Anonymous wrote:No. I deliberately avoid any comments on physical appearance, positive or negative. I also only speak about clothes in terms of color, texture, pattern, utility, not how they appear on the body. My mother is a narcissist and was obsessed with how she and I looked. I don’t want that for my kids, especially not my daughter. I don’t wear make up, never talk negatively about my appearance or that of others, and dress functionally/plainly to try to set a good example.

I'm sorry for what you went through with your mother, but you might want to rethink your stance a little because this approach is also damaging.

I do now for teen DD because she was having some self esteem issues. She actually is pretty. I've had people say that to me, and I would tell them to not say it in front of DD because I did not want her to focus on looks.

But, then when she started having some self esteem issues around her appearance I told her that a lot of people think she's pretty but I tell them to not say anything in front of her. She didn't believe me. Then we went to a foreign country, and people just kept telling me (I speak that language) how pretty she is, and when DD would ask what they were saying (because she knew they were talking about her), I told her what they said.

She has a better self esteem now, but I remind her, a lot, that beauty is fleeting, and to focus on your achievements, not your looks.

But, she's a teen so she does spend a lot of time in front of the mirror. Her grades and SAT score are above average, at least.

Anonymous wrote:Yes I believe that children need to hear their parents find them beautiful, among other things. If they never hear it from their parents (even when well intentioned), they may wonder if it’s because they aren’t beautiful. Ask me how I know.

Nasty ass

Yes I believe that children need to hear their parents find them beautiful, among other things. If they never hear it from their parents (even when well intentioned), they may wonder if it’s because they aren’t beautiful. Ask me how I know.

Always

My kid has a face online mother would love

My DS and DD are beautiful/handsome/cute (I don't care if you agree) and I tell them. I've know way more people (primarily women) that didn't view themselves as beautiful (even if they were) than people that were arrogant about their looks or weaponized their beauty to purposely not communicate that to my kids.

My kids are attractive enough that they hear it from strangers regularly when we're out so it doesn't make sense to ignore it. I also compliment their effort, school performance, and kindness. I don't compliment their sports performance because they're lazy LOL.

I also tell them cute/beauty isn't enough or the most important thing and to focus on being a kind person/good friend.

I call both my boys 'gorgeous', and sometimes say they look handsome. I would guess if they were girls - I probably wouldn't. I also praise their effort over their grades, because they do well despite less than stellar effort at times.

We never focus on appearance, other than wear clean clothes, wear nothing offensive, and daily bathing.

We do praise them for getting school work done, for trying their best, and for being smart.

I think it depends on how beautiful the child is...

That may sound ridiculous, but I would refrain from telling a girl who is a 9 or 10 for looks she is beautiful. She knows it. All too often, it's all OTHER people focus on. The truly outstandingly beautiful child needs to have her parents praise her other positive attributes--you're kind, you're such a wonderful big sister to your siblings (if that's true), you've got a great sense of humour, etc.

I had a friend whose daughter at 20 was stunningly beautiful. She was stopped from taking a box cutter to slice her face. She wanted not to be beautiful anymore. She was so tired of people noticing her for her physical appearance and nothing else. She said "Why can't anyone, even my grandmother, say anything nice about me except I'm beautiful? Why can't a guy be interested in me because he likes my personality?"

I know it sounds silly but being extremely beautiful can be a bit of a curse.

On the ot

I have boys and I call them beautiful, among other positive phrases. They're darling, beautiful souls.

Anonymous wrote:Yes I say they are beautiful and clever and funny and that I love them all the time.

I'm their cheerleader! I don't hyperfixate on bodies, but they are beautiful to me and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that. It just shouldn't be paired with comments on their body etc.

I am like you. Because they are beautiful regardless of how they actually look.

Yes I say they are beautiful and clever and funny and that I love them all the time.

I'm their cheerleader! I don't hyperfixate on bodies, but they are beautiful to me and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that. It just shouldn't be paired with comments on their body etc.

Of course.

No. I deliberately avoid any comments on physical appearance, positive or negative. I also only speak about clothes in terms of color, texture, pattern, utility, not how they appear on the body. My mother is a narcissist and was obsessed with how she and I looked. I don’t want that for my kids, especially not my daughter. I don’t wear make up, never talk negatively about my appearance or that of others, and dress functionally/plainly to try to set a good example.