My Mother only saw her Mom who lived to 90 four times after she turned 24. She moved to American and expensive to fly.

My GrandAunt who died at 104 in 2022 went off to full time to work as a mothers helper in Ireland at age of 8, then a nanny, them to off to America before WWII started. I say she saw her mom maybe twice from the age of 8 till she died. Money was very very tight, they could not afford her and only sons were of real used on a Farm where there was not enough food to eat.

Used to be very common not to see your kids more than a handful of times as an adult.

I would say that hours-long live video calls are a pretty good substitute for in-person convos.

And so I'd be upset I had only a few months to live.

Our kids want us to live with them when we retire. They are in college. We will buy homes together with both our kids wherever they are settled. The home will have a separate unit for us. Our name will be on the deed. We will stay with them for 3 months at a time.

Other family members have done that too very successfully. In fact, it has allowed the younger generation to afford large homes in expensive places with good school pyramids that they could not have on their own. Also, grandparents are able to help out with grandkids allowing the AC to concentrate in career and acquiring skills.

My mom when she was alive would say she was really grateful to live within minutes of all her children and grandchildren. She said she couldn’t understand her friends who moved away from them intentionally. But of course children can also be the ones who move away. I hope mine will stay close but there are no guarantees. It’s often not possible to pick up and move to be near one child without being far from another otherwise I’d say my plan would be to pick up and follow. And what if your child moves every few years? I hope I’m never too far to visit at least monthly. My in-laws live in AZ and we see them once every few years which seems to be mutually acceptable to them and DH who for reasons I don’t understand aren’t emotionally close.

Anonymous wrote:I would move near my kids.

My parents had two kids and they migrate between our states (17 hours apart) every 3 months. I can’t imagine life without my kids and future grandkids, and luckily my parents felt the same. During crises (dh and I returning to work full time this past spring), they were able to be there for us. We help them as well.

That’s what I hope to do when my 2 kids are adults as well. My own parents, however, would never do this. They are healthy and wealthy and retired and yet choose to stay in their large house in a city far away from all 3 of their adult kids and all of their grandkids. They don’t have any relatives or even any friends or connections really where they live so literally nothing keeping them there except familiarity. I find it sad that they don’t have personal family or friend connections where they live.

I would move near my kids.

My parents had two kids and they migrate between our states (17 hours apart) every 3 months. I can’t imagine life without my kids and future grandkids, and luckily my parents felt the same. During crises (dh and I returning to work full time this past spring), they were able to be there for us. We help them as well.

Anonymous wrote:Children should make the effort to see you.

Depends.if parents are unhealthy and unable to travel, yeah adult kids should come to them. But Typically the adult offspring have young kids, less money, and much less time off work compared to the parents. Typically 60+ parents are retired and have few obligations and typically more money, all of which makes it easier for them to be the ones to travel or move to be closeR to their adult kids.

Anonymous wrote:My father lives across the country and I assure you that he does not care. He views me as an obligation. If I don't call him, he'll call me once every 2-3 weeks for us to have a stilted conversation mostly about what we are watching or reading. I try to get him to NOT tell me how he did a load of sheets and towels and is going to the grocery store tomorrow after he vacuums.

I’m 100% estranged from my mother. We haven’t spoken in three years and I never plan on speaking to her again nor allowing her to see my children.

My father (who is not with my mother) was never close to me or my brother and he never calls either one of us. He will text before his once a year visit. I won’t visit him because he has a hoarding disease.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ To add to the OP's original hypothetical question, how about posing one to adult kids:

If you knew you would only see your mother/father 15 more times before they die, what would you do differently?

I can answer this since my mom is deceased and I knew the clock was ticking the last 9 months of her life. She had serious health problems due to cancer the last three years of her life. The cancer caused a stroke that almost killed her. After that I realized that any time I talked to her could be the last so I always tried to have a positive interaction and end things on a good note. Because of this I have very few regrets about our relationship even though it was not always smooth.

You are wise and compassionate

Anonymous wrote:^ To add to the OP's original hypothetical question, how about posing one to adult kids:

If you knew you would only see your mother/father 15 more times before they die, what would you do differently?

I can answer this since my mom us deceased and I knew the clock was ticking the last 9 months of her life. She had serious health problems due to cancer the last three years of her life. The cancer caused a stroke that almost killed her. After that I realized that any time I talked to her could be the last so I always tried to have a positive interaction and end things on a good note. Because of this I have very few regrets about our relationship even though it was not always smooth.

Anonymous wrote:My father lives across the country and I assure you that he does not care. He views me as an obligation. If I don't call him, he'll call me once every 2-3 weeks for us to have a stilted conversation mostly about what we are watching or reading. I try to get him to NOT tell me how he did a load of sheets and towels and is going to the grocery store tomorrow after he vacuums.

You're the problem. Gross.

Anonymous wrote:If you are 60+ and live in another state and meet every year, you are probably going to meet them 15 times, if twice a year than probably 30 more meetups before you die. Even that's not a given. Let that thought sink in. What would you do to make the most of it?

that's why i'm moving to wherever my kids settle.

Anonymous wrote:Children should make the effort to see you.

Maybe you should get your lazy butt out of your recliner, turn off Fox News, and see your family.