Anonymous wrote:You were married 15 years before you had a kid?

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

I admit I would be curious to have a friend do some social media sleuthing and find out if his wife left him, but better not to get involved, lol. Does your son not have contact with his paternal grandparents?

Paternal grandmother has passed away since the divorce. Paternal grandfather is in a nursing home with multiple chronic conditions. His health is very poor and he probably won’t live much longer.

When the divorce began, they immediately cut me and kid out. They supported ex 100%. My ex mil passed away late last year and one of their family members reached out to me to ask why kid wasn’t at the memorial service with their dad. I simply stated dad has no contact with kid due to dad’s choice. They said everyone thought it odd ex didn’t mention his child at all when they caught up with him during the memorial and after the funeral service.

Ya’ll don’t understand what terrible and odd circumstance my poor kid had to deal with. They were loving grandparents until they weren’t. Oddly enough, my kid is mentioned as beloved grandchild of deceased grandmother in her obituary.

I feel like we are in the twilight zone.

OP, I'm currently doing genealogy and have been reading a thread about obituaries. Specifically about how people are under pressure, have poor recall, etc. when they are preparing them. The conversation was about accuracy issues and surprising omissions.

A helpful interpretation for you, re: the "twilight zone" obituary comment may be that the person who wrote the obituary had an outdated impression of the relationship, did not know of the estrangement situation, or was just throwing in formulaic expressions to sound conventional.

I would disregard the obituary as anything other than a check the box exercise by an unknown person. The funeral home might have drafted it.

It was written by my ex and his father.

The first comment on my ex-mil’s obituary is from the AP, now wife. She sent love from her 4 adult kids (who never once met my ex-mil).

I put my child’s happiness and stability first. My exes cousin who was close to my child offered to take us to the nursing home were my mil was before she died so my kid could see his grandma. She had gone septic after surgery. She unfortunately died before we could take kid to see her, but I don’t even know if it would have been good for kid to see her. She was unresponsive and close to death.

Anonymous wrote:My ex began an affair in another state while traveling for work, I found out, and filed for divorce. He did not want the divorce, but I was done. I offered to attend marriage counseling and he declined, so I told him I could not stay married after his infidelity and filed.

He moved to the affair state with his AP while I stayed where we had been living with our kid. The divorce took about 2 years. We had been married 25 years. I have not spoken to him or contacted him at all, after the divorce was finalized. He has remarried his AP and I have assumed they were happy, etc.

He pays alimony and cs, and has cut off all communication with our kid. Kid is in therapy, confused, sad. I feel terrible for our child but I have been helping them handle their father’s absence as much as I can. I offered time and time again to help facilitate the relationship between dad and child, to the point the therapist said please stop, it’s not going to happen, your ex is completely checked out of kid’s life.

So we have rebuilt our lives. It’s going ok.

Last night, around 10 pm, I received an obviously drunken text from ex. He expressed regret and said he felt pain like no other over what he has done. He said he had no excuse for his actions and was sorry. He said he wishes he could talk to me and thinks about us all the time.

I don’t plan on responding. I am going to show my kid’s therapist the text and ask her to discuss the issue with my child. I want a professional to help my child navigate their feelings and emotions and possible actions (ie, contacting their dad and expressing themselves to him in any way they feel comfortable) they could make in response to the text.

That being said: what would you do in response to this text.

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

I’m not sure why you are not getting this - the court said that this guy *does not have* the right to see his kid. And based on what she had said here, he doesn’t deserve to. This dad forfeited all of his legal and moral right to his kid. The only question is what the KID has the right to, and that is for OP alone to figure out.

You’re right- I’m not getting it. I’m not being obtuse on purpose- I thought OP said father tried to give up his rights and was denied. The child tried to call dad hundreds of times it’s clear he wanted a relationship. That seems to be indicitive of kid wanting a relationship with his dad doesn’t it?

Read this whole thread again. You aren’t getting it.

And the father trying to give up his rights means he was trying to get out of child support not that he was forced by the court to have contact with his child.

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

I’m not sure why you are not getting this - the court said that this guy *does not have* the right to see his kid. And based on what she had said here, he doesn’t deserve to. This dad forfeited all of his legal and moral right to his kid. The only question is what the KID has the right to, and that is for OP alone to figure out.

You’re right- I’m not getting it. I’m not being obtuse on purpose- I thought OP said father tried to give up his rights and was denied. The child tried to call dad hundreds of times it’s clear he wanted a relationship. That seems to be indicitive of kid wanting a relationship with his dad doesn’t it?

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

I’m not sure why you are not getting this - the court said that this guy *does not have* the right to see his kid. And based on what she had said here, he doesn’t deserve to. This dad forfeited all of his legal and moral right to his kid. The only question is what the KID has the right to, and that is for OP alone to figure out.

You’re right- I’m not getting it. I’m not being obtuse on purpose- I thought OP said father tried to give up his rights and was denied. The child tried to call dad hundreds of times it’s clear he wanted a relationship. That seems to be indicitive of kid wanting a relationship with his dad doesn’t it?

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say I’m sorry for your continued stress and drama from you a-hole ex. I’m mid divorce and I see my kids getting their hopes crushed again and again my a father who can’t live up to expectations and it’s so hard no matter what you do. I think the father-kids relationship is the hardest thing about my divorce because I want things to be as good as possible for the kids and my ex has a way of making all possible scenarios unpleasant for the kids. Shows up and lets them know he’s disappointed with them or I’ve ’ruined them’, blows them off and seems not to care, acts like a read dad for a while and gets their hopes up and then cycles through the other options.

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

OP it seems like you don’t want dad and kid to have a relationship. Is that true or am I reading you wrong? Apologies if I’m misinterpreting.

She said multiple times how she tried to facilitate a relationship. You’re just making things up now.

I’m not talking about what OP has done in the past. I mean currently.

I agree with OP that parenthood isn’t an occasional job. I believe dad’s a selfish jerk! But OP seems to think dads sniffing around to rekindle a relationship with exW, or son, and OP doesn’t seem to feel that he deserves it. I agree with my monkey mind, I just know the law and that isn’t how it works. I’m just asking OP because I don’t think it’s as clear as you do, I’m not trying to make anything up? I’m team OP and team kid. But blowing sunshine up OPs rear about what an undeserving jerk dad is won’t help when he is still legally the kids father. That’s all.

She described her son calling him hundreds of times and being ignored. It took an extremely long time to get over it and he physically lashes out when he gets agitated. So yeah, if I'm OP, I'm not keen to respond or tell my son about it and risk getting his hopes up and huge devastating setbacks just over one text when dad was feeling his feels. Let's see at minimum if dad will even... send a second text? An email? This could all be nothing.

Agreed! Of course OP shouldn’t tell a child about a random drunken text from their estranged dad. No one is saying she should. But OP is wrong if she thinks she has the right to determine kid can’t see dad IFF dad does reach out to to kid, or if dads marriage fails and dad moves back.

OP said:
“I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.”

She’s not risking “exposing” child to a new boyfriend. It’s child’s father. She doesn’t have to right to determine that dad and kid can’t see one another, unfortunately, even if “pain and trauma” might result.

I’m not sure why you are not getting this - the court said that this guy *does not have* the right to see his kid. And based on what she had said here, he doesn’t deserve to. This dad forfeited all of his legal and moral right to his kid. The only question is what the KID has the right to, and that is for OP alone to figure out.

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Anonymous wrote:What’s your concern for your child then bases on this text to you?

Dad is expressing regret. I don’t want to deprive my child of a relationship w/their father, but his past behavior has shown he isn’t a person to trust. Dad deprived child from a relationship with him, purposely.

I don’t want to harm my child by exposing them to a someone who may end up adding another layer of trauma and pain into their lives.

Respectfully- you chose to make said child with an untrustworthy man. You can’t now decide that they can’t see them. If dad wants a relationship he has a right to one.

Sounds like dear old dad left mom with a special needs 10 year old completely on her own to deal with puberty and a time when he was growing physically stronger and mom really could have used a dad in the household to help. Now that kid is in HS and the harder stuff is done he can come and play hero dad (or not, and leave the OP to deal with any disappointment and setbacks).

Yes, it does sound this way. None of this changes the fact that dads have a right to relationship with their kids, even the shitty ones.

Fair, but if he wants to enforce that, there are legal methods to do that and its not by drunken texts. He can look at their court order and if it allows visitation he can send her a letter requesting it. But I think he's not serious and maybe he had a fight with his wife or something, so I wouldn't rrespond unless he followed up.

+1

This is op. That was my exact thought. Something is awry in dad’s life and he is looking for emotional comfort or to assuage his guilt.

Parenthood is not an occasional job and is about the kid.

I admit I would be curious to have a friend do some social media sleuthing and find out if his wife left him, but better not to get involved, lol. Does your son not have contact with his paternal grandparents?

Paternal grandmother has passed away since the divorce. Paternal grandfather is in a nursing home with multiple chronic conditions. His health is very poor and he probably won’t live much longer.

When the divorce began, they immediately cut me and kid out. They supported ex 100%. My ex mil passed away late last year and one of their family members reached out to me to ask why kid wasn’t at the memorial service with their dad. I simply stated dad has no contact with kid due to dad’s choice. They said everyone thought it odd ex didn’t mention his child at all when they caught up with him during the memorial and after the funeral service.

Ya’ll don’t understand what terrible and odd circumstance my poor kid had to deal with. They were loving grandparents until they weren’t. Oddly enough, my kid is mentioned as beloved grandchild of deceased grandmother in her obituary.

I feel like we are in the twilight zone.

OP, I'm currently doing genealogy and have been reading a thread about obituaries. Specifically about how people are under pressure, have poor recall, etc. when they are preparing them. The conversation was about accuracy issues and surprising omissions.

A helpful interpretation for you, re: the "twilight zone" obituary comment may be that the person who wrote the obituary had an outdated impression of the relationship, did not know of the estrangement situation, or was just throwing in formulaic expressions to sound conventional.

I would disregard the obituary as anything other than a check the box exercise by an unknown person. The funeral home might have drafted it.