I recently lost my dad and was amazed at how many people were helpful - helping find funeral clothes for my kid, bringing meals, sending Door Dash gift cards, etc. I was so appreciative (and apparently I have a lot of friends who are good cooks!).

I did notice that the people who were the most attuned to what I might want/need are people who have lost a parent or sibling themselves. I also realized that I haven't done as much as I could have for friends in this situation, so I'm going to do more moving forward.

Anonymous wrote:Had they lost a parent yet? Unless people
grew up with parents that showed them how to respond appropriately to the bereaved, many people don't know what to do. They think they will bother or add to your grief by mentioning it. The only person close to me that had died in 50 years was my grandmother when I was a child. When my father passed, I finally understood what people needed and it wasn't to be left alone to grieve. I learned more when my mother died. Two years later, I am still working through my feelings now that the most influential people in my life are gone. It's easy to want to cut people out of your life that disappoint you but it just makes your world smaller.

This. When I lost a parent, the friends and acquaintances who most reliably reached out were ones who had also lost a parent.

I posted on another thread here about how my own ILs barely acknowledged my last parents’ death. They attended the local funeral. Then about one month later my FIL asked if I’d cleared out my parents storage facility - I answered yes and that was the end of the discussion with no further questions in months.

At Thanksgiving my FIL mentioned that it had been such a rough year for them considering they went to X number of funerals and so many of their friends had died.

Bracing myself for Christmas.

When my dad died several people sent food baskets or flowers. I very much appreciated people who did things like that but did not hold it against people who didn't. I also got cards from many of my colleagues -- including colleagues I don't work with very closely. But that may be because I work with a lot of lobbyists and part of their job involves being good at social interactions. I felt really supported when I got back to work and now try to always send a card when I hear about someone who lost of a parent.

Anonymous wrote:How old are the people that send flowers and food? Seems like a dated thing to do upon finding out someone has died.

Seems like we need it more than ever. There are lots of stories about how lonely and isolated people have become. Studies and discussions about the dirth of deep friendships — how superficial relationships even with our closest friends have become. The problem is growing.

Anonymous wrote:How old are the people that send flowers and food? Seems like a dated thing to do upon finding out someone has died.

I think food can be useful. My mom lived with us and when she died my husband and I were so busy managing logistics/in a grief blur that we had little bandwidth to make food. Having a few friends bring over an easy family breakfast or dinner was a lifesaver.

As someone whose mother’s death was a huge relief due to her health issues I think it’s natural for the older generation to go and it doesn’t require anything special besides words of condolences. I’d prob come to the funeral but sending chocolates? Wouldn’t even think of it.

^^^I should add that I do a memorial donation instead of flowers if the family has asked for donations in lieu of flowers.

Anonymous wrote:How old are the people that send flowers and food? Seems like a dated thing to do upon finding out someone has died.

I am in my 40s and for close friends, I send flowers to the visitation or memorial service. All of my friends' parents are out of town so I can't attend those services, but I think it is comforting for the family of the deceased to walk into the funeral home and see flowers in honor of their loved one. My hope is that it helps in some small way on what is always a very hard and exhausting day.

I think some sort of acknowledgement is important whether its a 2 line text , or a call or a voice message or a condolence visit. It means a lot.
Flowers are not necessary. Food on the other hand is a helpful warm gesture in many cultures.

Anonymous wrote:How old are the people that send flowers and food? Seems like a dated thing to do upon finding out someone has died.

I’m 50 and I honestly think all this stuff sounds really old fashioned. I support my friends via text and calls, but I don’t send cards, flowers or food. The food thing seems particularly specific to an era when women were homemakers and DoorDash wasn’t an option. It also seems specific to a time when hordes of people descended for funerals and visits. With the mobility of people these days, most don’t have 40 cousins hanging around over three to five days where you need a ton of casseroles.

That said, I’m sorry that OP feels unsupported. My mom dropped dead out of nowhere when I was 40 and she was 66. I have zero recollection a decade later about who did what, but I didn’t generally feel unsupported. But I also had a kid with brain cancer at the same time so grief for my mom was pretty low on my agenda.

I don’t think sending a card, flowers or food should be a litmus test for a friendship. But, I also think if you feel totally unsupported then you may need to rethink things.

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the entire thread, but here in the DMV we and others are all transplants. Some friends we have known for 15+ years and are close.

Neither I or spouse ever told anyone about our out-of-town parents dying...and others have not told us about their own (only learning about some these things years after they happened). None of us are big social media people and would ever post something like this on social media.

All this to say...unless we proactively told someone about a parent dying, absolutely nobody would know.

I'm right there with you. Our parents die because they're old and it's normal. I don't need flowers nor food nor messages. It's a private matter to me.

Anonymous wrote:How old are the people that send flowers and food? Seems like a dated thing to do upon finding out someone has died.

Perhaps on the flowers, but food can be very appreciated, especially if the passing is unexpected, three generations or little ones at home, etc. You are taking the worry of figuring out the meal off their plate - no pun intended.

I know a range of folks who do meal trains. Heck, a friend’s former colleague passed away. It wasn’t unexpected because they were terminally ill, but my friend didn’t know it. She had 2 under 2, one with chronic colds, etc, and had dropped off a lot of radars. The ill colleague wasn’t really telling anyone. Broke her heart.

I lost my parents 10 months apart 2 years ago. They were 90. They had already outlived most of their friends. Heard from a few remaining because we put an obituary in several newspapers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you guys saying that you send a card for every acquaintance you know if their parent dies?

Yeah, as if you even know when some acquaintance's parent has passed away.

If I hear about it, and if I have their address, I am absolutely sending a card. Or a facebook message or a text. I am not ignoring it.