Anonymous
10/12/2025 17:00
Subject: Re:Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.
Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?
Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.
See, you’re tiptoeing and walking on eggshells and trying to defend his behavior when he’s clearly acted egregiously. Ask yourself why.
I don’t know. A third of the ppl are telling me it’s me, a third are telling me it’s him, and a third are telling me it’s both of us. So I think I need to just have the space to collect more data.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:58
Subject: Re:Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?
I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.
Was I supposed to react differently?
OMFG, this is so pathetic. Yes, obviously, the reaction you completely nerfed to one innocent sentence was at least somewhat wrong. Do you have some accountability? Yes, you do. You're half this equation. Quit trying to downplay/negate your own involvement. Nobody intelligent is buying this story you're trying to sell, OP.
Op here. Yeah the thing is you’ll never know and it doesn’t really matter. Next time I can try to remember to record so I can get it word for word and I can then objectively review what was said afterwards. I can’t even tell you for sure if my recollection is 100 percent accurate. Maybe I perceived it very differently from reality. I can only tell you that I believe that’s how it’s happened, and you can either say it’s BS or you can believe me.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:56
Subject: Need an outside perspective
Go to therapy. You can unpack what is really going on there, if this is real.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:54
Subject: Re:Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.
Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?
Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.
See, you’re tiptoeing and walking on eggshells and trying to defend his behavior when he’s clearly acted egregiously. Ask yourself why.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:45
Subject: Need an outside perspective
Your DH sounds like an insufferable piece if work. Sorry to be so blunt.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:45
Subject: Re:Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Rereading what I just wrote, I think the answer is to try to detach somewhat in these scenarios and just observe and take note. As if I was watching another couple.
In the moment, there are way too many emotions I’m feeling.
Also realizing I didn’t really convey what is freaky about his approach. It is just something about his tone. His very controlled manner. While feeling with every fiber of my being his seething anger.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:43
Subject: Re:Need an outside perspective
Rereading what I just wrote, I think the answer is to try to detach somewhat in these scenarios and just observe and take note. As if I was watching another couple.
In the moment, there are way too many emotions I’m feeling.
In the moment, there are way too many emotions I’m feeling.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:39
Subject: Re:Need an outside perspective
Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.
Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.
But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.
He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”
And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.
And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.
But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.
Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.
But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.
He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”
And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.
And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.
But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:38
Subject: Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?
That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.
It is crazy making.
He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.
He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.
We throw the divorce card around far too easily on this board but this guy has a major screw loose and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for awhile.
He didn’t make a mistake. This was on purpose, what’s not clear is why he did it.
Ugh don’t say that. I was just getting to a point where I could gain back control of this by working on my part of the problem. I really would rather you be totally wrong and I hope you’re wrong.
Though I guess if I take the approach I described above, i won’t have to experience my feelings being jerked around. And I can anticipate what his response will be. And maybe I can even record it so I can improve on it with each go around.
And basically get to a point when all his crazy making responses will just slide off my back like it’s nothing. And then we can just bask in the silence of his acting like a jerk. lol. Something to that effect.
You are in a dynamic and each other's actions and reactions impact on the other. If you change how you act and react, the dynamic changes. It is unlikely he will stay the exact same if your actions and reactions are different.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:37
Subject: Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?
That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.
It is crazy making.
He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.
He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.
We throw the divorce card around far too easily on this board but this guy has a major screw loose and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for awhile.
He didn’t make a mistake. This was on purpose, what’s not clear is why he did it.
Ugh don’t say that. I was just getting to a point where I could gain back control of this by working on my part of the problem. I really would rather you be totally wrong and I hope you’re wrong.
Though I guess if I take the approach I described above, i won’t have to experience my feelings being jerked around. And I can anticipate what his response will be. And maybe I can even record it so I can improve on it with each go around.
And basically get to a point when all his crazy making responses will just slide off my back like it’s nothing. And then we can just bask in the silence of his acting like a jerk. lol. Something to that effect.
Here’s the thing OP. You were wrong too and you can only change your own reaction. I would focus on that for a good while before starting in on his reactions.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:24
Subject: Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?
That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.
It is crazy making.
He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.
He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.
We throw the divorce card around far too easily on this board but this guy has a major screw loose and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for awhile.
He didn’t make a mistake. This was on purpose, what’s not clear is why he did it.
Ugh don’t say that. I was just getting to a point where I could gain back control of this by working on my part of the problem. I really would rather you be totally wrong and I hope you’re wrong.
Though I guess if I take the approach I described above, i won’t have to experience my feelings being jerked around. And I can anticipate what his response will be. And maybe I can even record it so I can improve on it with each go around.
And basically get to a point when all his crazy making responses will just slide off my back like it’s nothing. And then we can just bask in the silence of his acting like a jerk. lol. Something to that effect.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:18
Subject: Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?
That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.
It is crazy making.
He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.
He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.
We throw the divorce card around far too easily on this board but this guy has a major screw loose and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for awhile.
He didn’t make a mistake. This was on purpose, what’s not clear is why he did it.
Ugh don’t say that. I was just getting to a point where I could gain back control of this by working on my part of the problem. I really would rather you be totally wrong and I hope you’re wrong.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:15
Subject: Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.
I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”
He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.
I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.
He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.
Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?
What is happening here?
A few things are happening here: One, you are downplaying your reaction so as not to give readers support for your spouse's position. Two, your spouse is immature af and a poor communicator, who could've texted to ask but decided to dump food. Three, you also suck at communicating, and could've just as easily told your family what you were doing, that it mattered to you, not to dump it, etc. Four, you both suck at conflict, get defensive, start blaming, and work to win, not work to solve the problem(s) together.
Five, you brought your messy circus nonsense to DCUM looking for "support" instead of figuring this out like an adult and working on your part of it (and you absolutely have a part in it). You want to hear how bad HE is, and you will, but he's not the part you control.
Stop the villain/victim framing and really own your part. If he still acts like a clown instead of owning his, well, that's informative. Maybe y'all need to work on that. Maybe he's not worth working with. But you have to look at what you did, and the way you wrote this is manipulative as hell, which strongly suggests you're not even trying to own your part.
I came here because after every one of these kinds of exchanges, I feel like I don’t have a grip on reality and I need a third party to bring me back down to earth. I just want to tease out what’s really happening.
I do very much wish I could record the exchange to play it back when I am calm so I can objectively judge. But in the moment, I feel very distressed by his words and his reaction.
How can I have communicated better?
OP, I am also in this marriage and here’s the thing - YOU CAN’T.
There is no way to communicate better because you’re being set up in these situations. If you would have come in and shrugged this off your husband would have still baited you into the argument by acting like you were mad and fake apologizing in hopes of getting a reaction so he could still be the victim. Have you ever genuinely said something is not a big deal and STILL ended up in the argument he wants to have?
The guy isn’t reasonable.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:12
Subject: Re:Need an outside perspective
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.
Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?
Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.
Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.
The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.
I made a pretty loud and audible gasp. And I said “why did you throw out the broth?!” And I said it pretty immediately as a reaction after seeing the empty pot with just the bones in it.
That is just my normal unfiltered reaction. And I’m wondering if I need to stop myself before putting out the “unfiltered” version of my response.
You need to look up the difference between "reacting" and "responding". Because you (over)reacted.
That thing you're contemplating doing, where you pause a beat/breathe and then respond? That's a response. You're an adult now, so if you haven't learned the difference, you've probably (over)reacted a LOT, and may even have a lengthy history and pattern of (over)reacting. A few sessions with a therapist to help you understand the difference and practice responding instead might be a great place to start.
Ok, that’s something I can definitely work on.
Also, I think my husband is sensitive to criticism because his dad was such a jerk to him growing up. Super critical, cursing him out after making a bad play in little league, beating him for getting less than straight A pluses, calling him stupid, calling him names, etc.
A therapist I used to see would likely say that in that heated moment, your husband felt shame, and that his over the top defensiveness was not actually about you, but it was about his dad. The shame triggered that.
The reason I stopped seeing the therapist was that we never got to the solution. We could see that pattern over and over but the therapist's answer was that we needed couples therapy or husband to get his own therapy.
Maybe other people or their therapists have more actionable answers.
I saw a therapist for 2 yrs also. And while he also suggested couples therapy, (which my husband would never agree to), we ultimately worked on how I could change my own behaviors which really helped a lot.
In retrospect, here’s what I could have done differently.
As soon as I saw the empty pot, I would have felt an emotional reaction and that could have been my signal to pause.
Detach myself from the emotion, which realistically would have taken me at least a half hour. Think about approaching it from a problem solving perspective and identify what my end goal was. Which might have been something like— let him know I was upset about losing hours of work, and then ensure it didn’t happen again.
Then carefully craft my response, taking into account his expected response and triggers.
Then deliver it when my head is clear and my emotions have completely cooled.
I do know I am capable of doing this, because I do it all the time with parenting, and with work. But marriage habits die hard.
Anonymous
10/12/2025 16:11
Subject: Need an outside perspective
He didn’t know enough.. it’s unfortunate.
You can be sad about the broth.
But if he didn’t know, you can’t be particularly sad about HIM and the broth.
But do be sad about the broth. It was a representation of your limited time and energy.
Go to him, and make sure he knows you’re not upset about him. It just felt like a sad moment to find out your work was gone, and now a new dinner plan…. See if he will buy dinner. “Please can you make it better for me? I don’t have another dinner plan. Can you help me with this? Again, I’m not upset at you for taking care of our house. It’s only unfortunate.”
You can be sad about the broth.
But if he didn’t know, you can’t be particularly sad about HIM and the broth.
But do be sad about the broth. It was a representation of your limited time and energy.
Go to him, and make sure he knows you’re not upset about him. It just felt like a sad moment to find out your work was gone, and now a new dinner plan…. See if he will buy dinner. “Please can you make it better for me? I don’t have another dinner plan. Can you help me with this? Again, I’m not upset at you for taking care of our house. It’s only unfortunate.”