Anonymous
12/30/2024 05:50
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.
Oh shut up. You don't know what your talking about.
*you’re. You shut up.
Anonymous
12/30/2024 05:09
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:OP- I don't blame you. My elderly parents (divorced) are both toxic, neglectful, and abusive in their own ways, and here's what people don't understand:
There is no doubt that if I had developed a mental illness, required a lot of care, needed a place to live as an adult, or struggled I could expect to be on my own and homeless if I depended on either one of my parents for basic assistance.
As it turns out, I am relatively financially successful with a good DH and a nice son. Now, when I hear from from my parents it's to tell me how important family is-- especially as they are older and would like access to my money and my assistance.
It's not about being the bigger person- we've worked hard so that we may provide for son and for ourselves in our own retirement so that we don't burden our child. My parents would take my son's college fund and my house if it meant they could be more comfortable. No.
+1 watching Jordan Neely’s family try to get money after they abandoned their child is triggering
Anonymous
12/30/2024 00:20
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
OP- I don't blame you. My elderly parents (divorced) are both toxic, neglectful, and abusive in their own ways, and here's what people don't understand:
There is no doubt that if I had developed a mental illness, required a lot of care, needed a place to live as an adult, or struggled I could expect to be on my own and homeless if I depended on either one of my parents for basic assistance.
As it turns out, I am relatively financially successful with a good DH and a nice son. Now, when I hear from from my parents it's to tell me how important family is-- especially as they are older and would like access to my money and my assistance.
It's not about being the bigger person- we've worked hard so that we may provide for son and for ourselves in our own retirement so that we don't burden our child. My parents would take my son's college fund and my house if it meant they could be more comfortable. No.
There is no doubt that if I had developed a mental illness, required a lot of care, needed a place to live as an adult, or struggled I could expect to be on my own and homeless if I depended on either one of my parents for basic assistance.
As it turns out, I am relatively financially successful with a good DH and a nice son. Now, when I hear from from my parents it's to tell me how important family is-- especially as they are older and would like access to my money and my assistance.
It's not about being the bigger person- we've worked hard so that we may provide for son and for ourselves in our own retirement so that we don't burden our child. My parents would take my son's college fund and my house if it meant they could be more comfortable. No.
Anonymous
12/29/2024 23:59
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:^^ and PPs advice about being vague is good - you don’t have to go into any detail. You only cannot afford to help. Period.
OP, do you think your siblings will be willing to pitch in financially help your mom?
What will happen if they also state that they cannot afford to help and are also vague, with no detail?
Anonymous
12/29/2024 23:13
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That’s a horrible attitude and you should treat her better than you are. She’s family.
No one can destroy your life more than a toxic family member.
My dad has six adult children and two adult grandchildren, but none of us are willing to take him into our homes permanently.
Asian cultures, which cherish their elders, put us to shame. The modern U.S. is such a selfish society.
Our government should do more for old people in need.
No, PP. YOU should do more for old people in need.
+1. I hate the ignorant liberal comments like this on this website. OP's mom hasn't even filed for benefits she was entitled to at 65, fed and state, but someone always says unthinkingly that "the government" (never educated enough to even know if they mean state or fed) needs to do more! Do more "what" exactly? They don't know. They don't even know what programs exist. And meanwhile we're shockingly in debt. But, yes, lets tax and spend more!
Anonymous
12/29/2024 23:01
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m sure she is eligible for senior low cost housing (may be a waiting list of a few months), free cell phone and free service, low utility bill, food stamps, Medicaid to cover Medicare payments, and free bus pass and transportation. She needs to call PACE and get started. She can also apply for a waiver for in home care when the time comes.
Ha. You definitely do not know what you are talking about regarding eligibility and waitlists for these programs. If you qualify by income, there is a many year wait for many of these things. My mother has been on the waitlist for subsidized low cost housing for 4+ years in DMV.
In DC the section 8 voucher waitlist was closed for over a decade, though there were some locally funded vouchers for the homeless. Individual buildings with project-based section 8 can run their own waitlists so it's a good thing to check into wherever OP's mom lives--the wait times and what's available can vary a lot.
Anonymous
12/29/2024 22:59
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m sure she is eligible for senior low cost housing (may be a waiting list of a few months), free cell phone and free service, low utility bill, food stamps, Medicaid to cover Medicare payments, and free bus pass and transportation. She needs to call PACE and get started. She can also apply for a waiver for in home care when the time comes.
Also - free cell phone? What program is that?
Lifeline https://www.fcc.gov/general/lifeline-program-low-income-consumers
Anonymous
12/29/2024 22:49
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
She was your mother. You have no clue what she went through and why. You only know what she decides to tell you. I think it’s pretty wrong to base your support off of her rough patches. Even in my father’s old age, we took care of him. He was an alcoholic and abusive. He never found peace on Earth and he was horrific while on it but he is our family. He is human.
Anonymous
12/29/2024 22:38
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
+1. Definitely look into this.Anonymous wrote:You’d mentioned she quit a job right before becoming vested. Can she return to that employer and work a little longer to get that pension?
Anonymous
12/29/2024 22:17
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:I’m sure she is eligible for senior low cost housing (may be a waiting list of a few months), free cell phone and free service, low utility bill, food stamps, Medicaid to cover Medicare payments, and free bus pass and transportation. She needs to call PACE and get started. She can also apply for a waiver for in home care when the time comes.
Ha. You definitely do not know what you are talking about regarding eligibility and waitlists for these programs. If you qualify by income, there is a many year wait for many of these things. My mother has been on the waitlist for subsidized low cost housing for 4+ years in DMV.
Anonymous
12/29/2024 06:36
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
^^ and PPs advice about being vague is good - you don’t have to go into any detail. You only cannot afford to help. Period.
Anonymous
12/29/2024 06:34
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, can you give us some context on your mom’s horrible decisions? Were they on the level of choosing some bad investment funds, or were they on the level of spending all her money on drugs and parties? Or somewhere in between?
Also, it might be hard to understand that a 69 year old woman grew up in a very different world than you did. Girls were treated very differently than they are today, with expectations and opportunities that were greatly reduced from those available to boys at that time. No one was telling girls then that they could be anything they wanted to be, in fact they were presented with very constrained choices.
It’s very possible that your mom never had the greatest self esteem herself. It’s very difficult to help your children to have good self esteem when you don’t really know what it feels like to see value in yourself.
She divorced my dad during his financial rough patch, thinking she would be able to find a guy with more money.
They split everything 50/50 and each went off with several hundred thousand (Midwest, ‘00s dollars) and should have been fine. My dad is doing fine now.
She quit a stable job with great benefits and flexibility with lots of time off because it was just “too much responsibility” just before becoming fully vested in the pension.
She gave a bunch of money to some guy who said he would invest it pay her back with interest, she never saw it again. We found this out years after the fact.
She sold her condo and moved in with a guy, several years later the relationship was done and the condo proceeds were gone.
At every step of the way, was not transparent about any of it in spite of various red flags, nor did she ask any of us for advice even though 2 of my siblings are well versed in financial and legal issues.
Low self esteem or not, I cannot fathom making choices that would doom myself or create an awful situation for my children.
She blames everything on not knowing how to “invest”.
Sigh. That was the least of her problems.
She was not a fantastic parent to any of us but did have her favorites, no coincidence that they have been the most successful. So it wasn’t that she couldn’t do things or show love for anyone, she just did not do them for me.
When you are speaking with your siblings I wouldn’t bring up anything to do with her having favorites. The favorites almost NEVER see that they were the favorites. Focus on your own financial situation and keep reiterating you are not in a financial position to contribute. Keep the details vague. It’s none of their business what your financial situation is and how you spend your money. Say what you can do that doesn’t involve financial help eg getting her on waitlists and just keep repeating that you aren’t in a financial position to help otherwise. Stay strong OP!
+1 Ultimately the “why” doesn’t matter; the only thing that’s really relevant (i.e, not subjective or up to debate with siblings who might perceive differently) is that you are not in a position to contribute financially. Period.
You are asking for words, but the words you shared here about being a single mother who has to put two kids through college should suffice, and the fact that you had to plan meticulously for years to afford it, and continue to support yourself as you age and retire.
There is no way to control how they react, or avoid the unpleasantness of the conversation, no matter what or how you communicate your boundaries. You just have do it, respectfully and without animosity, and accept that they will have their opinions (as PPs did here). If it’s easier to express yourself by email, that might be a good first step.
Anonymous
12/29/2024 06:19
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:I’m sure she is eligible for senior low cost housing (may be a waiting list of a few months), free cell phone and free service, low utility bill, food stamps, Medicaid to cover Medicare payments, and free bus pass and transportation. She needs to call PACE and get started. She can also apply for a waiver for in home care when the time comes.
Also - free cell phone? What program is that?
Anonymous
12/29/2024 06:17
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Anonymous wrote:I’m sure she is eligible for senior low cost housing (may be a waiting list of a few months), free cell phone and free service, low utility bill, food stamps, Medicaid to cover Medicare payments, and free bus pass and transportation. She needs to call PACE and get started. She can also apply for a waiver for in home care when the time comes.
DP. Where do you live that the senior housing waiting list is only a few months? I’m in MoCo and it’s closer to a few years.
Anonymous
12/28/2024 09:55
Subject: 69, zero assets, social security is not enough
Depending on where you live, you may not ever see your mom get to the top of a Section 8 voucher/housing list.
She is single (albeit elderly) and without kids.
We've been trying to get housing for my elderly brother for more than 8 years. They won't even accept his application(s) because the priority for housing is for those who have minor children. This includes young couples and those who have recently arrived in the US.
I think it is awful that people in their 70s have zero options for housing assistance.
This country is going to see more and more sick, disabled elderly people living on the streets. There are many of them doing this already who try to maintain a veneer of normalcy by hanging out in stores or fast food restaurants most of the day. Then sleep in their cars, if they are still lucky enough to have one.
I guess the good news is the elderly will die more quickly that way which is probably a good thing as far as many in younger generations are concerned.
As evidenced in this thread, many people want nothing to do with their own parents' elder care.
She is single (albeit elderly) and without kids.
We've been trying to get housing for my elderly brother for more than 8 years. They won't even accept his application(s) because the priority for housing is for those who have minor children. This includes young couples and those who have recently arrived in the US.
I think it is awful that people in their 70s have zero options for housing assistance.
This country is going to see more and more sick, disabled elderly people living on the streets. There are many of them doing this already who try to maintain a veneer of normalcy by hanging out in stores or fast food restaurants most of the day. Then sleep in their cars, if they are still lucky enough to have one.
I guess the good news is the elderly will die more quickly that way which is probably a good thing as far as many in younger generations are concerned.
As evidenced in this thread, many people want nothing to do with their own parents' elder care.