The title is misleading op. There was no bullying. Kids at that age don't pay attention to things like a jacket to mark a seat and horse-play with shoes and a bit of rough-housing is common.

Echoing others so I won't repeat about handling social situations with unexpected stuff and you failing him by not setting him up for success.

Is this your 1st kid Op?

None of that is bullying. Yes, big parties with lots of younger elementary kids tend to be loud and seats get “stolen.” It’s kids being kids. If these large, loud parties are not you or your kid’s cup of tea, that’s ok. Just decline. But do not expect all the kids and parents to be looking at you and your kid ensuring that everybody has a preferred seat and food and drink and a friend. That’s just not going to happen.

If he has friends outside of school AND he hates the cohort at this school which is small AND you are a parent who isn't into socializing with the other parents at the school, doesn't changing schools seem to be a obvious solution?

Anonymous wrote:I think two things were happen here and they both contributed to making this situation feel so much worse than it needed to be.

1) The adults who sat at the kids table were downright rude. You simply do not do that unless it’s painfully clear that the kids all have a seat. I’ve been to tons of birthday parties (3 kids) and I’ve never seen parents do this, so that tells me that it’s a particularly rude if not assholish group.

2) I think your son was tired and overstimulated and also clearly picked up on your anxiety over the situation. Again, I don’t blame you for feeling awkward because the adults at this party were extremely rude, but this would have been the time for YOU to take a deep breath and be a beacon of calm for your child. Instead, when emotions were already high, you raised the stakes further by threatening your son to leave unless he calmed down. At this point you were expecting more emotional maturity from your 5 year old than you were displaying.

Anyways, all you can do is move on. The situations when the adults are rude and your son is overstimulated are probably going to be rare and far between. This is kindergarten — nobody is going to hold crying at a party against your kid. Unless this becomes a pattern, you’re fine.

I don't know how it is at OP's child's school, but I also think first grade was when the really big all-class parties with 20 kids with parents started falling off more for my kids and it started being more smaller gatherings with some kids doing drop-offs.

Anonymous wrote:When a kid is having a meltdown, especially for no reason (a spare seat in front of him that he refuses to sit in is definitely no reason) then other parents would deliberately not look at either of you and just try to give you privacy to work out the tantrum. It’s the polite thing to do.

This. If someone had intervened, then you would say they're rude for interfering in your parenting.

When a kid is having a meltdown, especially for no reason (a spare seat in front of him that he refuses to sit in is definitely no reason) then other parents would deliberately not look at either of you and just try to give you privacy to work out the tantrum. It’s the polite thing to do.

You point the finger at a lot of people. These kinds of situations don’t require blaming others. They aren’t personal.

You could have managed this a lot of different ways but the biggest issue I see is your perspective of look at what all these adults and other kids did or didn’t do to exclude my child. That is a really toxic and unhealthy way to view what happened.

I think two things were happen here and they both contributed to making this situation feel so much worse than it needed to be.

1) The adults who sat at the kids table were downright rude. You simply do not do that unless it’s painfully clear that the kids all have a seat. I’ve been to tons of birthday parties (3 kids) and I’ve never seen parents do this, so that tells me that it’s a particularly rude if not assholish group.

2) I think your son was tired and overstimulated and also clearly picked up on your anxiety over the situation. Again, I don’t blame you for feeling awkward because the adults at this party were extremely rude, but this would have been the time for YOU to take a deep breath and be a beacon of calm for your child. Instead, when emotions were already high, you raised the stakes further by threatening your son to leave unless he calmed down. At this point you were expecting more emotional maturity from your 5 year old than you were displaying.

Anyways, all you can do is move on. The situations when the adults are rude and your son is overstimulated are probably going to be rare and far between. This is kindergarten — nobody is going to hold crying at a party against your kid. Unless this becomes a pattern, you’re fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds as if your child has socio-communication issues, OP. He might benefit from an evaluation if you're finding that he's routinely targeted and victimized by different groups, and has difficulty finding solutions when he's upset and controlling his emotions. Kids are bloodhounds - they smell a weakness from miles away. This happened to my son at the same age, who was diagnosed with an ADHD/HFA combo.

Please don't be rigid yourself (stop crying or we're leaving). He's being overly rigid, so everyone else has to be flexible, in order for a crisis to be averted. It's difficult to teach self-control and self-awareness to someone who digs themselves in and has tantrums, but when you're in crisis mode and are looking for a peaceful, socially acceptable outcome, it's best not to get into a battle of wills - you will lose 100% of the time. You might have taken him outside for fresh air, with food if allowed, then come back in for cake, and ask an adult to give him his chair for a minute. Distract and defuse.

And when he's calm, teach him breathing techniques, visualization, CBT therapy techniques, anything that will help him become a little more flexible so that he can trouble shoot situations himself instead of going immediately into Defcon 1.

Well, yeah, obviously he was having some socio-comm issues; but he is 5 and a boy and was running in a pack of 6-7 year olds in highly stimulating environment. All younger boys in that situation are going to have some social/comm issues.

None of the kids were 7. OPs kid having a meltdown has nothing to do with the other kids. They came in, found a seat and had pizza. Many 5.5 year olds can manage that.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds as if your child has socio-communication issues, OP. He might benefit from an evaluation if you're finding that he's routinely targeted and victimized by different groups, and has difficulty finding solutions when he's upset and controlling his emotions. Kids are bloodhounds - they smell a weakness from miles away. This happened to my son at the same age, who was diagnosed with an ADHD/HFA combo.

Please don't be rigid yourself (stop crying or we're leaving). He's being overly rigid, so everyone else has to be flexible, in order for a crisis to be averted. It's difficult to teach self-control and self-awareness to someone who digs themselves in and has tantrums, but when you're in crisis mode and are looking for a peaceful, socially acceptable outcome, it's best not to get into a battle of wills - you will lose 100% of the time. You might have taken him outside for fresh air, with food if allowed, then come back in for cake, and ask an adult to give him his chair for a minute. Distract and defuse.

And when he's calm, teach him breathing techniques, visualization, CBT therapy techniques, anything that will help him become a little more flexible so that he can trouble shoot situations himself instead of going immediately into Defcon 1.

Well, yeah, obviously he was having some socio-comm issues; but he is 5 and a boy and was running in a pack of 6-7 year olds in highly stimulating environment. All younger boys in that situation are going to have some social/comm issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

+1
Also at that age, your son is old enough to be dropped off. If you wanted to stay, you need to stay on the sidelines more. Use the time to chat with these parents and make friends. Your ds is so used to and expecting you to helicopter that he has not had to learn how to navigate social situations himself, and he’s old enough that he should. You criticize the kid for taking your son’s seat, the mom for doing nothing, etc, but they’re in the right - these kids need to figure this out on their own. Your ds sounds a little socially stunted from having you micromanage everything. Depending on when he turns 6, I’d bet he could benefit from another year of k, potentially starting over at a new school with you stepping back a bit. Use your energy to chat with the parents and meet them, not hover

This is really good advice, OP. And treat your own anxiety with CBT or DBT and meds if needed.

Buy the book Unstuck and On Target and start working with your son.

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

I had this thought as well. Combine that with OP's DS being younger than the other boys and the stimulation of a birthday party, and you get a not-great situation that turned into an anxious meltdown mess.

Anonymous wrote:So, in that situation I would have turned to an adult on their phone and said, "Excuse me, could my son use this chair for a few minutes so he can eat pizza?"

Nobody would say no to that.

Also, OP, get hand sanitizer to squirt on your kid in situations like this. You treated him like a baby by taking him to wash his hands, and then got upset with him that he acted like a baby.

All of this.

OP, I'm sorry you are getting some rude responses here.

I think the best thing you could have done is to demonstrate to your son what problem solving looks like in a social situation like this. You have said that you have social anxiety yourself. What I read in your post is that you were looking for other people to notice the problem and solve it for you. But what gives us confidence is being able to solve problems ourselves. The quickest way to solve this problem would have been to say to a seated parent, "I'm sorry, all the chairs are taken, would you mind letting my son sit here?"

All this is to say that helping your son navigate the world likely will require you to work on your own social anxiety and social skills. It will help you be a better advocate for him, and help teach him to be an advocate for himself.

I'll also add that it sounds like you don't like this school very much. Is there a reason to stay there?

This seems less about the party and this school does not sound like a good fit for your kid.