Anonymous wrote:I'm seeking a sanity check on whether these things are reasonable. I'm most interested in hearing from people who are well off but not rich, with adult kids in their twenties who graduated from college without debt and have good jobs.

I will share how my parents support my siblings and I. It gave us a leg up and helped in the long run:

1. How much does helping your 20-something kids affect your budget and retirement plans? I'm not as interested in hearing from people who have $10m or more, but from people still working and saving for retirement. Are you willing to keep working after 65 to be able to pay for grad school, weddings, down payments, etc?

It should not. No child wants their parent to bear that burden. That would be devastating.


2. How do you resolve disagreements with your spouse about how much support to provide adult kids and at what cost? What would you do if your spouse were spending down assets on adult kids without your blessing, which you didn't give because you legitimately believe you couldn't afford it?

That requires good communication, mutual respect, and compromise. Disagreements should lead to conversations and mutually agreed upon solutions...not moving forward without the other's blessing.


3. When your adult kid visits, do you cover 100% of the costs of their trip? For example, do you pay for their airline ticket, groceries, meals out, etc?

Parents cover groceries and meals out (sometimes I will sneak my cc into the bill holder on special occasions or when I feel I am able to without rocking the budget too much). I pay for travel costs.


4. When you vacation with your adult kids, do you also cover 100% of the costs? Not just the housing, but for example, do you pay for their round of golf, ski lift ticket, or other activities?

Parents cover if it is their idea but, I also try to pay for some meals out, make meals, and pay for some of the entertainment.


5. An adult kid who has graduated and is employed visits and makes their own plans. Is it reasonable for them to expect to be able to take your car while they visit? And if there is a schedule conflict?

Yes. However, if you need the car for work, an appointment, or something important, obviously this takes priority.


6. Would you help with graduate school, law school, medical school, or an MBA if it required you to keep working later than planned? If you do it for one kid, do you need to do it for their younger siblings, too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We paid for their educations and daughters weddings. Now that they are all successful, married and have kids we are quite generous for estate planning purposes. We have also provided bridge loans, with interest. When they were younger we often spoke with them about living below their means, saving and investing and they’ve all been doing that.

My parents did this, too, but they are in the $10m+ estate category, and we are not, so we have to make a different choice. We prioritized paying for our kids' undergrad, but we don't have the assets to do much more. Our kids are good at living within their means, but they angle to spend ours whenever we are together.

And if you are not in that 10M+ estate category, you probably shouldn't pay for graduate school, unless you are able to do so and still save properly for retirement (and LTC)

We did this. We paid for 2 expensive grad programs (kids had some funding but not full tuition). Plus cars, weddings etc. We don’t travel as much as our friends or go out to fancy dinners every week or have luxury cars etc. but we will have plenty to retire on and once school is over our lifestyle will be quite nice. We will retire with 5-6 million at 65.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents retired in their early 50s. They did not pay for any of us to go to grad school, down payments, or IRAs and no cash gifts. What they have given us:
-Their old cars when they were upgrading
-small wedding (less than $10k in 2012)
-for two important trips, they bought our airline tickets and lodging. No meals or extra activities
-childcare twice a week.
It has been very helpful and I hope to do the same.

All very generous things. Especially if that "childcare twice a week" meant you didnt' need to pay for childcare (because cost of 3 days versus 5 is not that different most of the time)

Anonymous wrote:My parents retired in their early 50s. They did not pay for any of us to go to grad school, down payments, or IRAs and no cash gifts. What they have given us:
-Their old cars when they were upgrading
-small wedding (less than $10k in 2012)
-for two important trips, they bought our airline tickets and lodging. No meals or extra activities
-childcare twice a week.
It has been very helpful and I hope to do the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We paid for their educations and daughters weddings. Now that they are all successful, married and have kids we are quite generous for estate planning purposes. We have also provided bridge loans, with interest. When they were younger we often spoke with them about living below their means, saving and investing and they’ve all been doing that.

My parents did this, too, but they are in the $10m+ estate category, and we are not, so we have to make a different choice. We prioritized paying for our kids' undergrad, but we don't have the assets to do much more. Our kids are good at living within their means, but they angle to spend ours whenever we are together.

Anonymous wrote:1.) Already retired at 47. I would not work a day longer for capable young adults. I would help pay grad school loans, but from my investments not my earned income.
'No' to costly wedding. He would never even ask. Courthouse and a dinner is more like him.
2.) There's no spouse.
3.) They live nearby. No need for airplane tickets.
Groceries and meals out are such a small expense. Haven't even thought about them.
4.) I don't vacation with them usually. They are going to EU with relatives. I paid for it as I don't feel like going, but aunt wants to take them. Adult child paid for his EU graduation trip and trip to the beach with friends.
5.) He can take my car and several relatives would let him use their car. Again, not a big deal or cost. Being able to see friends is important.
6.) Again, will help both kids with grad school loans. One went straight into 2nd year of community college and then in state while working. Haven't really had a college expense yet.
Nobody is spending money left and right. I would have asked questions about how to save or invest money if I had posted like you, and not who is paying for what expense.
That said, 'hell no' to 401k for my kids starting out.

Anonymous wrote:We paid for their educations and daughters weddings. Now that they are all successful, married and have kids we are quite generous for estate planning purposes. We have also provided bridge loans, with interest. When they were younger we often spoke with them about living below their means, saving and investing and they’ve all been doing that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's news. Not every parent hands over down payments. We got our first house at ages 34 and 35 after being married 6 years. Saved our own down payment.

OP here. Similar for us. We also help out one set of parents, so we are the sandwich generation. I don't think my spouse will ever be able to retire, as they've enabled the intergenerational dependency. They significantly help their parents, and they are enabling our adult kids. Maybe I'll retire at the traditional age and spend the healthy beginning of my retirement years traveling with friends or solo instead of with my spouse. I do have my own retirement and brokerage account.

I can't imagine paying for my parents (hello years and years and years worth of earning and saving) instead of paying for my kids flights to come visit me. Parents are old enough to fend for themselves, kids just starting out less so.

Anonymous wrote:I would say that whatever you do, attempt to do it fairly for all your kids. My sister is stil resentful about the fact that my brother and I got help with grad school while she chose not to go to grad school. My brother and his wife bled my parents dry for years to the point that my parents were putting off costly and necessary home repairs so they could pay for my brothers' kids private school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cost of living is so high that we've to subsidize young professionally employed adults so they can have similar lifestyle as ours. It looks like we ourselves won't be able to maintain this lifestyle after retirement.

Does this bother you? It bothers me so much I have considered divorcing over it, as I don't know if there is any other path to retirement for me. We have retirement funds which would be enough for 95% of Amerucans to retire comfortably, but DH will never not overspend. First it was on his parents and other housing related stuff we don't actually need, now its still his parents and our adult kids.

Wouldn’t bother me. They are our kids and we love them.

It wouldn’t bother you that you jeopardize your own retirement to subsidize your kids?

I’m not sure you really were responding to what PP was saying.

What does this mean? I’d rather less less comfortably to make sure my kids got a good education through masters. I don’t need trips, a fancy house or things. I what makes me happy is their happiness and success.