Anonymous wrote:I have to say that this woman is me. I have driven my husband crazy with spending and it is hard to express why. In a way it is my way of taking care of the family and also I do have adhd so I it is hard to change behavior. Pretty much impossible. I can do well for
Months but then I wind up running up another few thousand on credit cards just be breathing.
I have to say a few things helped.
1) my husband fully taking charge of the finances — in a Non judgmental way. Really i hate being treated like a child and he doesn’t want to but seriously, i own this fault of
Mine. It is like a disability annd I suck at it and have read the books and gone to therapy and done the work - I can’t manage it and need him to take that over. I suck at it.

2) I need him to keep the bank balance and credit limit low so it rejects me if I spend. This was hard for him to do but seriously I need it.

3) he needs to keep some money separate where I can’t access it. If I see it I will spend it.

4) anti anxiety meds to help me feel less panicky. When I feel like I need to buys something it is a panicky feeling that makes
Me do it. Like “my kid needs this camp. She will fail at life if I don’t sign her up” or “we have to stock up at Costco, what if the apocalypse hits” or whatever.


Reading this makes me seem like a six year old but there you have it. It is a constant struggle.

Anonymous wrote:We had a situation like this, except it was DH who took the pay cut and couldn't come to terms with the reduced spending. He was deeply relieved when I (the SAHM) took over all the finances, bill paying, etc. and put everyone on a budget.

We work through equality by me keeping him informed of the bills, upcoming expenses, etc. and overall financial figures. I keep everything including tax liabilities in a spreadsheet that he can look at any time he wants.

We agreed to a "retirement" amount that will work for us so we can both see how close we are.

Some of this is emotional and avoidance- I know from experience that it's depressing to go from more money to less. It's hard to get onboard with reality and reduced expectations. For this reason, I think you need to talk with your DW and if that doesn't work, I agree that she needs a strict budget-- if she can't adhere to that, then you have a marital problem.