Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Anonymous wrote:My mom left my dad when we were 13 to live with her boyfriend. We never heard from her again. Over the years my dad tried to convince her to at least see her for couple of hours but he eventually lost all contact.

My dad raised us and I am surprised we turned out fine. I have been married for 10 years and my brother 12 years.

Humans are complex

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who do that are so in denial that they would never give you a straight answer here. Most won’t even see themselves as having walked away.

This. These are the ones who will swear their crazy wife "turned the kids against him."

My dad walked away (or more accurately, cheated, mom divorced him, we never saw him again).

It is simultaneously true that he was a narcissistic jerk who was in denial about doing anything wrong, and that mom denied him access and turned us against him. (Her rage against him was boundless.)

Both mom and dad were deeply flawed people. As are many people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.

He moved about 10 minutes from me and we do 50/50 custody. I don’t know how he parents (DC is 3, so can’t communicate about xH’s parenting) and I don’t know if he’ll end up bailing like he did on his first two families. It would not surprise me if he did leave (with the first two he moved out of state “for work”), but I do think he’s a better father when he only has to be a father half the time and can spend the rest of the time on his hobbies, which aren’t very compatible with family life.

Even if he does stick around, I know he won’t be contributing to DC’s college fund or leaving any sort of inheritance. He is absolutely terrible with money and convinced his oldest child (23yo) not to go to college because he didn’t want to pay for it, which has of course ruined that child’s life and they bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. He also never paid child support for any of his previous kids, even though he saw them only 1-2 times a year and their moms had full custody.

When younger women ask me for dating advice, I always tell them if a man is an even the slightest bit hesitant at the idea of marriage and kids, dump him. Don’t try to convince him. Don’t issue ultimatums. Don’t believe them when you dump them and they come crawling, swearing they changed their mind. They didn’t. They just don’t want to be alone.

I am so curious how he managed to get you to marry him. Did he just conceal all of this?

Honestly, I'm baffled myself how I fell for it. My self-esteem is great. What I think happened:

1. He actually did years of therapy and knew all the right things to say. I do believe on some level he wanted to change. But all therapy really did was give him a bunch of buzzwords to make it sound like he had changed. However, since he did therapy before we met and throughout the duration of our relationship, I took that as a sign he was committed, was improving, and was serious about me.

2. We had intense physical chemistry. I'm not usually a slave to pheromones or my hormones, but yowza. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced that yourself.

3. We had a ton in common, more than I'd had with anyone prior. We actually made great friends, and everyone always says to marry your best friend.

4. I actually did break up with him multiple times over the fact that I wanted marriage & kids, and he didn't. I'd end things cordially, saying what we wanted wasn't in alignment, he'd come crawling to me a couple weeks/months later saying he'd been reflecting on it, talking to his therapist, etc, and realized he actually did want to get married and have a family. And he *would* follow through on whatever he promised.

I also think a lot is messaging from the media and pop culture that if a man wants you, he will change for you. I've since learned that no, people don't ever actually change. They may try, they may seem to, but you can't undo decades of habits and patterns.

So you never said something like "Okay, if you're so committed to improving, start paying your child support" and then waited to see if he did it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.

The reality is that their subsequent wives - for example, you - pressure them into having kids even though they already had kids and didn't really want more. You knew this, and you did it anyway. You could have found a man who didn't have kids already and genuinely wanted them, but you didn't. What happened to you and your poor kids is 100% on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother did this. And we are all so appalled and mad. It has caused a real issue because he thinks we should be on his side no matter what, and we are not.

In my case, my DH is trying to keep it from my SIL and MIL and I’m sure he will eventually tell them a wild story. They will be on his side no matter what.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.

He moved about 10 minutes from me and we do 50/50 custody. I don’t know how he parents (DC is 3, so can’t communicate about xH’s parenting) and I don’t know if he’ll end up bailing like he did on his first two families. It would not surprise me if he did leave (with the first two he moved out of state “for work”), but I do think he’s a better father when he only has to be a father half the time and can spend the rest of the time on his hobbies, which aren’t very compatible with family life.

Even if he does stick around, I know he won’t be contributing to DC’s college fund or leaving any sort of inheritance. He is absolutely terrible with money and convinced his oldest child (23yo) not to go to college because he didn’t want to pay for it, which has of course ruined that child’s life and they bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. He also never paid child support for any of his previous kids, even though he saw them only 1-2 times a year and their moms had full custody.

When younger women ask me for dating advice, I always tell them if a man is an even the slightest bit hesitant at the idea of marriage and kids, dump him. Don’t try to convince him. Don’t issue ultimatums. Don’t believe them when you dump them and they come crawling, swearing they changed their mind. They didn’t. They just don’t want to be alone.

I am so curious how he managed to get you to marry him. Did he just conceal all of this?

Honestly, I'm baffled myself how I fell for it. My self-esteem is great. What I think happened:

1. He actually did years of therapy and knew all the right things to say. I do believe on some level he wanted to change. But all therapy really did was give him a bunch of buzzwords to make it sound like he had changed. However, since he did therapy before we met and throughout the duration of our relationship, I took that as a sign he was committed, was improving, and was serious about me.

2. We had intense physical chemistry. I'm not usually a slave to pheromones or my hormones, but yowza. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced that yourself.

3. We had a ton in common, more than I'd had with anyone prior. We actually made great friends, and everyone always says to marry your best friend.

4. I actually did break up with him multiple times over the fact that I wanted marriage & kids, and he didn't. I'd end things cordially, saying what we wanted wasn't in alignment, he'd come crawling to me a couple weeks/months later saying he'd been reflecting on it, talking to his therapist, etc, and realized he actually did want to get married and have a family. And he *would* follow through on whatever he promised.

I also think a lot is messaging from the media and pop culture that if a man wants you, he will change for you. I've since learned that no, people don't ever actually change. They may try, they may seem to, but you can't undo decades of habits and patterns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.

The reality is that their subsequent wives - for example, you - pressure them into having kids even though they already had kids and didn't really want more. You knew this, and you did it anyway. You could have found a man who didn't have kids already and genuinely wanted them, but you didn't. What happened to you and your poor kids is 100% on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who do that are so in denial that they would never give you a straight answer here. Most won’t even see themselves as having walked away.

This. These are the ones who will swear their crazy wife "turned the kids against him."

Anonymous wrote:My former husband did this, too. It’s heart breaking for all of us. I know he struggles with it. He says it’s the biggest regret of his life.

I wish men or women who’ve walked away would feel free to talk about it here.

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.

He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.

Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.