Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that you don’t want him to go, or that you’re mad that he can go wherever whenever because you make it work and he couldn’t/wouldn’t if the tables were turned? Because if it’s the latter, you should tell him you’re delighted for him to have this great opportunity with his friends, but you realized that you’re feeling kind of resentful because it’s not possible for you to do the same kind of thing and you would like to think about ways of changing things going forward. In my marriage things are set up DH can do that and I can’t and we both recognize that, and he is grateful that I am taking that hit to enable him to do what he needs and/or wants to do. The recognition and gratitude go a long way.

But that would require OP to use her words and tell her husband how she feels instead of just stewing and posting about it on an anonymous internet forum. If she discusses it with him and things get better then what would she do with her time?

Was that unnecessarily harsh? Probably. But as a woman who has fought at all her jobs for equal treatment/pay and refused to be treated differently because I'm a woman, I'm so sick of listening to all these women complain and then do NOTHING about it.

Glad all the men in your life have responded positively to you standing up for yourself, but did you ever think that we haven’t progressed very far in terms of equality not because of other women not fighting hard enough but because of men refusing to cede power? Get back to me when you’ve had an obligation, your DH has an obligation, and rather than sitting down and compromising on schedules and coverage, he just leaves at 5 am so you’re stuck holding the bag. Or another man on your team just doesn’t finish his slides because he knows you’re the one taking the presentation to a client the next day so you’ll look bad, not him. You have NO idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Do you really though, or are you putting that on yourself?
Just tell him you would like to take a similar weekend away yourself. Ask him if weekend A or B would be better but leave him to figure out how to make it work as he did for you. He can take vacation day, arrange a sitter, get his parents to come visit.. not your problem. You might be surprised that he can rise to the challenge. If he can't, then it's time for a conversation about your need for some time to do fun things and fairness.
Similarly, if what you want is a weekend away together, tell him that! "I think it's great that you are able to get away with friends - but really would love if we could figure out a way to make it work so we could do something like that together. Can we brainstorm together on whether there's a way we could pull that off?

FWIW my own husband has figured out how to handle me being away for a week when our kids were one and two and two weeks when they were 6 and 7. He took the lead on figuring out childcare, arranging time off work, planning fun adventures. He regularly encourages me to go on trips with friends.

I agree with others that his request is totally reasonable (unless you have infant triplets or something) and that your marriage will be better for making good things happen for each other if he's not trying to run off every weekend. Instead of saying No to him, articulate what you want yourself and work with him to make it happen. You come across as being a bit petty and not wanting him to have fun if you cannot and a bit martyr-ish in assuming that he can't do the same for you.

Dear god, do you really talk like that? He just announces that he will be gone and expects her to deal, no discussion. But she's supposed to be like oh sweetie pie, I would so love it if you would indulge me in just one little weekend. Of course I adore your travel! But let's pretty please find a way for me to have a tiny bit of what you're demanding of me. Sincerely your submissive wife who has to tiptoe around you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really discouraging to see all the posters blaming OP for having a husband who dumps the mental load on her.

OP, go get a copy of All the Rage. This is messed up (and too familiar)

At a certain point, OP has to take some of the blame though. She stays quiet in her resentment about the situation instead of communicating the issues . That's on her. Is most of the blame on her husband? Yes. But she needs to communicate how she feels

Anonymous wrote:Really discouraging to see all the posters blaming OP for having a husband who dumps the mental load on her.

OP, go get a copy of All the Rage. This is messed up (and too familiar)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Do you really though, or are you putting that on yourself?
Just tell him you would like to take a similar weekend away yourself. Ask him if weekend A or B would be better but leave him to figure out how to make it work as he did for you. He can take vacation day, arrange a sitter, get his parents to come visit.. not your problem. You might be surprised that he can rise to the challenge. If he can't, then it's time for a conversation about your need for some time to do fun things and fairness.
Similarly, if what you want is a weekend away together, tell him that! "I think it's great that you are able to get away with friends - but really would love if we could figure out a way to make it work so we could do something like that together. Can we brainstorm together on whether there's a way we could pull that off?

FWIW my own husband has figured out how to handle me being away for a week when our kids were one and two and two weeks when they were 6 and 7. He took the lead on figuring out childcare, arranging time off work, planning fun adventures. He regularly encourages me to go on trips with friends.

I agree with others that his request is totally reasonable (unless you have infant triplets or something) and that your marriage will be better for making good things happen for each other if he's not trying to run off every weekend. Instead of saying No to him, articulate what you want yourself and work with him to make it happen. You come across as being a bit petty and not wanting him to have fun if you cannot and a bit martyr-ish in assuming that he can't do the same for you.