Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem, not a work problem. You could easily figure this out with his involvement.

She has both. Even if her DH was a fully present and active parents (in the live software all his children, not just the NT ones), a 3+hour commute 3 days a week is still insane.

I dont think it's that insane. It's not my choice but it definitely happens and people make it work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you move closer to work? I would not commute 90 min per way.

People move all the time for jobs — this seems like an obvious solution. However I strongly suspect that OP wouldn’t be happy in the office three days per week even with a 20-minute commute.

Op here. I think I’d be okay with three days in the office with a shorter commute (especially long term - once my youngest is in prek for example). I’m going to look for jobs with a 20-40 minute commute closer to home. Moving isn’t an option for a multitude of reasons and I have no desire to move closer to where my office is located. A lot of moms work at my office and live in the suburbs and they all have to go in three days a week, so there’s no sympathy and there is resentment for those with remote arrangements (which I get.)

Since one day a week isn’t an option I wanted to gut check that I’m not crazy for feeling this way - that it’s not worth spending the equivalent of an entire work day (9 hours) commuting each week at the expense of being around for my kids, since that is important to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem, not a work problem. You could easily figure this out with his involvement.

She has both. Even if her DH was a fully present and active parents (in the live software all his children, not just the NT ones), a 3+hour commute 3 days a week is still insane.

Anonymous wrote:If you were able to negotiate four days WFH and one in-office day a week, why can’t you do that again?

Anonymous wrote:Quit! put the nanny salary total per year into an investment account and watch them grow.

You will save taxes and of course time with your children which is "priceless"! Childhood is fleeting, you will not regret it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem, not a work problem. You could easily figure this out with his involvement.

She has both. Even if her DH was a fully present and active parents (in the live software all his children, not just the NT ones), a 3+hour commute 3 days a week is still insane.

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem, not a work problem. You could easily figure this out with his involvement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you move closer to work? I would not commute 90 min per way.

People move all the time for jobs — this seems like an obvious solution. However I strongly suspect that OP wouldn’t be happy in the office three days per week even with a 20-minute commute.

Anonymous wrote:Could you move closer to work? I would not commute 90 min per way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped working when I had 3 kids this age. DH earned more, but we don’t have family money.

Where do you live and where is your work and dh’s work?

I would try to work part time and go in one day per week. Or try to get laid off and get severance so you can get a new job. I would look slowly and spend time with the kids.

Op here. Going in one day a week won’t be an option - wasn’t approved. It’s simply three days or bust now. My husbands office is an about an hour commute door to door and he goes in about once a week and works from home the rest of the week. So I either keep doing this job virtually and wait for an exit package in early 2026, or look externally now or then.

If your husband is also fully WFH that should give you a lot more brandwidth. I’m a PP and assumed that you were in a similar position to me (spouse full RTO with long commute) since you didn’t mention your husband once. Is he able to pick up any slack if you are 3 days RTO?

Given his flexibility, the fact that your work is uncompromising about RTO, and that you’ve been given lots of anecdotal info and advice already…this is kind of where you need to sit down together and figure out finances and child rearing priorities.

If you realize from that convo that you need to work then I don’t know why you wouldn’t start looking externally. Doing so will give you a sense of how competitive the market is right now. A lot of employees in DC have been negatively impacted by DOGE and a lot of RIF’d feds are looking for work and even more feds will be looking for work soon because the SC ok’d additional RIFs. There is no reason to think the job market will get better in early 2026.

My husband doesn’t have much flexibility at all (or is unwilling to be flexible) nor does he have any interest in being the default parent. He can do a doctors appointment here and there if a kid is sick and I have a meeting. He works from home but he starts very early and the only benefit is that he is generally done working by 5:15. He is particularly unhelpful with our adhd kid and all of his education falls onto me. He does do fun stuff with the kids after work like playing outside with them and sometimes orders takeout for us. But I’m generally left with all the organization, mental load, meal planning and executing, etc.

Beyond my son’s special needs, I also don’t want to be away from my kids three days a week for 12 hours a day. I just don’t know if that’s an unreasonable stance. Is it just life that most couples are dual working and don’t see their kids during the week? Like when did this become the norm? It’s hard for me to accept that I had more flexibility seven years ago when my first was born than I do now and that the pendulum has swung so far back.

Yes lots of anecdotal info here. Do need to sit down and really discuss with my husband. I really don’t want to do this commute and am having trouble coming to terms with the uncertainty around what comes next. Home with my kids and less money (and more reliance upon my husbands job, which makes me uncomfortable) or more time away from them in an office, potentially pretty far away which feels pretty shitty to me as a parent who really wants to be around.