All the focus on the younger sibling all the time.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. This is resonating finally— the older child is feeling very upset and she is only expressing it.

This gets me inside her head. I couldn’t imagine before why she would do that at the moment I got him to calm down.
But now I see it wasn’t really especially purposeful, just mad/letting it out.

I knew she was upset. I thought she was old enough to just say so, and she has. But I get it, she’s still undeveloped like him. It will be fine as we continue to work with him, and over and time. His therapy is amazing and I can see that he’s on a path to “grow out” of it. Before, before we had therapy, he was on a path to grow up with it.

NP. We dealt with this only it was middle child. The outbursts and violence were terrible. It was tough on the other two kids.

You say things will be fine as you continue to work with your younger child. IME, to make things fine was a lot of work after the behaviors ended and much to be done by the explosive child. I have a close tight knit family and my kids are also close, choosing to spend time together with each other often. Getting there was a significant effort to rebuild us or maybe build us in the first place. I guess my point is that eliminating the behavior doesn’t necessarily fix the family. That’s a separate endeavor.

f your younger child gets riled up by someone sticking their tongue out at them after they just tantrumed and caused a ruckus it’s an issue with your younger child and you.

It’s a natural consequence of acting poorly. You act poorly and others are going to treat you poorly. The older siblings sees there are zero consequences for the younger child exploding at the entire family and being out of control, yet when the older sibling sticks their tongue out which is so minor you ground them and make this huge deal out it even if you later take it back.

Stop excusing this behavior by saying ADHD and “growing out of it”. Being explosive and having major meltdowns isnt a symptom of ADHD.

To outsiders hearing your take on things it is truly puzzling why you can’t see how ridiculous it is that you are concentrating on finding fault with your older child instead of explaining to your younger child how their behavior is upsetting to others. And acknowledging out loud to your older child that it is frustrating and upsetting to be in their position so instead of sticking out their tongue please write down how you are feeling so we know what’s going on amd we can help address it or ask to go in a walk or car ride to talk about it.

You spend your time walking on eggshells around younger child and eventually your older child won’t spend much time at home. I have a high school age DD who has a friend in a similar situation. We’ve seen the past 7 years how her parents spend most of their time and money on another sibling.

Over the last couple of years she has been spending more and more time over at our house. In the summer we took her on a one week vacation and one afternoon we told her it was her turn to pick where we go for dinner and the activity afterward. She was speechless and didn’t say anything. We explained we take turns and she’s part of the family vacation so we really wanted her to choose wherever she wanted to go. She did and we all went and had a great time. At the end of the night driving back to the resort she started crying and when she composed herself she said she rarely gets to pick and then when she does the meal/activity is always ruined or changed to appease the sibling.

When we got back my child asked if we could set up another bed in her room for her friend. We did and she now seems to spend most of her time at our house.

As an adult with a younger sibling who had severe mental illness issues growing I, let me tell you no matter how much I was allowed to do/given/had money spent on by younger sibling was ALWAYS the focus of my parents. It's something I couldn't even identify, just knew when they were talking with me their mind was on what my sib was doing. I also realized that I would end up taking on responsibility for this sib (even though my parents did what they thought they could to make the sib independent).

As a parent myself, I now get this more. However, growing up it sucked big time. My suggestion, give your older kid a lot of grace and really try to be present with them when you can. You're their parent too.

If your younger child gets riled up by someone sticking their tongue out at them after they just tantrumed and caused a ruckus it’s an issue with your younger child and you.

It’s a natural consequence of acting poorly. You act poorly and others are going to treat you poorly. The older siblings sees there are zero consequences for the younger child exploding at the entire family and being out of control, yet when the older sibling sticks their tongue out which is so minor you ground them and make this huge deal out it even if you later take it back.

Stop excusing this behavior by saying ADHD and “growing out of it”. Being explosive and having major meltdowns isnt a symptom of ADHD.

To outsiders hearing your take on things it is truly puzzling why you can’t see how ridiculous it is that you are concentrating on finding fault with your older child instead of explaining to your younger child how their behavior is upsetting to others. And acknowledging out loud to your older child that it is frustrating and upsetting to be in their position so instead of sticking out their tongue please write down how you are feeling so we know what’s going on amd we can help address it or ask to go in a walk or car ride to talk about it.

You spend your time walking on eggshells around younger child and eventually your older child won’t spend much time at home. I have a high school age DD who has a friend in a similar situation. We’ve seen the past 7 years how her parents spend most of their time and money on another sibling.

Over the last couple of years she has been spending more and more time over at our house. In the summer we took her on a one week vacation and one afternoon we told her it was her turn to pick where we go for dinner and the activity afterward. She was speechless and didn’t say anything. We explained we take turns and she’s part of the family vacation so we really wanted her to choose wherever she wanted to go. She did and we all went and had a great time. At the end of the night driving back to the resort she started crying and when she composed herself she said she rarely gets to pick and then when she does the meal/activity is always ruined or changed to appease the sibling.

When we got back my child asked if we could set up another bed in her room for her friend. We did and she now seems to spend most of her time at our house.

Your teen though older is still a child a children do foolish and impulsive things much of the time. Older siblings like to provoke younger siblings it's in the laws of nature.

Your teen likely has a milder form of ADHD over looked because it's milder and better able to blend in than sibling.

You can ignore the tongue thing you freaking out about it is actually reinforcing to your younger child to freak out over everything

OP- you have infinite understanding for one child but not the other. All teens are self-obsessed and impulsive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they are pissed because a disproportionate amount of time and energy goes to the sibling while they have to hold it together.

Op here. I want to negate this by saying, I watched a movie with this teen on Friday. It was really fun. I took them shopping for Hoco even though I had a busy day. I bought them an expensive item/gear for their sport today. Like we’ve been talking about it for months, and finally did it this morning. And they got to go out with friends from 6-midnight last night (break from us, fun time out).

This isn’t me explaining why they should be ok, but more like.. what else could you want as for attention?

Are you freaking serious? You think one nice weekend makes up for the chaos and concessions that come with living with an explosive sibling?
Out of curiosity what type of punishment does your explosive child get?

For 110% clarity, you didn’t answer m my original Q. The purpose in sharing her otherwise good weekend is that it’s not “attention-seeking.” The child has positive attention. It’s a sort of typical weekend to talk and spend time together and to have friends around.

Aside from attention, what do you think it was? Please answer my question bc that gives me understanding.

She doesn’t want one good weekend you’ve been “talking about for months” she wants consistent, positive attention that doesn’t get disrupted and explained away because sibling has adhd

Find where I said we’ve been talking about a nice weekend for months. We do this almost every weekend
The expensive equipment purchase was done this weekend. Something we have been searching/shopping for for months.
I’m saying, this child is not short of attention.

So bearing this in mind, is it just dumb sinking stuff for the tongue sticking out? I can accept it.

But it got the adhd child riled up after effort to bring him down. It was upsetting. Is it just pure anger at him? Not thinking?

It’s not one sibling’s job to pacify the other. Don’t expect emotional labor from them.

I think it was for attention, but done sneakily to create plausible deniability.

OP, you described it as "an awful episode". Sometimes you try to make things sound more positive, but your other statements tell a different tale. And if you're so burnt out by this that you punish or retaliate against your teen for what in most families wouldn't be seen as any significant problem at all, then you're holding your teen to a very different standard. It seems like you're mad at her for not having the patience of a therapist or pediatrician or something. Because you're so exhausted that you just cannot cope with her making your life any harder than it has to be. But she is a child too, and she has the right to be upset, to be difficult, to need support, to take up your time and attention, just like any other kid. Not just for pleasant activities of your choosing-- she has the right to her feelings and her self-advocacy, however poorly expressed--even when it's inconvenient for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the older teen has feelings and frustrations and gets to vent those. The older teen gets to act out too sometimes.

THIS. Your teen is allowed to react to situations too. Sticking their tongue out is not a big deal.

It’s certainly not something to ground someone over

Anonymous wrote:Put yourselves in a teen’s shoes. You have a younger sibling that has hyperfocus ADHD (so not hyperactive) and is explosive. There are occasional incidents where the younger sibling acts out. There has been a little bit of improvement, but there could be moments or days that are tough.

While you’re in those shoes and your younger sibling has just calmed down after an episode… You stick your tongue out at the younger child. You choose this.

What is going on inside this teenager’s mind? Our family is struggling because of the younger sibling already. And I know that the teenager feels it, hates it. Why would this young person do anything to get the younger sibling to get riled up again immediately after an awful episode?

And you cannot say it was for attention. Because this was done sneakily, and the teenager hoped that it wouldn’t be seen.

I’m trying to understand.

Our dynamic is very similar. I think it a way it is typical sibling rivalry. My adhd kid likes to antagonize the other kid because I think they like seeing someone else get in trouble.

^ sorry, sentence should read: "you should not try..."

There is no such thing as "hyperfocus" ADHD. There's hyperactive, inattentive and mixed-type ADHD (meaning displaying both hyperactive and inattentive).

The explosive temper and the hyperfocus are red flags for autism. The immense majority of autistic kids also have ADHD. So your youngest might actually have a pretty typical ASD/ADHD profile.

I say this in case you haven't looked at ABA or CBT therapy and used specific narration and other socialization practices for ASD kids.

To answer your question, it's because the teen is still a child, and can also have impulsive and childish moments. We all have our moments, OP. Your teen is not perfect and you should not expect them to be perfect! Indeed, since you have one kid with impulsivity issues (ADHD is, at its core, a disorder of attention regulation, which means impulsivity is always at issue), it means your entire family may have tendencies towards ADHD. All these disorders are genetically inheritable, OP. Your teen may be slightly more impulsive than average, or may just have responded instinctively, because they're a kid and it was that kind of day.

That one episode is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. You should to try to diagnose or otherwise interpret this departure from your teen's usually good behavior. And please do not punish them.

Here is one thing I have noticed about some parents of special needs kids who are poorly behaved:

They expect other kids / society / others around THEIR kid to make enormous allowances for their kid. To have the emotional intelligence, skills, and calmness to react and act perfectly, in some inclusive, understanding way.

But OTHER kids are supposed to be perfect in how their respond to the special needs kid. Their kid is being a holy terror, sometimes even violent. But the kid who may not want to sit with the misbehaving child, who may answer back if they special needs kid says something mean? The special needs parent thinks that is terrible of that kid. The special needs parents has very high expectations of OTHER kids while expecting others to make HUGE allowances for her kid.

I think you may be doing this with your kids. Your special needs kid get all sorts of allowance. but your other kid is supposed to be PERFECT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the older teen has feelings and frustrations and gets to vent those. The older teen gets to act out too sometimes.

THIS. Your teen is allowed to react to situations too. Sticking their tongue out is not a big deal.

Double this.

If you’re this worried about your older teen just putting their tongue out at the terror of a younger sibling, you’re the one out of line, OP.