Anonymous wrote:This is OP and just providing a follow up. We tried some different meds and adjusted dosing and there has been no positive impact on his sleep. These meds are anti-psychotics with a sedating effect, not actual sleeping pills like Ambien. I actually think the meds are making his confusion worse, although this could just be the progression of his disease and/or impacts of limited sleep. As I think several have mentioned, it is apparently outside the standard of care to prescribe sleeping pills or for dementia-related sleep disturbance in the elderly due to fall risk. Not sure how they get away with it in nursing homes, if that is what they are doing. Perhaps because they have bed alarms and other things to prevent the residents from getting out of bed and falling. I don't know that I'm up to dabbling in sleep meds (nor am I sure about the wisdom of this) without the direction of his doctor.

In the meantime, I've moved forward with hiring a CNA to come and stay with my dad overnight, 5 days a week. I got MANY applicants for this job so there is definitely interest in this type of work. I dropped the ask to do laundry, but she will watch over and care for him at night, get him up in the morning, make him breakfast and get him ready for the day. We will likely place him in an adult day care program to keep him more engaged during the day (and maybe even tire him out). Anyhow, thanks to all who gave constructive advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.

Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.

Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well

Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking. So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.

In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility

+1 and thank you for making that point. I'm a little sick of these "why do Americans not keep their elders in their homes the way WE do in Asia" posts. I've lived in Asia, and for professional families, there is a substantially more robust culture of hiring help. There's help for the cooking, help for the kids, help for the outdoor work, and help for the elders. It's a doubled-edged sword, of course, given what happens to the elders of the folks who are providing the care.

Exactly! My Indian IL had tons of help, for very cheap. we had 2 round the clock care with nurses for 3+ years for them. They lived there and became part of the family. MIL passed, kept the care and brought FIL to the USA and brought the nurses with them! And yes, there were also a full time cook and 2 house cleaners, a driver, etc. 6-7 paid helpers that worked when you needed them and the nurses were 24/7 and lived there. All of that for about $20K/year US. There is cheap help for everything if you are even MC in India (and most SE Asian countries). We were not paying $35/hour for care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

I saw quite a bit, and I saw how hard my parents worked. They did the right thing and provided an example to my siblings and me of the right way to treat others. They also taught us that life isn’t always easy, that sometimes doing the right thing is difficult, but it is always worth it in the end.

YMMV

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.

Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.

Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well

Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking. So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.

In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility

+1 and thank you for making that point. I'm a little sick of these "why do Americans not keep their elders in their homes the way WE do in Asia" posts. I've lived in Asia, and for professional families, there is a substantially more robust culture of hiring help. There's help for the cooking, help for the kids, help for the outdoor work, and help for the elders. It's a doubled-edged sword, of course, given what happens to the elders of the folks who are providing the care.

Exactly! My Indian IL had tons of help, for very cheap. we had 2 round the clock care with nurses for 3+ years for them. They lived there and became part of the family. MIL passed, kept the care and brought FIL to the USA and brought the nurses with them! And yes, there were also a full time cook and 2 house cleaners, a driver, etc. 6-7 paid helpers that worked when you needed them and the nurses were 24/7 and lived there. All of that for about $20K/year US. There is cheap help for everything if you are even MC in India (and most SE Asian countries). We were not paying $35/hour for care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.

Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.

Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well

Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking. So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.

In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility

+1 and thank you for making that point. I'm a little sick of these "why do Americans not keep their elders in their homes the way WE do in Asia" posts. I've lived in Asia, and for professional families, there is a substantially more robust culture of hiring help. There's help for the cooking, help for the kids, help for the outdoor work, and help for the elders. It's a doubled-edged sword, of course, given what happens to the elders of the folks who are providing the care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.

Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.

Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well

Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking. So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.

In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

I saw quite a bit, and I saw how hard my parents worked. They did the right thing and provided an example to my siblings and me of the right way to treat others. They also taught us that life isn’t always easy, that sometimes doing the right thing is difficult, but it is always worth it in the end.

YMMV

Yes, I remember you. Last time you posted that it was "what good people do" implying that parents who do not want to subject their children to violent and/or sexual abuse of a grandparent with dementia are not "good people."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

Not all dementia patients have the same behaviors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the basement bedroom is legal.

It has a window big enough for firefighters to enter / exit? Also has hard wired smoke detectors?(Sorry if it does! A lot of people don't know what legal basement bedroom entails)

NP. Why do you care? God, Americans can be such insufferable busy bodies. Mind your own business!

I agree,
So stupid. And it’s the same in every forum - if something is slightly against the rules there’s always some busybody