Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t fully drop the rope but you can do WAY less than you’re doing, especially at your HHI.

Start with:

-Rinse for laundry. They pick up and drop off, easy.
-Buy a bunch of disposable plates, bowls, and cutlery, and eat out of that for a while.
-Bring your standards way down. If you’ve got a house cleaner, stop doing any of it. Sheets and towels can be washed monthly. Little kids can be bathed weekly.
-Tell the kids every night when they go to bed that there are toys left out, you’re throwing one away, and mean it.
-Start getting takeout for dinner (delivered) 4 days a week or so, and so insanely simple meals the other days (scrambled eggs on a bagel. Spaghetti with jar sauce. Chicken nuggets. Cereal). Include a side of fruit and an easy veggie (baby carrots, bagged salad, those steam in a bags of mixed veggies) and you’re done.

You’ve gotta find yourself some bandwidth so you can see clearly and then you can figure out longer term solutions.

Wtf wash sheets monthly and bathe kids only weekly? These suggestions are neglectful.

Op you can’t drop the rope. Parent your kids. Hire help. Get it together.

I’m the PP and I think I’m being misread. My suggestion wasn’t to live like this indefinitely. It was to do this short term, so you can get a bit of a mental break, find a little bandwidth, and then work on longer term solutions. There are lots of good suggestions on this list around outsourcing, teaching the kids to do chores and encouraging more independence, considering quitting or rolling back hours, working with your husband to find better balance, hiring a house manager, etc, but someone who is in it up to their eye balls right now doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to do those things. You need a release valve first. That’s what I’m suggestion. Find some space temporarily, get some perspective, then figure out a path forward.

Also, even permanently, nothing here is abusive

No these suggestions are nuts. What kind of household eats on disposable plates? I’m a single mom with full custody and I manage daily bathing and sheets once a week, plus home cooked meals on actual plates. A married mom with a bunch of money should be able to figure out how to run her household effectively and without neglecting her children.

You make 200k a year and your DH is Big Law or similar? Why in the hell don't you have more help? Hire enough housekeeping so that you do no laundry. Get grocery delivery - order it while you are on your phone at some kid activity. Don't do any personal tasks for your DH - He should be handling his own maintenance. Hire someone to drive the kids and cook dinner.

You can afford more help at those income levels.

And your kids do NOT need to be in a ton of activities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t fully drop the rope but you can do WAY less than you’re doing, especially at your HHI.

Start with:

-Rinse for laundry. They pick up and drop off, easy.
-Buy a bunch of disposable plates, bowls, and cutlery, and eat out of that for a while.
-Bring your standards way down. If you’ve got a house cleaner, stop doing any of it. Sheets and towels can be washed monthly. Little kids can be bathed weekly.
-Tell the kids every night when they go to bed that there are toys left out, you’re throwing one away, and mean it.
-Start getting takeout for dinner (delivered) 4 days a week or so, and so insanely simple meals the other days (scrambled eggs on a bagel. Spaghetti with jar sauce. Chicken nuggets. Cereal). Include a side of fruit and an easy veggie (baby carrots, bagged salad, those steam in a bags of mixed veggies) and you’re done.

You’ve gotta find yourself some bandwidth so you can see clearly and then you can figure out longer term solutions.

Wtf wash sheets monthly and bathe kids only weekly? These suggestions are neglectful.

Op you can’t drop the rope. Parent your kids. Hire help. Get it together.

I’m the PP and I think I’m being misread. My suggestion wasn’t to live like this indefinitely. It was to do this short term, so you can get a bit of a mental break, find a little bandwidth, and then work on longer term solutions. There are lots of good suggestions on this list around outsourcing, teaching the kids to do chores and encouraging more independence, considering quitting or rolling back hours, working with your husband to find better balance, hiring a house manager, etc, but someone who is in it up to their eye balls right now doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to do those things. You need a release valve first. That’s what I’m suggestion. Find some space temporarily, get some perspective, then figure out a path forward.

Also, even permanently, nothing here is abusive

I feel like at least half the posters don't get it. OP doesn't want any of the "make them/teach them" suggestions because *those things are harder than just doing it yourself*. If OP had the bandwidth to fully parent and teach them and set up systems to help them learn life skills, she would have the bandwidth to just do it herself. That is why she just wants to stop doing everything and "let them figure it out", because that is what she feels like she can handle.

OP, you cannot just let younger children figure it out on their own. As you have heard from some other posters who had parents/moms like this, it's terrible for the kids and destroys the relationship. For now, you need to hire more help. Outsource as much as you can (like get a housekeeper to clean and shop/meal prep twice a week, hire a driver) and get yourself into therapy. It's weird that you would think it might be ok to just abandon parenting of your kids. My mom basically did that, and she definitely has/had issues.

Once you make some progress with a therapist and have a little breathing room from the additional hired help, you can revisit how best to ensure that your kids start taking on age appropriate chores.

Anonymous wrote:Op - kids are 10 years old and younger. They just don’t care. I have told them to do chores and they do it for a week then quit. They don’t care if they have clean clothes or clean dishes. They don’t care if the house is a mess. I care so I clean and make food.

I don’t actually like much food - I would prefer to never cook another meal for the rest of my life.

Yeah that’s normal for little kids. You have to do things with them and supervise.

But, really you sound depressed and need to get help with that.

You can at18

Get a nanny to do all driving and cook.

It’s not really fair to “drop the rope” without some serious scaffolding of skills. Kids don’t just magically do chores once you show them how. You have to set expectations and build a culture of helping in the whole family.

If your husband makes big money, you can afford more help. I would get an after school babysitter/driver or part-time household help - figure out what is more useful.

They are too young for you to drop the rope but you can change expectations and behaviors.

You have a daily chore list on their door or refrigerator: load/ unload dishwasher, clear table, pack lunch and set breakfast for am, laundry in while bathing on speed wash, then dryer while tv or reading and then fold/ put away. 2-3x a week set 15 min timer and one vacuum, one dusts, takes out trash, wipe bathroom sink.

Hire an organizer ( take a few days off work) and declutter! People have way too much stuff! Be brutal and you will feel so much better about your space.

I help my friends with this and they are so grateful. ( I’m not an organizer I just don’t like clutter and am not overly sentimental). Last day of school..that night…all backpacks, bags of supplies, art, etc. get purged or donated ( if supplies). Do not keep.

Start a meals system and keep to it. Macaroni and cheese with fruit and salad on mo days, tacos on Tuesday’s, chicken tenders with carrot fries on weds, soup and sandwiches or a quiche on Thursday, Friday pizza. My dcs are long grown but these were some of the options when that age. All homemade and easy. Not gourmet but got us through. As they got older their palates evolved and they liked to cook.

You can do this. It just takes more work on your part in the beginning to enforce and stay disciplined. We’ve all been there. Sending you a hug!

If I was your husband I’d hide the rope and anything sharp. He may need to call in an EPO for your safety.

If they don't clean up then throw out stuff on the floor. If it's something they love they can do chores to buy a new one.

De clutter to the point they can't make a mess

Some combination of outsourcing and lower standards is fine OP. My kids eat cereal for breakfast, get school lunch and “insanely easy dinners” are their normal. I make casseroles and better food but they won’t eat it. So a sandwich it is.

I always have fresh fruit and cut up veggies. Done.

Sheets washed every month is not neglect for goodness sake. I’d bathe more often though.

I tell myself “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.” Do something. Don’t live in filth. Be nice to your kids and care about them. That’s enough!

You have a lot of income. Use it. Hire a short term housekeeper and a nanny who can get your household organized and set up routines.
Then you can probably have a twice a week housecleaner and kids cleaning up own clutter.

Anonymous wrote:Op - kids are 10 years old and younger. They just don’t care. I have told them to do chores and they do it for a week then quit. They don’t care if they have clean clothes or clean dishes. They don’t care if the house is a mess. I care so I clean and make food.

I don’t actually like much food - I would prefer to never cook another meal for the rest of my life.

Same, OP!!