The best way to make him pay would be to get pregnant and then leave him and then he is on the hook for child support or taking care of a baby/child 50% of the time.

How badly do you want to make him pay?

Anonymous wrote:I am consulting divorce attorneys regarding my impeding divorce from my soon to be ex husband of 11 years. Here are our stats:
Late thirties
My income: 125k
His income: varies since he is self employed for the past 5 years. Some years he has made 300k, the past 2 years he has made 120k-60k, this year he has made 15k so far? He also works part time at a local music store teaching music making $20/hr

We do not have any kids or property as we rent. I have a small 401k of 250k and he has no retirement savings.

I would like to file due to him wasting my time and refusing to grow up and breaking all his vows; serial cheating and alcoholism, gaslighting, refusing to obtain steady employment and work on shared goals.

I am devastated and furious, I thought he could at least pay me to freeze my eggs or I can get some alimony to rebuild my life.

I have met with 3 attorneys and they all recommend a noncontentious divorce that is cheap and quick as we have nothing to fight over and for me to tell him we each walk away with what we have.

I want to make him pay!! But apparently I can't??

I'm so sorry you've had this experience. The best thing for you to do is use whatever influence you still have over him - womanly wiles, as they say - to get him to agree to an uncontested divorce in which you both walk away unencumbered to the other. That is, get him to relinquish any claim to your retirement etc. Depending on your jurisdiction that may not require a knowing waiver - you just get a lawyer to draft the paperwork and present it to him with the request that he look it over, sign it and you both move on. It's his responsibility to get a lawyer to review the dissolution agreement and it sounds like he might be too lazy to do that.

My best advice to you, if you plan to date and look for another committed relationship - you need to have a shorter fuse for ending things when you're being mistreated in so many ways that violate vows and the spirit of marriage. Get into therapy to figure out why you gave this man 11 years of your life, and maybe you might find that moving forward and having a child on your own is the better path than trying to find a solid life partner before having kids. A large majority of men end up sucking in the parenting and life partnering departments anyway once their seduction masks fall aside, and many women find life is much easier as single mothers rather than as single mothers with a grown adult in the house who also demands their care and provides little in return but reasons for resentment.

He should absolute come for half of what you put into your 401k while married.

Anonymous wrote:I am consulting divorce attorneys regarding my impeding divorce from my soon to be ex husband of 11 years. Here are our stats:
Late thirties
My income: 125k
His income: varies since he is self employed for the past 5 years. Some years he has made 300k, the past 2 years he has made 120k-60k, this year he has made 15k so far? He also works part time at a local music store teaching music making $20/hr

We do not have any kids or property as we rent. I have a small 401k of 250k and he has no retirement savings.

I would like to file due to him wasting my time and refusing to grow up and breaking all his vows; serial cheating and alcoholism, gaslighting, refusing to obtain steady employment and work on shared goals.

I am devastated and furious, I thought he could at least pay me to freeze my eggs or I can get some alimony to rebuild my life.

I have met with 3 attorneys and they all recommend a noncontentious divorce that is cheap and quick as we have nothing to fight over and for me to tell him we each walk away with what we have.

I want to make him pay!! But apparently I can't??

Yawn. Another entitled parasite trying to teach divorce like her retirement plan. I feel bad for whoever you sucker into your second marriage.

Anonymous wrote:You should hope he doesn’t get half of your 401k

I was just going to say you may have to pay him. Just divorce him and move on with your life.

Unfortunately you may end up giving this loser alimony. Welcome to the world many divorced men find themselves in. My ex wife was a serial cheater (I blame for forgiving her twice) and she is getting a really good alimony. It pisses me off but not much I can do because we have some very stupid divorce laws in this country

Anonymous wrote:If you keep messing around you’re gonna give him half of whatever you’ve accrued in your 401(k) and alimony so he can get on his feet, it sucks to be gainfully employed when it comes to the dissolution of a marriage. Go easy, make it non-contentious, he can keep his PlayStation and favorite chair and whatever else he wants just get it over with quickly.

This!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is marriage - you plighted your troth to each other and vowed for better or worse.

Which is why we must choose very carefully.

How do you know she vowed this? Not everyone does, you know.

That explains why you are divorced.

There is no revenge in divorce. You can’t make people pay. Believe me: many people have it worse. Fighting with attorneys wastes money you can keep yourself. You really don’t have anything to get from him. He will be entitled to half of the marital portion of retirement if he fights.

Your attorneys are right—best for you to reach an agreeement—or he can get more from you.

-divorced an attorney and had a worse situation than you

Although the reality is that OP isn't going to get anything from fighting here, I do agree with her that it's wrong for her to not get anything to remedy the harm he caused by failing to live up to his obligations as a spouse. My friend was in a similar situation and he did everything imaginable to help his ex get a job after a lay off. Paid for her to go back to college to finish her BA, then a training program for a specific job that she also never finished or did anything with. The law is set up to punish the working spouse for being patient with the useless and/or lazy spouse. If you don't dump the lazy spouse right away, you never get to recoup all the money they didn't contribute to the household. In his case, she received a large inheritance while married but not working and she was able to keep that AND still get alimony from him. She literally ended up with more assets than him after the divorce, but he was paying her alimony. This sort of thing should not be allowed. And yes, OP is in danger of having to pay alimony if she doesn't just walk away quietly while she still can. It is so unfair and sets up terrible incentives for married people. We should encourage the working spouse to be patient and try to make the marriage work.

If you keep messing around you’re gonna give him half of whatever you’ve accrued in your 401(k) and alimony so he can get on his feet, it sucks to be gainfully employed when it comes to the dissolution of a marriage. Go easy, make it non-contentious, he can keep his PlayStation and favorite chair and whatever else he wants just get it over with quickly.

Anonymous wrote:This is marriage - you plighted your troth to each other and vowed for better or worse.

Which is why we must choose very carefully.

How do you know she vowed this? Not everyone does, you know.

This is marriage - you plighted your troth to each other and vowed for better or worse.

Which is why we must choose very carefully.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your lawyers and get a therapist. Divorce actually is not the venue for you to get any emotional satisfaction from your relationship including revenge or compensation. You get what the law provides no more no less.

Best advice I’ve ever seen on DCUM.

I agree. Divorce lawyers aren’t good therapists, but a lot of them will listen to you talk and charge you as much per hour as a top notch private pay therapist.

Are you kidding? Much more than a therapist!

Not that much different. Neither are that great. Go online. Watch videos. Think for yourself. Do meditation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not how it works, OP.

Hope you don’t end up supporting him. Many of my child-free friends have had to pay alimony to the man-children they divorced.

He backed her, why shouldn't she support him now that she's blowing up their steady situation? If the genders were reversed, you would think it was fair.

How did he back her?