I think it’s also common for people to demonise their exes to avoid their own feelings of shame, guilt and regret. And of course there is a whole industry that capitalises on that.

I am sad and I regret my divorce.

But I also recognize that it had to happen. My ex and I were never going to break free from the dysfunctional patterns and never be the relationship I want modelled for my kids. One where two people truly respect and enjoy each other.

Pick your sadness and regret.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With a good marriage, regret very often

With an abusive marriage, regret not doing it earlier

Who gets divorced with a “good marriage”?

I e seen someone cheat midlife in what had been up until someone’s midlife cheating a very happy marriage. If the person wakes up and dies the true work and has remorse- they can go onto be very happy long marriages/empty nest. But internet shamers and judges will say it’s automatic divorce. Throw out 30 years over 1, etc

Anonymous wrote:Ones due to midlife crises - very common.

People usually outgrow those.

Yeah it’s a childish phase for many, usually affairing down.

Anonymous wrote:Not common at all. I know people who very much wish they hadn't felt the need, but everyone who's had one who I know is relieved.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gates both have recently said they regret their divorces, so has Ben Affleck.

Ones due to midlife crises - very common.

People usually outgrow those.

I don’t regret leaving my ex. He was financially abusive and I really got depressed and my health suffered.

But do I grieve the life I wanted and had before the divorce and before it became unbearable? Yes. But it was not sustainable. He turned out to be a monster in the divorce process so I have zero recollection of happy times at this point.

One group of people who are likely to regret divorce are those who don’t really want one, but present it as a nuclear option to get their way on something, and then to their surprise find their partner accepting it. My BPD ex did that, and my therapist tells me they did me the biggest favor. My grown kids aren’t thrilled by how much of the craziness that I used to absorb now gets hurled in their direction, but they know I suffered more than enough.

I’m not sure how common this scenario is, however, but it falls into the “grass is greener” category, a subset where the person seeking the divorce envisions the divorce being a win for them (and also wants it to be a consequence/punishment for their partner).

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say I am in the camp of having zero options OTHER than to divorce (there is no physical abuse, or affair) but am somewhat backed into a corner. One of my fears is regretting the decision - how common is this? Would love to get a sense...

Most people wouldn't admit their regrets about staying married or getting divorced hence its difficult to gather reliable data.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a lot of regret, but not all of it regretting the divorce. Divorce typically comes with a big financial hit that can take many years to recover from.

+1 Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make. Your worth gets cut in half and your expenses double. So basically you are left to live on 25% of what you had. Often, people who aren't the earners in the family don't understand the gravity of this.
Divorce should only be a worst case decision, not simply because you're "unhappy". It's much easier to work towards " happiness" within a marriage, when you're not also going through financial hardship.

You can’t put a price tag on having to share a bed with someone who mistreats you, or for whom you have zero respect. TBH, if you are having sex with sooneone you are not attracted to, for financial reasons, what dues that make you? (I see you Melania)

I vote for adults setting themselves set up so that their only path to financial stability does not require being married. That was my plan, and I fear for any daughter being raised differently.

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband regrets the divorce, but he was also the one who had a 3 year affair, lost his job, lost his friends. He has a lot of regrets.

I regret not leaving sooner.

He regrets being held accountable.

Anonymous wrote:Most of my divorced friends have privately admitted to me they regret it deeply.

Not my sister.

She has been with a man who is a much better partner for 15 years now.

Anonymous wrote:My BIL still regrets his divorce 10 years later. He behaved poorly to the extent that his own parents and siblings distanced themselves from him. He’s gotten therapy but hasn’t been in a stable relationship since. Former SIL is happily remarried and has twins with her new husband, in addition to hers and BIL’s child.

I would rephrase that: he regrets his own behavior, which led his wife to leave him.

I am so happy that she has found happiness with someone more deserving.

Both of my brothers regret the way their marriages ended and that they were not able to figure out a way to keep the marriage intact. They both have substance abuse issues and mental health problems.

Neither of their ex-wives regret their divorce and I know they are relieved to have gotten out of those marriages even with the co-parenting challenges it created. I don't think they can ever totally regret their marriages because they love their kids, who are great, but I'm certain they look back on red flags from early in those relationships and wish they'd done a better job of recognizing where things were headed.

I have empathy for all involved but mostly just wish my brothers didn't struggle with these demons. I don't blame my former SILs at all for choosing to get out of those marriages. I have mixed feelings about the impact on kids -- the divorces are hard on my nieces and nephews but also it would have been hard on them if there hadn't been divorce either. I hope the experience helps them know better what to do, and not to do, in their adult relationships. I especially hope they can break the cycles of substance issues and mental health problems, and I have faith that it's possible because I did it myself (happily married, two kids, no substance problems, very healthy mentally with help of therapists and supportive spouse).

Anonymous wrote:Surprisingly less common than regretting getting married.
As a man, marrying the wrong woman is a mistake that creates near lifetime obligations. The biggest lesson learned was do not get married, that alimony check is a monthly reminder of heartbreak and injustice. There are always consequences for decisions and actions, but it sucks paying the consequences for your decisions and someone else’s actions.

Anything less vague to say?

Wrong woman. Obligations. Heartbreak. Injustice. Alimony. Someone else’s actions.