Milestone trips aren’t that important in hindsight. Following through with your commitments is. Also you are slated to host your friend, it’s not like your meeting for margs and a giggle.

Anonymous wrote:This is literally the think we tell teenagers not to do - cancel on an old friend because shinier plans came along.

+1
Even my younger kids know you never cancel or change plans bc something better comes along. That would be awful! You shouldn’t even be in the running for bday plans for that weekend and should have bowed out of the discussion once you knew it was for that weekend. You’re also making excuses - I’ve gone to the west coast foe a night, to the UK for 36 hours, etc. It can be done if you’re dead set on not missing some bday dinner

I'm starting to think this is a made up scenario and everyone has wasted time probing the options.

You have a previous commitment.

Or you call your college friend and explain and discuss it together.

Silver and gold. Don’t lose the gold girl—college friend.
My dearest friends in my 50s—my high school/college friends. Mom friends flamed out. Friendly acquaintances these days. Fond memories.

I personally feel that you are obligated to the first person that you made a plan with which would be the first friend.

However since you found out later on about this other friend’s birthday getaway no one would blame you if you didn’t want to miss out on that trip either.

If I were your first friend I would totally understand and just book a hotel room.

If your friend gets angry at this then you may want to ask yourself if this person has your best interests at heart.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you told the mom group that weekend didn’t work for you, and they chose that weekend anyway. I’m not saying they chose it BECAUSE it didn’t work for you but it does say something about your place in the group. It would seem really desperate to ditch your previous plans so you could join the girls trip.

+1. If you were really as close with the birthday girl as you think, a weekend that didn’t work for you wouldn’t have been chosen.

Just for the sake of argument, what if OP wants to get closer instead of going farther. College friend would merrily use free accommodations, food, dinner, drinks and few hours of nostalgic conversation but OP and her family's day to day lives are intertwined with this mom group so she'll not only be inconvenienced by hosting but will miss the chance to strengthen her current friendships. We all know how tough it is to survive complex social situations.

Sounds like this group is fine with OP staying on the fringes, otherwise they’d have accommodated her conflict.

Anonymous wrote:You would feel bad no matter which choice you make.

LOL, I don't think OP will. She is working hard to make it sound like ditching her college friend is the right thing to do!!

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, it would not make sense to fly to the birthday celebration for 36 hours so going on Saturday isn’t really an option.

College friend could still stay at my house but my parents would need to come watch my kids which would be a bit awkward, and our kids don’t really know one another as they aren’t the same ages and we don’t see each other often.

I have been close with the mom friend for 9 years since we both moved to the same neighborhood and our oldest kids were born one month apart.

YOLO. If you would rather do the trip, do it, but make up an excuse (and make sure they don't post pics of you on social media).

*and it seems OP would've more fun at the trip than cleaning and cooking for another family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you told the mom group that weekend didn’t work for you, and they chose that weekend anyway. I’m not saying they chose it BECAUSE it didn’t work for you but it does say something about your place in the group. It would seem really desperate to ditch your previous plans so you could join the girls trip.

+1. If you were really as close with the birthday girl as you think, a weekend that didn’t work for you wouldn’t have been chosen.

Just for the sake of argument, what if OP wants to get closer instead of going farther. College friend would merrily use free accommodations, food, dinner, drinks and few hours of nostalgic conversation but OP and her family's day to day lives are intertwined with this mom group so she'll not only be inconvenienced by hosting but will miss the chance to strengthen her current friendships. We all know how tough it is to survive complex social situations.

Anonymous wrote:I would keep your plans with college friend. Can you go meet up with bday friend early Sat morning? You will miss the Fri nite, but if you can drive/fly early Sat morning to meet them, I'd do that.

I hate cancelling plans I committed to. So I couldn't do that - but that's a me problem, I'm a little inflexible like that. So even though it means missing the Friday part of the girls weekend, that is what I would probably do.

No, you're not inflexible. You keep your commitments and are not an opportunist. Unlike many other people.

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you told the mom group that weekend didn’t work for you, and they chose that weekend anyway. I’m not saying they chose it BECAUSE it didn’t work for you but it does say something about your place in the group. It would seem really desperate to ditch your previous plans so you could join the girls trip.

This. I’ve had my own bad experiences with mom friend groups, but the fact that they chose the weekend that doesn’t work for you says a lot.

Several years ago, I had a group of mom friends in my neighborhood in the late 30s age range. A new mom moved to the neighborhood and joined the group since she knew another woman previously. She quickly became a queen bee type, which changed the dynamics of the group. I had planned a birthday party and sleepover for most of the kids on a summer Saturday evening to celebrate DD’s birthday, including the newer mom. This woman calls me about a week and a half before to say that she wants to throw a welcome to the neighborhood party at her house for a new family that moved in and the night that works best for “everyone else” was the night of DD’s birthday party and I didn’t mind not attending, did I? She worded it in such a way that if I objected, I’d be labeled difficult or angry. I was gracious, but it made me realize my place in the group and not to prioritize them anymore.

Of course following the party, all I heard about was how fun it was and that they wished I could have made it. I was watching all their kids!!

Three years later, the original mom group has fallen apart and that woman is now the straight up neighborhood queen bee. Since most of us that were friends at the time are now busier with activities and sports as our kids have gotten older, the queen bee is now friends with moms of kids in preschool and lower elementary. Which is somewhat bizarre when she makes her kids go to play dates and family hang out of kids much younger than hers. All to say OP, mom groups are overrated. Don’t ditch your college friend.

Anonymous wrote:Presumably you told the mom group that weekend didn’t work for you, and they chose that weekend anyway. I’m not saying they chose it BECAUSE it didn’t work for you but it does say something about your place in the group. It would seem really desperate to ditch your previous plans so you could join the girls trip.

+1. If you were really as close with the birthday girl as you think, a weekend that didn’t work for you wouldn’t have been chosen.

Anonymous wrote:I vote for college friend because you committed so ethically unless there is a health, family or work emergency, you keep the commitment.

However, people saying someone you went to college with for 4 years, a decade ago and haven't stayed in contact with, is somehow more important than someone who's been your friend for a decade and is a part of your life and social support network.

Where did OP say that she has not stayed in contact with the college friend?
OP actually said that her college friend is a "good friend"

OP, be a good friend back and do the right thing. We teach our kids to not dump on a commitment if a "better" offer comes along. Why would you do so and be that kind of person?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in the part where everyone in the big group is sharing their open weekends, and it gets to be the weekend you aren’t free.

This happens to me for book clubs, parties, all the time. It’s not me being paranoid, and I think I’m hearing their conflicts, and it’s like “but I’ll be out of town, but that’s the week my son has a tournament, etc.”

It’s actually.. more exciting for you to the be the friend that has something. Have something. Something else besides this group. Don’t have FOMO now, and don’t have FOMO later. You may have more fun spending an hour or two with your one friend than being just one of the many doing braggy girls trip stuff.

Be the friend who hosts and sits in the dark talking for just a little too late. While her DH stresses that you need to get to bed lol. And then see them off in the morning.

I imagine that’s a better friend than the one who’s doing a big girls dinner in another city. The rest of them got their pull for the weekend, you didn’t. Could be a sign of the natural pecking order. It’s slightly ‘wannabe’ to just follow that group.

This. And as another poster said, what does it signal to the group when you are at the birthday weekend anyway. Desperation, willingness to toss a friend to the side, can’t-miss-out or have your own life. They’ll ask questions, so what happened with your college friend. Are you going to tell them, “I told her another time”? Or are you tempted to lie “oh yeah she cancelled.” Because a lie will come back around, and the truth sounds lame.

OP will just lie and say college friend cancelled. She’s comfortable with doing what’s best for her.