Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

This, I don’t call my child adopted. Nor do I refer to myself as such either. Most kids aren’t grateful. They joined our family per our choice. Just like if we had given birth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

ITA. My one kid is my child. They come first in everything. Bio or adopted there is no distinction. We begin and end every day just like any other family, including all the ups & downs.

Anonymous wrote:My sibling adopted a drug-exposed 2.5-year-old little boy from foster care last year after many years of infertility.

I realize a child with his background and neglect comes with challenges. However, my sibling and spouse document all of it on social media, mainly in how they saved the boy and how much better he has it. Every new toy, vacation, and family outing is about how he wouldn’t have this or that if we didn’t save him from his horrible biological family.

This is just a rant but it feels so wrong to me, especially as their son gets older and can read their posts or internalize their commentary. I want to say something. Would that be wrong? It feels almost narcissistic to constantly post and talk about this.

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised they are doing this, considering how much mandatory education stuff surrounding why you shouldn’t do this comes with the territory of fostering to adopt a child. Which means they have been told how they shouldn’t do this by actual experts and are still doing it. Meaning, they aren’t going to listen to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Oh just stop. What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me or anyone else here responding. It's called "coming out of the fog." It's harder for non adoptees to understand, but there's tons of literature on it.

Living in Adoption’s Emotional Aftermath
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/04/10/living-in-adoptions-emotional-aftermath

NP, But thank you PP for posting this. Two of my step brothers were adopted and I’m in the recovery community, and so, so many people there are adoptees. They often were leaving one family of trauma into another one, except that one believed that the adoptee was going to fill that trauma. Many say they had happy childhoods, but felt that the relationship with their adoptive parents was fraught the day they arrived, even if that was at birth. (This is not everyone, but there seems to a common thread).

The parents in OPs situation need some counselling / therapy, but so does their child. They didn’t save him any more than he saved them from their own fears of infertility, and incomplete family, etc. it’s not on him to carry, and they need to see their actual role in his life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Oh just stop. What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me or anyone else here responding. It's called "coming out of the fog." It's harder for non adoptees to understand, but there's tons of literature on it.

Living in Adoption’s Emotional Aftermath
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/04/10/living-in-adoptions-emotional-aftermath

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Oh just stop. What is wrong with you?

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive parent here. I think OP is right in her concerns. I never posted anything difficult about our kids, though there have been difficult times, and I don't think parents (whether through biology or adoption) should be publicly oversharing. I do, however, get a little annoyed with the dramatic pendulum swing in the adoption world paradigms towards no gratitude towards adoptive parents. I do not expect my children to feel grateful that we adopted them. At all. I do, however, feel like any good parents (either biological or adoptive) deserve some gratitude from a child who gets raised in a loving, supportive home. I certainly feel that gratitude towards my own biological parents---who, while not perfect---were pretty darn great, supportive, and loving. When adoptees are told over and over to focus on their grief and loss regarding their biological family, without any concomitant recognition of also having good parents (albeit ones through adoption), it diminishes the adoptive parents. Anyone raised by a supportive loving family should be grateful for that family---far too many people never get that experience in any family situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Sounds like you are 70 years old. This hasn’t been true for several decades.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.

Sounds like you are 70 years old. This hasn’t been true for several decades.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adopted kids are all about the adopters, not the actual adoptees. The kids serve the parents' purpose. This has been going fof decades and decades. Nothing new. This child is one big virtue signal and, in this case, if he ever doesn't need anything overtly, he will be failing them.
Signed,
Baby Scoop Era Adoptee

This is not exclusive to adoptive parents. Some parents also make their biological children all about themselves. It is especially common with people who have narcissistic personality traits.

Sure! But not all parents are narcissists, including adoptive parents. But, in the world of adoption, society has supported the adoptive parents as saviors, and the child needing saving. The child serves the parents as a commodity, relinquishing identity and birth story to the parent's narrative, whatever that may be. The entire paradigm is flipped has been flipped backwards. Adoption should be child centered.