Anonymous wrote:OP here- it went as well as it could, which is well overall.
FIL, SIL, DH and caregiver (since Oct 2023) took MIL to facility for another "lunch." Once they arrived, MIL was taken to participate in an activity in another area (this place has activities every 30 mins from 8 am breakfast to 8 pm evening prayer time)
This gave DH and the rest time to go put more items in MIL's new room.
Lunch time and they all sat together for the meal. One by one, they excused themselves gradually from the table. The only one left with MIL was her caregiver, Then, two aides came to table, one to tell caregiver she was needed elsewhere and the other to sit with MIL. And that was the drop off. Lots of redirection and distraction.
FIL called director this morning and MIL did have a rough night but eventually slept. Initially didn't want to go to breakfast but did, and ate. Didn't want to join in morning activity so aide sat with her in main area and they watched a movie. She may have joined the walking club for a stroll afterwards.
So, a slightly bumpy transition but these folks know what they are doing. We are looking forward to seeing her in her new place when it is the best time for her. We don't want to do anything to upset her, because she is in a great place. It is the best of a sad situation (dementia.)
Thanks for all the well wishes and info here!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.
They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.
Let me guess -- you're someone who will keep correcting their parent with dementia, and making sure they understand exactly the truth of what is going on. Because that's what good people do, instead of any shade of lying.
My 90 year old mother thinks her brother, who died when I was in high school, is still alive. I tried to correct her once and she cried as though he had just died that day. By this logic, not lying to her, should I keep correcting her when she asks when Arnold is coming to visit by saying "Oh, he isn't. He's dead." We usually just say "In a little while, he's having car trouble." It seems like lying to her is a lot less cruel than telling her every fifteen minutes that her brother is dead.
Anonymous wrote:You would never leave your young child in a place that didn't allow you to check on them at will. Why would you leave an equally vulnerable elder with no checks for a week?
I have seen amazing care in relatively spartan SNFs with a lot of medicaid beds, and I've seen bad stuff in very pricey facilities, and the other way around. It doesn't matter how good you think they are, or how good they were last month. Things change. Someone needs to be watching carefully, because unfortunately you just cannot trust "the facility."
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:No contact for a week is pretty standard. I am wondering if the people reacting like this is the most cruel thing ever have received or acted on this advice before?
What is actually cruel is to do is to string someone along who is adjusting and force them to re-start every day or half day. A week allows them to adjust to a new normal and acclimate to what is NOW their LIFE in a healthy and real way.
It's like if you have a kindergartener who didn't like being at kindergarten all day. The school would not let you go visit twice a day because...every day would be a miserable re-start and would hamper their adjustment and affect other kids. Same for residents.
If she is adjusting well, believe me, no one will bar you from entry or discourage you from visiting. They just want you to prepare for being a cooperative partner in her care by employing this best practice that is difficult but ultimately, humane, and it works.
Best of luck, OP. They will likely have her pretend she works there in some capacity, give her jobs to do. It's actually a really fortunate set up that she's old hat. They know her history, right?
Thank you for providing the alternative perspective. I don't know if I agree, but, I do understand a bit better. I don't think it is quite like Kindergarten because you are not lying to kids.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some yes, some no. No contact for a week is cruel.
That would be a huge red flag to me. I have never encountered that and would not choose a facility that wanted that.
Agree, what will they be doing that they don’t want you to see? Ignoring her until she is complacent? Memory care should welcome visitors as it brightens up the place. My mom’s memory care - they loved seeing family visit as much as possible.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.
They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.
What they “know” is that witnesses are troublesome. Anybody who wants to control a helpless individual, young or old, by getting them out of the sight of family members, is acting for their own benefit, not the benefit of the helpless person.
Anonymous wrote:I would let father-in-law tell her what he wants to tell her. They have been married for decades.
I would not want a family member in a facility in which the family was not told to visit for a week.
Understand memory care is essentially a lockdown facility like prison.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.
They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.
Let me guess -- you're someone who will keep correcting their parent with dementia, and making sure they understand exactly the truth of what is going on. Because that's what good people do, instead of any shade of lying.
My 90 year old mother thinks her brother, who died when I was in high school, is still alive. I tried to correct her once and she cried as though he had just died that day. By this logic, not lying to her, should I keep correcting her when she asks when Arnold is coming to visit by saying "Oh, he isn't. He's dead." We usually just say "In a little while, he's having car trouble." It seems like lying to her is a lot less cruel than telling her every fifteen minutes that her brother is dead.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:They know what typically works for most and what helps the transition go more smoothly. They also know many will be unable to heed the advise, and make the transition much more difficult for all involved.
They're trying to make their own jobs easier by lying to a patient. It's deeply unethical. There's no way I would lie to my loved one, even if she had dementia. I would also visit as I felt necessary. I would start my regular, planned visitation schedule and get into a routine.
Let me guess -- you're someone who will keep correcting their parent with dementia, and making sure they understand exactly the truth of what is going on. Because that's what good people do, instead of any shade of lying.