Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think it's a bit petulant and immature when grown adult parents expect their children to look after their emotions. You should have the emotional maturity to not project so much meaning on an Easter text message... or to be the one to shoot the first text if it matters so much to you.

She can probably feel the weight of her mom pinning so much resentment and attention on her and it makes her unconsciously want to pull away, because she knows it's not healthy and is dysfunctional.

Why is it unreasonable to expect a relationship between two adults to be reciprocal?

NP. It is never reasonable to expect another adult to reciprocate in exactly the way you want them to. If they do, great. If they don’t, also fine.

Well, no. If they don't, it is OK to be disappointed.

“Exactly the way you want them to” is the key phrase. OP sent a card. Her daughter doesn’t necessarily know what she’s expected to do next. If OP wanted a text or a phone call, she should have texted or called.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think it's a bit petulant and immature when grown adult parents expect their children to look after their emotions. You should have the emotional maturity to not project so much meaning on an Easter text message... or to be the one to shoot the first text if it matters so much to you.

She can probably feel the weight of her mom pinning so much resentment and attention on her and it makes her unconsciously want to pull away, because she knows it's not healthy and is dysfunctional.

Why is it unreasonable to expect a relationship between two adults to be reciprocal?

NP. It is never reasonable to expect another adult to reciprocate in exactly the way you want them to. If they do, great. If they don’t, also fine.

Well, no. If they don't, it is OK to be disappointed.

Anonymous wrote:Your child owes you absolutely nothing, OP. You owe yourself and your daughter therapy so you stop placing your emotional baggage on her. Find your own partner and friends. I truly cannot believe you are blaming your loneliness on her.

You get the relationship you create with your children. It is EXCEEDINGLY RARE for a child to stop contact without a valid reason.

My mother is like you. She doesn't speak to us or care at all unless it's a holiday. And then we're supposed to bend over backwards for her and her expectations. She has NEVER spent time with her grandchildren. EVER. Yet we're supposed to do what she says for a performance? Some pictures?? Absolutely not.

You need to ask yourself why you're alone. Leave your daughter out of it.

I just don't buy that with 30% of young adults cutting off a parent. I don't believe that 30% of parents are so awful that they should be excised from the life of ACs. Absolutely there are valid reasons, but too many people jump into it.

Anonymous wrote:Your child owes you absolutely nothing, OP. You owe yourself and your daughter therapy so you stop placing your emotional baggage on her. Find your own partner and friends. I truly cannot believe you are blaming your loneliness on her.

You get the relationship you create with your children. It is EXCEEDINGLY RARE for a child to stop contact without a valid reason.

My mother is like you. She doesn't speak to us or care at all unless it's a holiday. And then we're supposed to bend over backwards for her and her expectations. She has NEVER spent time with her grandchildren. EVER. Yet we're supposed to do what she says for a performance? Some pictures?? Absolutely not.

You need to ask yourself why you're alone. Leave your daughter out of it.

Yep. And so much of it is just performative respect. You can see the OP here has ZERO curiosity as to why her daughter might not have called- whether it's because she's busy with a new, fun romance in her life, or because she's upset with OP, or because she's caught up with work, traveling, etc. OP doesnt give a s**t, which is why she hasnt asked any questions about it, she just wants her daughter to performatively kiss the ring and call/text her so she can feel important. It's not about any genuine love, concern, or respect she has for her daughter, and all about an entitlement to her time and attention.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think it's a bit petulant and immature when grown adult parents expect their children to look after their emotions. You should have the emotional maturity to not project so much meaning on an Easter text message... or to be the one to shoot the first text if it matters so much to you.

She can probably feel the weight of her mom pinning so much resentment and attention on her and it makes her unconsciously want to pull away, because she knows it's not healthy and is dysfunctional.

It didn’t take long for an a-hole to pipe in because a parent expects a level of humanity from their offspring. No wonder everyone is so drugged up just to get through their day.

OP, the only a-hole here is YOU. Stop acting like your daughter "lacks humanity" because she doesnt want to deal with your entitled, draining, grating self. There is a reason she and everyone else avoided you on Easter and it has everything to do with your own lack of humanity or respect for others.

This has little to do with a missed holiday greeting and more to do with the relationship overall. If you had a great relationship with your daughter and she forgot to call yesterday, you wouldn’t have cared.

Your child owes you absolutely nothing, OP. You owe yourself and your daughter therapy so you stop placing your emotional baggage on her. Find your own partner and friends. I truly cannot believe you are blaming your loneliness on her.

You get the relationship you create with your children. It is EXCEEDINGLY RARE for a child to stop contact without a valid reason.

My mother is like you. She doesn't speak to us or care at all unless it's a holiday. And then we're supposed to bend over backwards for her and her expectations. She has NEVER spent time with her grandchildren. EVER. Yet we're supposed to do what she says for a performance? Some pictures?? Absolutely not.

You need to ask yourself why you're alone. Leave your daughter out of it.

Why didn't you just call her to say Happy Easter? The I mailed a card, but I expect a phone call rubs me the wrong way. I boomer expectation that they don't call their kids, but wait pissed off for the phone calls.

It was Easter yesterday, not her birthday or Mother’s Day. When I was a young adult without kids of my own, Easter was another day. I did nothing to celebrate it or acknowledge it. It didn’t even cross my mind. I had very special memories of it growing up because it involved hiding eggs, finding baskets, and lots of candy. I now acknowledge Easter because I have kids and it’s a holiday that is fun for kids. It has no religious significance to me.

It says a lot about the OP that she expects someone else to fulfill her emotional needs. This is not about reciprocity. This is the OP being disappointed because her adult child isn’t living her life according to the OP’s values around Easter and how she thinks it should be acknowledged. This type of behavior breeds resentment. Just accept that Easter is not a big deal for your adult child. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a mix of annoying and hurtful that my 20 something daughter can’t even take a minute to send me a text acknowledging Easter (let alone an actual phone call).

She knows I am alone.

When I think of the hours and days I spent making every holiday happy and memorable throughout her childhood, I am so disappointed.

(And before you ask, I mailed her a card last week,after she declined more traditional gestures.)

I’m sorry you’re hurt, OP. But, ugh, I read the bolded and just feel crushed by the weight of your martyrdom on behalf of your daughter. Note to all parents of young children: do these things if you enjoy them, not in expectation of some sort of payback.

Spoken like a true American. Your family clearly has been here many, many decades for you to be so disrespectful. There is nothing wrong with having an expectation that your child would offer you a text on a holiday. If
Ts not like she asked for dinner or a card. Give me a break.

Exactly this. These people can put on a good act but they have zero empathy as a natural state of existing

Anonymous wrote:I really think it's a bit petulant and immature when grown adult parents expect their children to look after their emotions. You should have the emotional maturity to not project so much meaning on an Easter text message... or to be the one to shoot the first text if it matters so much to you.

She can probably feel the weight of her mom pinning so much resentment and attention on her and it makes her unconsciously want to pull away, because she knows it's not healthy and is dysfunctional.

It didn’t take long for an a-hole to pipe in because a parent expects a level of humanity from their offspring. No wonder everyone is so drugged up just to get through their day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, without any proper education and guidance, parents just wing it. Obviously, their own upbringing, nature, mental health, circumstances, marriage, finances etc play a part as well. Every parent makes mistakes, some more others less. Some adult children repeat mistakes they resented while some learn and do better with their children.

Definitely. But then maybe be honest with yourself about the mistakes you made rather than knowing you messed up and pressuring your kids to squash down their own traumas/reactions to your poor parenting and tolerate you regardless. It is so incredibly childish, entitled and damaging to demand your children text you and turn it into some kind of standoff test of their character. Maybe prioritize your child's mental health and well being for once in your life?

Demand?

Do you always opt for hyperbole?

Do you always opt for ignoring what was said in order to make yourself into some kind of victim?

Geez, no wonder your child is exhausted and wants nothing to do with you, and no one else does either. Enjoy your loneliness- you earned it, baby.

I went to dinner with my mom tonight. I called her later to be sure she got home. She said I was the last number on her caller id from yesterday. The world is just a colder place unfortunately

OP, I am a 49 y.o. woman who forgot to call her parents today. I don't celebrate Easter anymore, so it truly just slipped my mind. I always call my parents on Mondays and I was super busy this weekend and a friend dropped by this afternoon, and I just forgot. 😞

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent-Adult child relationships are complex as once they don't need anything from you, many tend to feel like they don't have to be reciprocal or even thoughtful and courteous.

That being said, OP doesn't need to take it personally. Sometimes it feels like this is our society's way to treat parents. Once you don't have a use for them, blame and shame so you can abandon them in a guilt free manner.

Your first paragraph is what shocks me.

I did not care for my child to cash in on rewards later in life, but I did think she would organically learn what it looks like to love another human.

Did you do any reflection about what caused her to "fail to learn to love" or to not feel said love towards you? Any self reflection at all, as the one who raised her?

It could well be related to what she experienced before she was adopted, but you are so quick to jump on the narcissistic parent bandwagon that you have no interest in unpacking the complexity of individual’s lived experiences.

Is this OP? Is she the one with the adopted child? If so, why wasn’t that in the initial post?