Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The fit spouse either works out at home after the kids are in bed, during their lunch break, or occasionally goes to the gym with the kids in tow to drop them off at the gym's childcare. The other spouse typically spends this time on their computer and/or playing video games; they indeed are responsible for more chores because they wanted multiple pets and agreed to do all of the pet care.

So are you saying that you would be willing to take on more chores, childcare, and pet care if your less fit spouse spent more time working out? Because you would consider that a contribution to the marriage/household?

Of course not, it's only all about OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a man, I can assure you no wife on Earth counts you staying fit as a contribution to the marriage. She counts you going to the gym as you having time to yourself, she's mad about it, and she holds it against you.

I’m the wife and absolutely consider staying fit as contribution to marriage and my DH feels the same. We usually go to gym (weights) together and do all cardio outside - mountains, beaches, etc. we do something active everyday. We eat healthy and cook together and split other chores. DH does most of the cooking! Can’t imagine being with someone the opposite. I guess compatibility is the key to relationships. Married now 29 yrs and have always been very fit.

No kids and a maid service, right?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The fit spouse either works out at home after the kids are in bed, during their lunch break, or occasionally goes to the gym with the kids in tow to drop them off at the gym's childcare. The other spouse typically spends this time on their computer and/or playing video games; they indeed are responsible for more chores because they wanted multiple pets and agreed to do all of the pet care.

So are you saying that you would be willing to take on more chores, childcare, and pet care if your less fit spouse spent more time working out? Because you would consider that a contribution to the marriage/household?

I have mixed feelings in this because I do think caring for yourself is something that you should want to do for your family. My Dad had a heart attack and got serious about exercise and eating better. Now it was for him, but as his kid, I would like to have him around longer as my mom would to. Your health choices do impact your family.

However, framing it as a contribution to your marriage just doesn't feel right to me. Especially framing it as being hot or fit for sexual purposes, it feels off.

So I do think someone in a loving relationship should realize that exercise to the point of basic health is something you should want to do both for yourself and your family. But you should also want that for yourself and your actions shouldn't lead to bean counting or resentment. If you're concerned about your partner's health, that's a separate conversation.

Anonymous wrote:Ehhh, in the process of a really shitty divorce and his gym time definitely played into it.
“Do you want to get lunch today?” “No, I’m going to gym.” (Rinse and repeat a million times)
“I’m going to get stocking stuffers on my lunch break, can you help?” “”No, I have to go to the gym”
“Do you have time to pick up milk and eggs?” “No, I’m going to the gym”

Rinse and repeat.
I eventually found a gym where I could take a 5 am class because that was the ONLY time I could find for myself- and it wasn’t even noted that mom’s gym time meant losing sleep. Everything else just needed to get done.

I had a similar experience with my husband who gave up on the fitness stuff after a year or so. Kids were 2, 4, 6, & 7 at the time. He went to the gym early in the morning, leaving me to do mornings with the kids. Then, because he was getting up early, he fell asleep early in the evening leaving me to do bedtime solo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a man, I can assure you no wife on Earth counts you staying fit as a contribution to the marriage. She counts you going to the gym as you having time to yourself, she's mad about it, and she holds it against you.

I’m the wife and absolutely consider staying fit as contribution to marriage and my DH feels the same. We usually go to gym (weights) together and do all cardio outside - mountains, beaches, etc. we do something active everyday. We eat healthy and cook together and split other chores. DH does most of the cooking! Can’t imagine being with someone the opposite. I guess compatibility is the key to relationships. Married now 29 yrs and have always been very fit.

I think this is very different if you are empty nesters vs parents of kids young enough to use the gym childcare.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. All the deep cleaning is outsourced. Cooking is shared.

bring in bacon 50/50 i assume?

Anonymous wrote:If you are a man, I can assure you no wife on Earth counts you staying fit as a contribution to the marriage. She counts you going to the gym as you having time to yourself, she's mad about it, and she holds it against you.

I’m the wife and absolutely consider staying fit as contribution to marriage and my DH feels the same. We usually go to gym (weights) together and do all cardio outside - mountains, beaches, etc. we do something active everyday. We eat healthy and cook together and split other chores. DH does most of the cooking! Can’t imagine being with someone the opposite. I guess compatibility is the key to relationships. Married now 29 yrs and have always been very fit.

Anonymous wrote:If you are a man, I can assure you no wife on Earth counts you staying fit as a contribution to the marriage. She counts you going to the gym as you having time to yourself, she's mad about it, and she holds it against you.

Sorry your wife sucks but I'm a wife and I don't think that way. I believe it's important for my husband to spend time on things he cares about, even if it means time away from the house or family. He does the same for me. I know several couples we are friends with who are the same.

Anonymous wrote:If you are a man, I can assure you no wife on Earth counts you staying fit as a contribution to the marriage. She counts you going to the gym as you having time to yourself, she's mad about it, and she holds it against you.

This, a 10000%. You have to do more chores at home, my guy.

Anonymous wrote:No. It's not. Has nothing to do with marriage.

Says out of shape last petson

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If one spouse is fit, works out multiple times a week, and eats healthy, while the other never works out, is obese, and avoids most fruits and vegetables, does staying fit count as a contribution to the marriage? Let's assume both people work the same hours, have similar amounts of free time, and are without major health issues.

Both extremes are as bad as the other. But both are rooted in mental illness and spouses have an obligation to treat mental illnesses.

Nobody has an obligation to be in shape and skinny.

No accepting your spouses aging body is a form of abuse.

Not wanting to have sex with someone who has gained 30lbs and doesn’t do basic skincare or hair maintenance is natural though. I don’t care that my spouse has gotten older. Gray hair and wrinkles are fine. Giving up and getting fat is not.

I've gained 30 lbs and i'm not even considered overweight. You sound mental.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my friends' husbands is always training for ultramarathons. But that means he's gone literally all day, every weekend, because it takes a wee bit of time to run 100km. Is he fit? Sure. Does he ever see his kids, or participate in family life? Rarely.

He’s having an affair with the “running buddy”

Ironically, my friend's husband was having an affair with a woman in his running group. It started right after one of the other men in the group had an affair with the same woman. Co-ed running groups ... I don't know.

Being a runner in general points to some need for attention and low self-esteem.

+1

We don't really track "contributions to our marriage", so I'm not sure how to think about this. I have always worked out, and it's important to me. I do it for myself, so I don't know if it's fair to say I'm doing it for my spouse even if they appreciate it.

Ehhh, in the process of a really shitty divorce and his gym time definitely played into it.
“Do you want to get lunch today?” “No, I’m going to gym.” (Rinse and repeat a million times)
“I’m going to get stocking stuffers on my lunch break, can you help?” “”No, I have to go to the gym”
“Do you have time to pick up milk and eggs?” “No, I’m going to the gym”

Rinse and repeat.
I eventually found a gym where I could take a 5 am class because that was the ONLY time I could find for myself- and it wasn’t even noted that mom’s gym time meant losing sleep. Everything else just needed to get done.