Anonymous wrote:I think the main reason that women stay w/a cheating spouse do so because they are afraid of being alone.
They may try to appear noble by claiming they are staying for the sake of their children + finances but the truth of the matter clearly is they are afraid of being by themselves.

I agree w/you.
Being alone is so much better than being w/someone that doesn’t make you happy, someone who has the ability to make you miserable.

Life is much too short to spend your days unhappy w/the status quo if that status quo strays from your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some women are happy to let another women do the things they no longer want to do if it doesn't affect their marriage otherwise. It's that simple.

If it were only that easy. Rarely does cheating only take up one area of someone's life. Often lying, stealing money, diseases, bad decisions for the family, etc. It's wishful thinking that all you will have to deal with is shared sex.

Anonymous wrote:I think some women are happy to let another women do the things they no longer want to do if it doesn't affect their marriage otherwise. It's that simple.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a million different reasons and many go onto have great lives and marriages. Everyone’s circumstances and families and relationships may differ. Not every cheater is evil or no longer trust worthy and not every betrayed wife is weak or doesn’t have a career. For many they take a long hard look at their kids and future and past as well. Another pp spelled it out well a few posts above. Many have built something very great together and someone’s temporary midlife crisis isn’t enough to change the trajectory of the family. There usually was lots of love and strong foundation first.

Exactly - life is long. Marriages are complicated - long term marriages even more so there is little place for black and white thinking as most marriages 20 years plus endure many seasons - for me it came down to my own views of commitment which include (we may completely f up and that may be part of our story but if we are willing to learn and grow from it and be clear on our values going forward we can continue)

Anonymous wrote:Why do women stay after their husbands affair(s)? If my wife were to have an affair no second change and she knows it too. I have been faithful for 20 years and will continue to do so for.another 20 years or longer. Yet on this forum I see women after women day after day give all kind of excuses and reasons for staying with a man who cheated on them. Is it the fear of being alone? I hope not because being alone for the next 50 years is far better than sharing the same bed, bodily fluids etc with someone who betrayed you.

Maybe I am different from other men, but I think most men would leave after the first affair.

Anonymous wrote:After reading some of these responses I see why men cheat. There are no consequences.

Anonymous wrote:It’s tough to survive alone as a woman in this world. Women understand it. That’s why they will fight more to stay in relationships.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll tell you my perspective, as someone who left a cheater:

A) The devastation and betrayal was and is something that changed me on a cellular level. It changed my worldview forever.

B) There was no way I would ever have been able to love my spouse the way I had.

That said, MOST people in my life encouraged me to stay with my former spouse. I was told that people make mistakes blah blah blah. We had a toddler and I was pregnant when I found out. I left when my new baby was six months old.

The fallout was horrific and I am truly traumatized by the process of divorce. My former spouse further financially abused me and used his (then) superior financial position to humiliate me and take advantage of my vulnerability, particularly in the court system which rewards the party with more money by default.

He got custody. I got no retirement etc in the divorce and lost every single proceeding. I filed bankruptcy. I am STILL paying for his sins/the dissolution of our marriage and we separated eight years ago.

Logistically and otherwise, I DO understand why people stay. My tale is an example of everything that could have gone wrong, going wrong. But I definitely could not stay.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. As a lower earner and primary parent myself can you say more about why the system rewards the party with money? Is it be because they can sink that money in lawyer fees and afford a drawn out battle? Or is it because courts view them as better able to provide for the kids?

IMO it’s an unintended consequence of the system. My exH would constantly file extensions etc which meant we both had to keep sinking legal fees into the process. His lawyer was a bully (and very effective). It was the singular worst experience of my life. I had been a SAHM and didn’t make much when we divorced (five years ago) and I borrowed, went into CC debt, spent any and all cash on hand to pay my lawyer all to lose. It was incredibly demoralizing and I have close to no faith in the “justice” system now based on my experience.

Anonymous wrote:For a million different reasons and many go onto have great lives and marriages. Everyone’s circumstances and families and relationships may differ. Not every cheater is evil or no longer trust worthy and not every betrayed wife is weak or doesn’t have a career. For many they take a long hard look at their kids and future and past as well. Another pp spelled it out well a few posts above. Many have built something very great together and someone’s temporary midlife crisis isn’t enough to change the trajectory of the family. There usually was lots of love and strong foundation first.