Anonymous wrote:Im in a situation not much different. It sucks bc im always making up excuses to our kids friends group why dad never shows up to anything and is so disengaged. I have accepted I live w a shadow and that’s that. I’m not risking a custody battle.

This is a realistic approach to deal with life if you dated, committed, married, had one and then the other kid with them. You don't want kids to live 50% of the time with someone who can't handle being a dad in a marriage where they only have to do 20%, to do 100% as a single parent. Obviously, you can for selfish reasons but not with children's interest in mind.

I think the mental health diagnosis is getting “credit” here for way is a pretty common dynamic. If you can 1) outsource 2) run the clock on the kids getting older and less needy 3) try to regain some relationship/friendship with dh you may ultimately be ok.

There are lots of mentally healthy Dads not contributing or contributing unreliably or only on their own terms. Not fair, but seeing this as a garden variety set of problems might help.

My exH has mental health issues too; so I empathize with this dilemma. In this case it was symptoms consistent with borderline so there was a lot of emotional/verbal abuse, and I was still reluctant to end it. He is a capable parent though in the practical sense (somewhat) and our kids were 8 and 11 when we divorced. I felt much better also being separated from them at these ages because they could report on what’s happening. It’s not ideal but seeing him scream at me and living in a toxic environment was also not good. I am feeling much better now.

In your case, I would carve out as much space as you can, hire out everything, and see if you can manage your own mental health separately from him as if he is a roommate until the kids are a bit older. In the meantime, see a lawyer and document everything — including especially how much he travels and what time he actually is able to care for the kids. When you’re ready to separate you make a default parenting schedule that fits his work time as if it’s a favor to him. But this will become the default in a divorce. You want as much custody time as possible and if possible you want him to walk away. That will be infinitely easier than coparenting with a mentally ill person, which has its own issues.

I am dealing with the co parenting because the kids want to see him despite his volatile moods and he would have fought me for 50-50 and won. However I hope that when the kids get older we will see where they want to go.

Do you need to divorce? Are there shorter term solutions that might alleviate the stress you are experiencing and further reduce the resentment that is building?

It sounds like your problems are due to sharing a living space. Maybe you get a small apartment that either of you can share in order to create a space that you or he has control over.

It’s also a place he can go when he is feeling g overwhelmed? Or you can go to chill out and let him parent for the weekend.

It doesn’t necessarily have to mean opening the marriage up.

Anonymous wrote:NP. My H is similar. Our kid is now a teenager. Husband did not change. Now I am actually glad that I do all the parenting, because I do not want the kid to be exposed so much to such a negative influence.

Good luck to you, OP!

Are you glad you stuck it out? Do you plan to keep the status quo once kid is out of the house? Does kid have an overall positive relationship with dad?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you outsource a ton of things? It seems to me that a benefit to remaining married is that you have access to his paycheck. So use it.

Do you people who suggest this not realize the cost of such arrangements, all around??

Independence is much healthier.

I'm "you people" and yes, I have or have had a full-time nanny, cleaners, gardeners, laundry service, chef, etc. So I am aware of how much it costs.

Independence may be healthier for OP (although you're dismissing her concerns about her children by saying that), but it's likely not wealthier. One household with outsourcing would likely be cheaper than two households with lawyer fees.

NP. My H is similar. Our kid is now a teenager. Husband did not change. Now I am actually glad that I do all the parenting, because I do not want the kid to be exposed so much to such a negative influence.

Good luck to you, OP!

Im in a situation not much different. It sucks bc im always making up excuses to our kids friends group why dad never shows up to anything and is so disengaged. I have accepted I live w a shadow and that’s that. I’m not risking a custody battle.

I was married to someone who was diagnosed with bipolar during the marriage. Kids were about 2 & 5 at diagnosis. I ended our marriage because his bipolar behaviors were dangerous to my health and sanity.

I managed to maintain full custody on an informal basis. I cheerfully allowed him into my house for dinners and one weekend day or went with him on the weekend day. In truth, he knew that he could not manage the kids on his own, so as long as I didn't shame him about it, he would do what he felt he could safely with me or returning the kids in a short period.

It wasn't until the kids were about 5 and 8 that they began to spend more time alone with him. The 8 year old was very reliable and often took care of her younger brother, who was also a pretty mature 5 year old. ExDH still spent pretty limited time with them, often cancelling or bringing them home early or hanging out at my house for a few hours to watch TV with them when he really didn't feel capable of watching them himself. It was disappointing to the kids, who I think sometimes felt unwanted, but it was better than being alone and neglected.

As the kids got older, they still had a relationship with him, and I was able to set harder boundaries for myself. By the middle of high school, I no longer spent time with them, and after outburst when he bad-named me in front of the kids, I pretty much excluded him from my house and grey rocked him. Yes, I think the underlying reason for the outburst was a fall irritable mania coming around to depression, but I had no more f&*cks to give. He never went to therapy consistently and never took meds consistently.

Mental illness can involve abuse, and there is no obligation on family members to continue to expose themselves to abuse or neglect for the sake of maintaining some kind of illusory family relationship.

OP, you might find the NAMI Family to Family class helpful, or a NAMI support group.