"So this comment was the straw that broke her back. The counselor told me that Dd unloaded on her and how hard she has worked (very true) to get straight As and take many AP classes (very true). Our school doesnt rank but she would definitely be top 5. The time she put into her ECs and building relationships with her teachers..... She kept telling me that she was doing all of this because she liked doing this but it turns out, it was because she wants this school this bad."

this all sounds OTT.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is a reason why she is so attached to this school. Don’t have time to type it all out but it is an irrational reason and all the discussions I’ve had with her about it went nowhere. For those blaming me, you don’t know half the story so keep it to yourself.
We go to a high FARMs school. There are probably 5 kids applying to top level schools. Opportunities are scarce but she found them and did well with them. But not at the level a kid with resources can succeed. The school counselor has her hands full so she doesnt get the guidance and advice that some private schools provide.
I thank everyone whom offered support. Being a parent is tough especially when you’ve dealt with nothing but challenges in your life and just want your kids to be happy. I know I can’t change the system but allowing kids to out all their eggs in one basket can cause a lot of pressure. And no, she doesn’t do club sports or other $$$ activities but what she has done, she has done well. I just want her to bounce back and be ok.

OP, don't compare yourself to others until you have walked a mile in their shoes. People think we are rich. The truth is I had to become a law firm partner so I could afford tutors and therapies for my child that insurance didn't cover and send them to a good school. Otherwise I would have chosen a very different path, lived in a different neighborhood and happily sent my kids to a FARMs school. I went to one and did just fine. Am I lucky? Sort of. Regularly work 15-hour days and barely see my kids. But my child is a functioning human with a bright future whereas if I chose a different path they probably wouldn't be. So just deal with the hand you are dealt. Other people do.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is a reason why she is so attached to this school. Don’t have time to type it all out but it is an irrational reason and all the discussions I’ve had with her about it went nowhere. For those blaming me, you don’t know half the story so keep it to yourself.
We go to a high FARMs school. There are probably 5 kids applying to top level schools. Opportunities are scarce but she found them and did well with them. But not at the level a kid with resources can succeed. The school counselor has her hands full so she doesnt get the guidance and advice that some private schools provide.
I thank everyone whom offered support. Being a parent is tough especially when you’ve dealt with nothing but challenges in your life and just want your kids to be happy. I know I can’t change the system but allowing kids to out all their eggs in one basket can cause a lot of pressure. And no, she doesn’t do club sports or other $$$ activities but what she has done, she has done well. I just want her to bounce back and be ok.

I dont buy this. Sorry, but there are kids getting into these colleges from rural Cambodia. Your kid has a mom with enough social capital to post on DCUM. No college wants to see kids who max out opportunities within school and that's it.

Nobody eggs are in one basket. RD deadlines are still in the future. She can put as many eggs in as many baskets as she likes.

Even if this is true, why jump on a school based college counselor?

Signed, Brooklyn mom with kids in a school with 94% FRL and nowhere close to 5 kids apply to top elite schools a year - that works for our kids. . (we all get free lunch bcs it's nyc, but we have the numbers for title 1 funds)

all that sad, I hope she gets in.

Hell OP this is a typical girl reaction. Mine was livid when she got rejected from a safety!

She will move on and go to a school she loves.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is a reason why she is so attached to this school. Don’t have time to type it all out but it is an irrational reason and all the discussions I’ve had with her about it went nowhere. For those blaming me, you don’t know half the story so keep it to yourself.
We go to a high FARMs school. There are probably 5 kids applying to top level schools. Opportunities are scarce but she found them and did well with them. But not at the level a kid with resources can succeed. The school counselor has her hands full so she doesnt get the guidance and advice that some private schools provide.
I thank everyone whom offered support. Being a parent is tough especially when you’ve dealt with nothing but challenges in your life and just want your kids to be happy. I know I can’t change the system but allowing kids to out all their eggs in one basket can cause a lot of pressure. And no, she doesn’t do club sports or other $$$ activities but what she has done, she has done well. I just want her to bounce back and be ok.

I highly recommend you don’t catastrophize the college admissions process.

Every year kids get rejected from their “dream college.” My kid likely will too! They end up and other colleges and have wonderful experiences.

Your child’s reaction sounds like she would benefit from a cool down.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is a reason why she is so attached to this school. Don’t have time to type it all out but it is an irrational reason and all the discussions I’ve had with her about it went nowhere. For those blaming me, you don’t know half the story so keep it to yourself.
We go to a high FARMs school. There are probably 5 kids applying to top level schools. Opportunities are scarce but she found them and did well with them. But not at the level a kid with resources can succeed. The school counselor has her hands full so she doesnt get the guidance and advice that some private schools provide.
I thank everyone whom offered support. Being a parent is tough especially when you’ve dealt with nothing but challenges in your life and just want your kids to be happy. I know I can’t change the system but allowing kids to out all their eggs in one basket can cause a lot of pressure. And no, she doesn’t do club sports or other $$$ activities but what she has done, she has done well. I just want her to bounce back and be ok.

Although I think perhaps some comments can be said more kindly, I feel what people are trying to say here is that us (and our kids) are dealt with the hand they are dealt. Some have all the resources in the world to allow them to go to excellent prep schools and have the downside of competing against equally amply resourced kids who are also brilliant intellectually. Some kids have the misfortune of going to under-resourced public schools that don't provide them much as enrichment opportunities as these elite high schools but the up side of that is that when you are brilliant in an underresourced school, you are bound to stand out and your chances of getting into these highly selective colleges are not too shabby. Both scenarios offer advantages and disadvantages. That's just the way it is.

It may be unhealthy to blame your daughter's reaction to a set of forces outside her control (like ED policies, admissions practices, etc) because realistically there are a good number of kids who have not had the resources that others may have but still did well in the college application process.

When you lament this perceived injustice towards your child, your child will always feel like a victim when that should not be the case. Maybe that is what is adding to her stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is an ED issue. Yes, she would be very bummed RD, but she'd have other schools sending news simultaneously. She'd be able to pivot much more quickly. ED rejections make kids wallow in the disappointment for months.

Nah. So many schools have EA now that many kids are getting multiple decisions in December. My kid got two acceptances the week after his ED rejection last year.

Also…rejection is hard, but it’s part of life. You’re not always going to have a distraction from your disappointment, so figuring out how to manage it is a critical life skill.

I told my kid last year when he was rejected from his ED that I was so proud of him for trying, even though it was a long shot. I hope OP can find a similar sentiment to share with her kid if she gets disappointing news.

Sure, lots of schools have EA, but very few of them are near (or even vaguely near) peer schools of an elite place like Duke. For the 'public Ivies', lots of OOS applicants don't hear until January. Yes, you can apply to a public safety and likely hear around the time of a private ED rejection, but it's probably a big fall from one to the other.

I’m the PP you’re responding to. My kid was rejected ED from a top 15 school, then got acceptances to a public safety and a private target, both with big merit money. It helped. But my kid also knew he could be happy at either of those schools, even if they weren’t the top choice, and didn’t see prestige as the end-all, be-all.

Great for your kid! IME, few privates (other than the tippy-top schools) have non-binding EA. Public universities are great, but if your kid is excited about a small-school enviroment, it's hard to get a target/ safety decision at the same time as an ED.

Please report back OP. Hope she gets in. My kid had huge disappointment but rebounded. It definitely sucks.

ED needs to go because it favors the wealthy. Not because kids are falling in love with schools they likely are not getting admitted to.

OP here. There is a reason why she is so attached to this school. Don’t have time to type it all out but it is an irrational reason and all the discussions I’ve had with her about it went nowhere. For those blaming me, you don’t know half the story so keep it to yourself.
We go to a high FARMs school. There are probably 5 kids applying to top level schools. Opportunities are scarce but she found them and did well with them. But not at the level a kid with resources can succeed. The school counselor has her hands full so she doesnt get the guidance and advice that some private schools provide.
I thank everyone whom offered support. Being a parent is tough especially when you’ve dealt with nothing but challenges in your life and just want your kids to be happy. I know I can’t change the system but allowing kids to out all their eggs in one basket can cause a lot of pressure. And no, she doesn’t do club sports or other $$$ activities but what she has done, she has done well. I just want her to bounce back and be ok.

Anonymous wrote:OP, while I understand the instinct to look for someone/something to blame when our children are suffering, ED is not the problem. I’m sorry your daughter and you got bad news. It sucks. Allow her to feel her disappointment but without wallowing in it. Today she probably just wants your hug while she cries. She doesn’t want to hear it’s not the end of the world or there will be other options (although both are true). In a day or two dust yourselves off and talk about what’s next.

For parents who will go through this in the future: always, always have a Plan B and Plan C. For example: our kid ranked the choices, deliberately did not apply EA to #3 so if deferred or declined from ED1 would have then applied ED2 to #3. Meanwhile EA decision to #2 comes out before #3 so if accepted to #2 would have changed #3 from ED to RD. Had acceptance in hand from #4 as it was rolling admission. Fortunately was accepted to ED1 so it became moot…but the point was to have backup plans.

And damn, I didn’t realize she didn’t actually get bad news yet. We’ll, hopefully she will be admitted, but it sounds like she needs to learn some coping skills if she had a total meltdown about the possibility of not getting in based on a dumb kid’s comment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is an ED issue. Yes, she would be very bummed RD, but she'd have other schools sending news simultaneously. She'd be able to pivot much more quickly. ED rejections make kids wallow in the disappointment for months.

Nah. So many schools have EA now that many kids are getting multiple decisions in December. My kid got two acceptances the week after his ED rejection last year.

Also…rejection is hard, but it’s part of life. You’re not always going to have a distraction from your disappointment, so figuring out how to manage it is a critical life skill.

I told my kid last year when he was rejected from his ED that I was so proud of him for trying, even though it was a long shot. I hope OP can find a similar sentiment to share with her kid if she gets disappointing news.

Sure, lots of schools have EA, but very few of them are near (or even vaguely near) peer schools of an elite place like Duke. For the 'public Ivies', lots of OOS applicants don't hear until January. Yes, you can apply to a public safety and likely hear around the time of a private ED rejection, but it's probably a big fall from one to the other.

I’m the PP you’re responding to. My kid was rejected ED from a top 15 school, then got acceptances to a public safety and a private target, both with big merit money. It helped. But my kid also knew he could be happy at either of those schools, even if they weren’t the top choice, and didn’t see prestige as the end-all, be-all.

DP but have you considered for some people it isn't prestige for prestige sake, but a needed aspect of career advancement and access to opportunities. Especially if you want to go to a good grad school, law school, or go into certain industries, you really need that leg up of an application from an elite school.

DP:

No, you need a good undergrad GPA and GRE or LSAT scores.

It has been proven time and time again that elite schools help with your law school acceptances.

Source?

Teenagers are dramatic. They freak out. That's what they do. An entire system affecting millions of people doesn't need to change just because your Lil' Schmoopsie got upset. She could be happy at dozens of colleges. If she decides that she can ONLY be happy at one, then that's just her poor decision making.

Did she get in?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is an ED issue. Yes, she would be very bummed RD, but she'd have other schools sending news simultaneously. She'd be able to pivot much more quickly. ED rejections make kids wallow in the disappointment for months.

Nah. So many schools have EA now that many kids are getting multiple decisions in December. My kid got two acceptances the week after his ED rejection last year.

Also…rejection is hard, but it’s part of life. You’re not always going to have a distraction from your disappointment, so figuring out how to manage it is a critical life skill.

I told my kid last year when he was rejected from his ED that I was so proud of him for trying, even though it was a long shot. I hope OP can find a similar sentiment to share with her kid if she gets disappointing news.

Sure, lots of schools have EA, but very few of them are near (or even vaguely near) peer schools of an elite place like Duke. For the 'public Ivies', lots of OOS applicants don't hear until January. Yes, you can apply to a public safety and likely hear around the time of a private ED rejection, but it's probably a big fall from one to the other.

I’m the PP you’re responding to. My kid was rejected ED from a top 15 school, then got acceptances to a public safety and a private target, both with big merit money. It helped. But my kid also knew he could be happy at either of those schools, even if they weren’t the top choice, and didn’t see prestige as the end-all, be-all.

DP but have you considered for some people it isn't prestige for prestige sake, but a needed aspect of career advancement and access to opportunities. Especially if you want to go to a good grad school, law school, or go into certain industries, you really need that leg up of an application from an elite school.

DP:

No, you need a good undergrad GPA and GRE or LSAT scores.

It has been proven time and time again that elite schools help with your law school acceptances.