I hope to take make my bedroom active again. However, my wife has never shared with me any fantasies, desires or kinks (is that normal?). So I face an uphill battle.

Anonymous wrote:Most dead bedroom are due to men. A lot of men peak sexually too soon. I know we have the super sexual couples on this forum having sex every day or every other day late into their 60s. The truth is they are in the minority. Men don't take care of themselves. They don't eat well. They don't sleep well. They don't manage stress . This neglect has a big impact on sex drive. Once a week becomes once a month, once a month becomes once every other month, then once a year, and then dead bedroom. It does not happen overnight.

Ha, keep telling yourself that. American women are now more obese than men.

I wouldn’t know. We’ve been “active” for over 30 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

If a wife has sex with her husband out of her free will, thats rapey to you? Nobody is talking about forcing her to have sex. You are nuts

And you're a rapist. Telling someone who doesn't want to have sex with you to "take one for the team" and "even if you aren't into it initally, maybe you'll get into it" is rapey. You have no respect for her body, you see her as a series of holes to satisfy you. That's a rapist mentality.

OK but don't complain when he doesn't want to load the dishwasher, take out the trash, or do anything else around the house. His body, his choice, and he's choosing not to do what you want. You must respect his body, he is not your slave.

Are you a child? Loading the dishwasher, taking out the trash or doing anything else around the house is his responsibility because he ALSO LIVES THERE. Wtf man. Are you even married? Or an adult? Sounds like mommy still does all your chores, because this is not a normal, grown up adult male response when responding to a comment about raping women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

If a wife has sex with her husband out of her free will, thats rapey to you? Nobody is talking about forcing her to have sex. You are nuts

And you're a rapist. Telling someone who doesn't want to have sex with you to "take one for the team" and "even if you aren't into it initally, maybe you'll get into it" is rapey. You have no respect for her body, you see her as a series of holes to satisfy you. That's a rapist mentality.

OK but don't complain when he doesn't want to load the dishwasher, take out the trash, or do anything else around the house. His body, his choice, and he's choosing not to do what you want. You must respect his body, he is not your slave.

You think putting his own dirty dishes in the dishwasher is equivalent to rape? Wow. No wonder men are so lonely these days. Stay that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

If a wife has sex with her husband out of her free will, thats rapey to you? Nobody is talking about forcing her to have sex. You are nuts

And you're a rapist. Telling someone who doesn't want to have sex with you to "take one for the team" and "even if you aren't into it initally, maybe you'll get into it" is rapey. You have no respect for her body, you see her as a series of holes to satisfy you. That's a rapist mentality.

OK but don't complain when he doesn't want to load the dishwasher, take out the trash, or do anything else around the house. His body, his choice, and he's choosing not to do what you want. You must respect his body, he is not your slave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

Not if he’s bad at sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

It's not though. It's not a using force or coercion to violate her body situation. I'm pretty sure you're tuned out on the subject and won't listen, but if I am misjudging you, think of it as the dynamic around going for a run. There's all kinds of inertia stopping you from stepping out the door and getting started. Then as you get warmed up, the run feels good. After you're finished, you're really happy you went for a run and wonder why you don't do it more often. (Next day, "ugh, I don't feel like going for a run." Rinse. Repeat.)

Disgusting. So you think if you rape her enough times, she will start to enjoy it? You need to be on a watch list.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

If a wife has sex with her husband out of her free will, thats rapey to you? Nobody is talking about forcing her to have sex. You are nuts

And you're a rapist. Telling someone who doesn't want to have sex with you to "take one for the team" and "even if you aren't into it initally, maybe you'll get into it" is rapey. You have no respect for her body, you see her as a series of holes to satisfy you. That's a rapist mentality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

It's not though. It's not a using force or coercion to violate her body situation. I'm pretty sure you're tuned out on the subject and won't listen, but if I am misjudging you, think of it as the dynamic around going for a run. There's all kinds of inertia stopping you from stepping out the door and getting started. Then as you get warmed up, the run feels good. After you're finished, you're really happy you went for a run and wonder why you don't do it more often. (Next day, "ugh, I don't feel like going for a run." Rinse. Repeat.)

DP here. I think the disconnect in this conversation is the statement / assumption that once they start, she will get into it. I think this is not actually the situation that we are talking about. At least among my (middle aged married) friends, many are like this and they know it and do they DO start “for the team” knowing they will warm up. But there are also some who are not attracted to or sexually satisfied by their DHs for a long list of reasons, and they will NOT get into it and and enjoy it. For those women, this whole attitude of expectation / think of England is a bit rapey.

DP but one correction to your comment: it's usually not about failure to be sexually attracted or satisfied by your partner. It usually doesn't have much to do with your partner at all. It might, but in that case there are probably other issues in the marriage. If the only issue is sex drive, it's most like caused by things other than your partner, just like it is for men -- stress, hormone changes, physical health. When I have dealt with long periods of low sex drive, it has nothing to do with my DH at all. One time it was a medication I was on, more recently it's the combination of hormone shifts in perimenopause combined with high levels of stress that just make we not want to be touched at all. And no, I will not get into it if we just initiate. I don't want to be touched, I just want to go to sleep.

Anonymous wrote:We had a 7-year dead bedroom due to issues on both sides: depression, weight gain, ED, infertility and job/money stresses. Once we started finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel and the issues resolved we slowly found our way back. We have always been best friends and committed to each other, so it was a phase we had to weather through. We’re not swinging from the chandeliers or anything, but we’re both satisfied.

This is encouraging, I feel like DH and I are in this situation. There are no issues with our marriage -- we are committed, we like spending time together, we are still attracted to each other, etc. But we have just never returned to regular sex after having kids. It's like a few times a year, and our youngest is 8. There have been some random resurgences for for short periods of time (like a week or two of regular sex and then back to our usual schedule of no sex for months on end).

The cause is just stress, schedule, some physical and mental health issues (I've had surgery three times in three years -- dealing with the pain prior to surgery and then recovery from surgery is a huge sex life killer, it takes months, and then to go through it and find out 6 months later you need a different surgery for a different problem really sucks). It's a relief to hear others deal with this and find their way back. DH and I are in it for the long haul and glad for it, but we do sometimes wonder if we'll ever be able to have an active sex life again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

It's not though. It's not a using force or coercion to violate her body situation. I'm pretty sure you're tuned out on the subject and won't listen, but if I am misjudging you, think of it as the dynamic around going for a run. There's all kinds of inertia stopping you from stepping out the door and getting started. Then as you get warmed up, the run feels good. After you're finished, you're really happy you went for a run and wonder why you don't do it more often. (Next day, "ugh, I don't feel like going for a run." Rinse. Repeat.)

DP here. I think the disconnect in this conversation is the statement / assumption that once they start, she will get into it. I think this is not actually the situation that we are talking about. At least among my (middle aged married) friends, many are like this and they know it and do they DO start “for the team” knowing they will warm up. But there are also some who are not attracted to or sexually satisfied by their DHs for a long list of reasons, and they will NOT get into it and and enjoy it. For those women, this whole attitude of expectation / think of England is a bit rapey.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Maybe she found it difficult to be attracted to a rapist? Jesus christ."

HaHa. Not only are you ignorant, but very rude also.
A rapist would be having sex. Any normal man would be repulsed at having sex with a woman that didn't desire it. You need to get a life PP

I've asked myself a million times if the tables were turned, what would I be willing to do. I guess one would never know unless put into the situation. I honestly think though that I love her enough that I would've done anything for her pleasure. I still feel that way. I'd take one for the team any time she desired, all without her even knowing of my distaste. That's the real rub, having known her love didn't extend to a little sacrifice.

Aren’t these statements at odds? Any normal man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want it - yet you want your wife to lie back and let you F**k her as a wifely duty. You’re upset she doesn’t let you rape her to satisfy you and you consider that “love”. Were you sexually abused as a child? What kind of person thinks this?

Np. Taking one for the team is not even remotely closed to getting raped. You sound too dense to know the difference. Men and women take one for the team in a marriage when it comes to sex and many other things.

"Taking one for the team" = "I'm not into it, but get it over with"
PP says any man would be disgusted to have sex with a woman who doesn't desire it. So which is it? Does he want a hole to f*** so badly he'll do it if she isn't into it, or does he want to respect her bodily autonomy?

Its not just a woman, its his wife. She may not be into it initially, but once they start doing it, she will get into it and enjoy it.

This is, BY FAR, the most r*pey statement in a thread full of them.

Consider whether you'd say the same thing about your daughter or your mother, and then either re-evaluate your position or tell your wife that you feel this way so that she leaves you to your r*pey beliefs.

It's not though. It's not a using force or coercion to violate her body situation. I'm pretty sure you're tuned out on the subject and won't listen, but if I am misjudging you, think of it as the dynamic around going for a run. There's all kinds of inertia stopping you from stepping out the door and getting started. Then as you get warmed up, the run feels good. After you're finished, you're really happy you went for a run and wonder why you don't do it more often. (Next day, "ugh, I don't feel like going for a run." Rinse. Repeat.)

Anonymous wrote:For those of that have succeed in bringing back from the dead, what were the first couple of steps you took to get it going in the right direction?

I got a mommy makeover for my own self esteem, and that seemed to spur things on his side. Apparently he thought I was preparing to leave.

Anonymous wrote:For those of that have succeed in bringing back from the dead, what were the first couple of steps you took to get it going in the right direction?

Saying I was done/marriage counseling. We had so many problems in the marriage and DH was reticent to fix any of them. He was perfectly happy stewing in his resentment and being miserable to me. Sex was one of our many problems. I couldn’t take it anymore.