Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s your first, you are very unlikely to conceive naturally at 40. The women having kids at 45 are using donor eggs or eggs they’ve frozen from a prior IVF cycle. My RE used to get so upset about celebrities pretending like they were having their own biological kids so old.

THIS is probably the reason that "educated" women like OP is ill informed about fertility.

Women who omit certain truths about how they got pregnant over 35 are doing other women a great disservice. Put your vanity aside and get real about IVF, donor eggs, the expense and reality of trying to get and stay pregnant later in life.

We omit the truth because other women don't really want to hear it. They only want to hear the upside. Otherwise you're an unsupportive bad friend bringing her down. So, we tell other women want they want to hear because they apparently can't handle the truth.

In my experience, you have to be pretty grown up before people start discussing early miscarriages with you.

I didn't know my grandma had a miscarriage until I was 36 and pregnant with my second. At that point it was 50+ years in the past, and she'd had her desired number of kids. A lot of people don't talk about health issues unless they are obvious to onlookers and/or there's a reason to share knowledge and personal experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d reccomend reading the relevant chapter or two of Expecting Better and It Starts With the Egg.

You are both right. Your doctor wants the best chances, and the best chances are younger. Miscarriage rate and terminate-for-medical-reasons go up with age, as do abnormalities you can’t test for in utero. But also, lots of people do have helathy babies in late 30s/early 40s. 45+ is rarer.

Also, if you want more than one, it gets harder.

With great effort and suffering.

Me and my sister both had unplanned onetime oops babies in our late 30s and early 40s and it’s not at all uncommon. That said, for most people it will be significant easier to conceive in their 30s than in their 40s. And there’s a big difference between 39 and 42 so OP’s doctor is right to say now is the time if she’s interested.

^And second kid cost us 40k.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I clearly was very uninformed. I hadn’t followed data closely nor had anyone in my core circle or extended circle seemingly had difficulties or abnormalities. Most of my group is Masters educated, middle class African American, Puerto Rican, and Filipino. Raised and schooled pre-college in PG County. Which may be a much smaller data point than Caucasian women.

I am in no way offended at the remarks here nor my doctors - I was simply shocked at her blunt push to start immediately.

We're getting to some loaded questions here, OP. Do you think the bolded is a factor in being knowledgeable about a wide range of medically-important topics?

I’m black and educated (a doctor) and struggle to conceive my 2nd at 33 after getting pregnant easily at 29. I had a two miscarriages due to chromosome abnormalities and have a 18 month old now. I’m not out there advertising my miscarriages. You probably just see me walking around with two kids and don’t realize the pain and struggle that went with it

Ditto. Another black, educated professional with a struggle to share. Three miscarriages, 2 live births at 32 and then 12 long years later at 45. Second kid is on the spectrum (high functioning).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s your first, you are very unlikely to conceive naturally at 40. The women having kids at 45 are using donor eggs or eggs they’ve frozen from a prior IVF cycle. My RE used to get so upset about celebrities pretending like they were having their own biological kids so old.

THIS is probably the reason that "educated" women like OP is ill informed about fertility.

Women who omit certain truths about how they got pregnant over 35 are doing other women a great disservice. Put your vanity aside and get real about IVF, donor eggs, the expense and reality of trying to get and stay pregnant later in life.

We omit the truth because other women don't really want to hear it. They only want to hear the upside. Otherwise you're an unsupportive bad friend bringing her down. So, we tell other women want they want to hear because they apparently can't handle the truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I clearly was very uninformed. I hadn’t followed data closely nor had anyone in my core circle or extended circle seemingly had difficulties or abnormalities. Most of my group is Masters educated, middle class African American, Puerto Rican, and Filipino. Raised and schooled pre-college in PG County. Which may be a much smaller data point than Caucasian women.

I am in no way offended at the remarks here nor my doctors - I was simply shocked at her blunt push to start immediately.

We're getting to some loaded questions here, OP. Do you think the bolded is a factor in being knowledgeable about a wide range of medically-important topics?

I’m black and educated (a doctor) and struggle to conceive my 2nd at 33 after getting pregnant easily at 29. I had a two miscarriages due to chromosome abnormalities and have a 18 month old now. I’m not out there advertising my miscarriages. You probably just see me walking around with two kids and don’t realize the pain and struggle that went with it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think there are any women on dcum who get to 39 without being familiar with the stats on this stuff. The OP writes like she has a college degree. So I think it’s fake.

+1. There is no way she has hit the age of 39 without having a friend or colleague who has had some issues conceiving. This is a troll post.

Not true. I was that person. I didn't have close female friends; my sisters were in different situations. I totally bought into the "women can have it all" bs and assumed it would be fine to have kids later.

Anonymous wrote:If it’s your first, you are very unlikely to conceive naturally at 40. The women having kids at 45 are using donor eggs or eggs they’ve frozen from a prior IVF cycle. My RE used to get so upset about celebrities pretending like they were having their own biological kids so old.

THIS is probably the reason that "educated" women like OP is ill informed about fertility.

Women who omit certain truths about how they got pregnant over 35 are doing other women a great disservice. Put your vanity aside and get real about IVF, donor eggs, the expense and reality of trying to get and stay pregnant later in life.

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t think there are any women on dcum who get to 39 without being familiar with the stats on this stuff. The OP writes like she has a college degree. So I think it’s fake.

+1. There is no way she has hit the age of 39 without having a friend or colleague who has had some issues conceiving. This is a troll post.

OP, if you want a child, you should be trying NOW.

39 is old!

If I was 39 and in a personal position to have children, but not feeling rushed, I would really appreciate this feedback from my OB. Having a child at 39 is generally not easy for most, but there are varying degrees of "not easy." I had a child at 37, started trying for a second at 39 and it took 7 losses, 7 egg retrievals, and 5 IVF transfers to finally have a second at age 42. Get on it if you can, OP!

Anonymous wrote:I went for my yearly visit and she was very frank about it needing to happen soon. She apologized for being pushy but said the chances of chromosomal abnormalities hits very hard at 40 and the curve goes up and up and up.

I was shocked or surprised given how many women I see online having children at 45+ in recent years. These being healthy children as well.

You are only hearing the success stories. It is a self selected group. There are many more unsuccessful stories and people don't talk about that.
Look, 39 is old. Your oven is entering the vale of years.

Anonymous wrote:I’d reccomend reading the relevant chapter or two of Expecting Better and It Starts With the Egg.

You are both right. Your doctor wants the best chances, and the best chances are younger. Miscarriage rate and terminate-for-medical-reasons go up with age, as do abnormalities you can’t test for in utero. But also, lots of people do have helathy babies in late 30s/early 40s. 45+ is rarer.

Also, if you want more than one, it gets harder.

With great effort and suffering.

I’d reccomend reading the relevant chapter or two of Expecting Better and It Starts With the Egg.

You are both right. Your doctor wants the best chances, and the best chances are younger. Miscarriage rate and terminate-for-medical-reasons go up with age, as do abnormalities you can’t test for in utero. But also, lots of people do have helathy babies in late 30s/early 40s. 45+ is rarer.

Also, if you want more than one, it gets harder.