summer.
Or she can reach out when she’s less busy.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 10:19
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
I definitely know at least one family who is literally never available between work and the kids’ insane sports schedules. I don’t get offended when they can’t make it to stuff.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 10:08
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:I would take them at their word but also not take it personally. They have prioritized things other than getting together with you. It is what it is.
This is a major reason we have worked hard to cultivate and maintain a roster of family friends with kids. So on any given weekend, we can reach out to 2 or 3 and usually at least one will be up for a hang out, playdate, or group outing. And most of our friends have also cultivated other friends, so if we ever can't make an invite, it's okay and nothing hinges on our presence. So I'm never offended when people say they can't make it, and I also never feel guilty when we can't make it.
I like these. People have complicated lives. Don’t take it personal. I often say no to plans. The ones I’m most likely to say yes to are impromptu plans or those with only 1-3 days notice. For those- I KNOW I’m free, and if I am and someone offers something up, I’ll say yes. The longer range plans are really hard for me to commit to. Often I’m not sure of my spouses work schedule, the kids sports events may not have firm dates/times, things that I have to prioritize get added to the calendar. I feel like I have to say no if I cannot be sure I’m free- rather than saying yes then backing out later.
Anonymous
10/19/2025 10:05
Subject: When someone tells you they are not available ever
Anonymous wrote:I get together with some school moms about once every 3-4 months. I am always the one to arrange and reach out. One mom always says she’s never avail midweek, never. She then says she could do a Saturday breakfast.
That doesn’t work for me so I just say ok and move on. I still invite her the next time buf I know she’s not coming.
I solo parent at night too but make it work with a sitter, or now DD is older a carpool if she has her sport the night we picked.
It’s about what your prioritize.
So, you prioritize whatever you do on Saturday morning over getting together with her, and then judge her for prioritizing whatever she does on weekday evenings over getting together with you?
I am confused.