Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway from this is it’s cultural. Clearly, most people on this thread don’t live in NYC, where we all get yelled on the regular - often by strangers (if you want to experience getting yelled at in NYC just stand still on the left side of the escalator descending into the subway…. Hahahaha!).

Both sides of my family are from NYC and we currently live here. It’s just how people talk when they care - they talk loudly and yell and interrupt and wave their arms around and will sometimes punctuate their yelling with the rhetorical question “are you an idiot!?”

When we were living in the DC area, I quickly learned that even minimally raising my voice or gesticulating when I spoke totally freaks out people from the DMV. I think it’s cultural.

My husband is not from NYC and hates all the yelling that my family does. On the other hand, unlike my family, most of the adults in his family are divorced, often more than once. They give each other silent treatment and live separate lives in the same house and drink silently and alone. So yeah, I guess they are quiet and controlled and “polite” and certainly don’t yell, but it’s so awful. You can just feel the tension permeating the house, and I want to get out of there.

So, due to my cultural bias, I’ll take interacting with a genuine yeller over a controlled seether any day.

For demographic purposes, we are married 20 years with 2 teens.

Agree.

I’ll take talkative, direct, transparent occasionally loud family over silent, passive, non-transparent, “sweep $hit under the rug until it snowballs” people any day.

Of course the holy grail is like the GDS HoS: talkative, empathetic, somewhat patient, direct, transparent, politically correct yet action oriented whilst holding everyone accountable.

Some of us can be talkative, direct, and transparent without yelling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the time. I find it strange when couples can't work up enough emotion to fight every now and then. It's like you're sleepwalking through life.

Interesting that you seem to be confusing anger with passion. What does your therapist say about that?

I’m not the PP, but, I don’t know. What’s wrong with experiencing and expressing each and every human emotion? Sometimes you get so angry you yell. If your partner loves you deeply and accepts that you are human and will sometimes not behave in the most optimal way for the situation…then yelling (assuming no insulting or violence) is just one type of expression that comes out of human experience. They’ll forgive you. That’s how it works in my marriage, anyway. Sometimes we yell. We apologize. We recognize it was not the perfect response, but we’re not perfect people and we don’t expect the other to be perfect.

People are complex, communication between two is even more complex. In my 20 years with my partner (and plenty of yelling) I have never once questioned whether they love me, or want to be with me, or whether they’ll leave. They communicate so profusely, with such emotion, I never wonder. Just as it is perfectly clear when they are a certain kind of angry (they yell!), they are perfectly crystal clear in their love, too. It is just obvious. And a bit of yelling in the relationship almost reinforces that: we don’t only love each other when we behave perfectly. We ALSO love each other even when one makes a mistake and gets so angry they yell.

And I agree that some cultures are much more tolerant of yelling than others. Some cultures even see yelling as necessary and find someone who never yells to be suspicious, inauthentic, or too tightly guarded. Other cultures are opposite and see yelling as overly emotional, or even immature.
In my marriage one person comes from the former culture, one from the latter. Our solution is just to release yelling of any of those cultural deep meanings. It’s not immature, but it’s not a sign of health either. Yelling is emphatic expression from a person who is probably past their limit. We try not to do it, but sometimes we do, and then the task is to get out of it, forgive, and keep on loving each other.

Anonymous wrote:All the time. I find it strange when couples can't work up enough emotion to fight every now and then. It's like you're sleepwalking through life.

Interesting that you seem to be confusing anger with passion. What does your therapist say about that?

Once. Towards the end of covid we were taking an international flight to Lisbon. My husband was having a boarder-line panic attack because the system to check in was all wacky. He insisted we just leave and I yelled "Shut the F up" at Dulles. There was a small family nearby. It weirdly worked but I felt bad about it.

My DW yells her ass off when we are having sex. We worry of our kids (4 and 5) will hear and think we are fighting.

Anonymous wrote:I’m Italian, dh is Jewish. Lots of yelling. But we are also happily married and adore each other. I find couples who never fight to not necessarily be any happier than couples who fight

And let’s not conflate passion & giving a damn with “yelling”.

Too many people hide under a rock and hope problems go away. Rinse and repeat.

Anonymous wrote:I’m Italian, dh is Jewish. Lots of yelling. But we are also happily married and adore each other. I find couples who never fight to not necessarily be any happier than couples who fight

+1000

Anonymous wrote:I’m Italian, dh is Jewish. Lots of yelling. But we are also happily married and adore each other. I find couples who never fight to not necessarily be any happier than couples who fight

What is your sample size for that analysis? n=1?

Anonymous wrote:I yell often. DH never yells. I yell at my kids and husband at least once per week.

Who are these people who have been married 30 years and never yelled at one another????

Half of marriages end in divorce and these dcum have never yelled at one another?

We're divorced but didn't yell at each other at all during our 15 year marriage

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway from this is it’s cultural. Clearly, most people on this thread don’t live in NYC, where we all get yelled on the regular - often by strangers (if you want to experience getting yelled at in NYC just stand still on the left side of the escalator descending into the subway…. Hahahaha!).

Both sides of my family are from NYC and we currently live here. It’s just how people talk when they care - they talk loudly and yell and interrupt and wave their arms around and will sometimes punctuate their yelling with the rhetorical question “are you an idiot!?”

When we were living in the DC area, I quickly learned that even minimally raising my voice or gesticulating when I spoke totally freaks out people from the DMV. I think it’s cultural.

My husband is not from NYC and hates all the yelling that my family does. On the other hand, unlike my family, most of the adults in his family are divorced, often more than once. They give each other silent treatment and live separate lives in the same house and drink silently and alone. So yeah, I guess they are quiet and controlled and “polite” and certainly don’t yell, but it’s so awful. You can just feel the tension permeating the house, and I want to get out of there.

So, due to my cultural bias, I’ll take interacting with a genuine yeller over a controlled seether any day.

For demographic purposes, we are married 20 years with 2 teens.

New Yorker here. This is very accurate!!

I’m Italian, dh is Jewish. Lots of yelling. But we are also happily married and adore each other. I find couples who never fight to not necessarily be any happier than couples who fight

I think a ton of people are passive-aggressive rather than yellers.

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway from this is it’s cultural. Clearly, most people on this thread don’t live in NYC, where we all get yelled on the regular - often by strangers (if you want to experience getting yelled at in NYC just stand still on the left side of the escalator descending into the subway…. Hahahaha!).

Both sides of my family are from NYC and we currently live here. It’s just how people talk when they care - they talk loudly and yell and interrupt and wave their arms around and will sometimes punctuate their yelling with the rhetorical question “are you an idiot!?”

When we were living in the DC area, I quickly learned that even minimally raising my voice or gesticulating when I spoke totally freaks out people from the DMV. I think it’s cultural.

My husband is not from NYC and hates all the yelling that my family does. On the other hand, unlike my family, most of the adults in his family are divorced, often more than once. They give each other silent treatment and live separate lives in the same house and drink silently and alone. So yeah, I guess they are quiet and controlled and “polite” and certainly don’t yell, but it’s so awful. You can just feel the tension permeating the house, and I want to get out of there.

So, due to my cultural bias, I’ll take interacting with a genuine yeller over a controlled seether any day.

For demographic purposes, we are married 20 years with 2 teens.

Agree.

I’ll take talkative, direct, transparent occasionally loud family over silent, passive, non-transparent, “sweep $hit under the rug until it snowballs” people any day.

Of course the holy grail is like the GDS HoS: talkative, empathetic, somewhat patient, direct, transparent, politically correct yet action oriented whilst holding everyone accountable.

Anonymous wrote:I yell often. DH never yells. I yell at my kids and husband at least once per week.

Who are these people who have been married 30 years and never yelled at one another????

Half of marriages end in divorce and these dcum have never yelled at one another?

We never yell and we've been married 37 years. We are both very low maintenance people and we don't sweat the small stuff. Yes, we can get frustrated with each other but that doesn't lead to yelling. We do periodically enjoy a break from each other!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He explodes and yells when he doesn’t want to answer a question. About our taxes, about his work, about where his income is going.

He’s supposed to take lexapro each day but either it isn’t happening or he’s taking it so sporadically, it makes his anger outbursts worse.

Ths asd and bipolar II.

Guy here. What isn’t he answering about work? I don’t want to talk about work because i really don’t care about it outside of work. I give work zero emotional equity in my life.

Why isn’t your pay / his pay going into a joint account?

Why he isn’t bringing any of his partnership bonuses home. Which are significantly larger than his base, which is half mine.

So yeah, why isn’t his pay going into a joint account? (Signal for his abusive explosion of deflection and personal attacks.)

PP here. That is talking about finances not work.

Lol. Keep deflecting and playing semantics, see what happens.