Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We included a boy like this yesterday because we know the parents. He is a “nerdy” boy and my son and his new friends are not in the same friend group in middle school and on. My son is nice and we were the hosts so we invited them. Normally this boy would not be included. They are now in high school.

Your son needs to find his own new group.

In MS, you have parties first and then kids go ToT together?

Me again. My kid is now in high school. Since middle school, there has been a meeting house where kids hang out before and after trick or treating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We included a boy like this yesterday because we know the parents. He is a “nerdy” boy and my son and his new friends are not in the same friend group in middle school and on. My son is nice and we were the hosts so we invited them. Normally this boy would not be included. They are now in high school.

Your son needs to find his own new group.

In MS, you have parties first and then kids go ToT together?

It is not some formal party. A group of around 10 boys came over to my house. I ordered food. They hung out, went trick or treating, came back and hung out until midnight.

The other boy left early. The mom and I are friends and she thanked me for including her son. High school is really old for parents to be involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My DS was the one who changed plans and dis-invited 2 kids. I think it was a timing issue and he had another group asking him to join. Those uninvited kids are just going to come anyway (they figured out their logistical issue and the parents just asked me for the meeting time).

Gauche. At the very least, you should have explained to DS that this is the height of rudeness and poor manners. You don't leave friends behind because a "better" option presented itself. Tacky and low class. Do better.

Last year, we invited a few kids to our neighborhood party. My son invited a handful of kids. One kid said he had plans with another kid and he was also included. It is very easy to join groups instead of disinviting.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes tweens / young teens are not thinking of all the possibly consequences. They have a thought and go with it. One thing you can do is to teach your son to not respond that its fine if it isn't. So when the friend disinvites him, he can respond to friend with someting along the lines of that sucks, now I have no one to go with or time to make other plans (but in MS appropriate language). Sometimes just giving the other kid more information to work with in the moment can lead to them realizing the consequences and then making a different decision.

My DS did this last night when he was dropped at the last minute by his “best friend”….and the kid sent it to the group chat and made fun of him for being upset. So…0/10 do not recommend. Now my kid who was hurt is twice as upset and has a whole group making fun of him.

Does validate my husband and I telling him for months that this kid is a jerk and not a real friend!

Anonymous wrote:We included a boy like this yesterday because we know the parents. He is a “nerdy” boy and my son and his new friends are not in the same friend group in middle school and on. My son is nice and we were the hosts so we invited them. Normally this boy would not be included. They are now in high school.

Your son needs to find his own new group.

In MS, you have parties first and then kids go ToT together?

Np. We never clubbed with anyone when our kids were in ES (other than one year) and just went to a fun busy neighborhood as a family. Now both kids are in MS and they didn't make any plans?? They asked one friend who is on their bus and she said she was going in her neighborhood and the other kids who are not on same bus and live further away made plans together. Is this normal not to make any plans? They seemed fine with it though but reading this thread makes me wonder if I did them a disservice by not social engineering in ES

Anonymous wrote:We included a boy like this yesterday because we know the parents. He is a “nerdy” boy and my son and his new friends are not in the same friend group in middle school and on. My son is nice and we were the hosts so we invited them. Normally this boy would not be included. They are now in high school.

Your son needs to find his own new group.

I’m confused by this post. “We included”? “We invited”? You hosted a pre-trick or treating party for a bunch of high school boys?

Middle school is tough because there is no more being in the same class or parent invites. The kids make their own friends.

My son switched schools and wasn’t included in any groups this year. Thankfully another kid in our neighborhood also had no plans and they hung out together. Some boys they knew ended up hanging out in our driveway and they barely went trick or treating.

We included a boy like this yesterday because we know the parents. He is a “nerdy” boy and my son and his new friends are not in the same friend group in middle school and on. My son is nice and we were the hosts so we invited them. Normally this boy would not be included. They are now in high school.

Your son needs to find his own new group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you close enough with any of the moms to ask them for insight? I wouldn’t jump to conclusions now, but if he continues to be excluded/isolated I would definitely be concerned.

For tonight I’d offer a movie or some activity you know he likes, and if he wants to stay home and be sad, I’d respect that. I’m sorry those boys were so unkind to your son.

In middle school? Don't do this. This is for your kid to navigate. Of COURSE the other kid's are being jerks, but that is life. Do not intervene with a mom, that's a guarantee he'll never be invited again.

I guess you didn’t read the bolded first sentence. I didn’t suggest that OP intervene, and yes that would be weird in MS. If OP had been close with any of the moms it would be normal after the fact to say, “OtherLarlo canceled Halloween plans with Larlo, and then the NotLarlo crew didn’t want him to join them. Larlo isn’t talking much about it. Do you have any tea?”

We now know OP is not close with any of the moms so it’s not relevant for her situation.

Doesn't matter. What would be the end result?
OP, I feel you. DC has a friend whose mom is engineering MS girl friendships. She's a crude woman with deep insecurities, and I feel sorry for her girls having to grow up with that kind of mom.

My DC has a mom similar to the one you describe too. I feel the same for her kids.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes tweens / young teens are not thinking of all the possibly consequences. They have a thought and go with it. One thing you can do is to teach your son to not respond that its fine if it isn't. So when the friend disinvites him, he can respond to friend with someting along the lines of that sucks, now I have no one to go with or time to make other plans (but in MS appropriate language). Sometimes just giving the other kid more information to work with in the moment can lead to them realizing the consequences and then making a different decision.

+1. My tween’s thought process was to come home and ask if anyone had made plans for him to go trick-or-treating. I asked him if the kids had been talking about it. He said yeah, but he assumed someone would take care of the details.

He ended up going with said friends, but his thought process had some pretty serious holes in it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here

It's hard to be a friendly, grown up when the group of 4 kids who said mine couldn't go with them come to the door to trick or treat together.

They were very quiet...

Mine was out trick or treating on his own.

What jerks. I would have thrown the candy in their effing faces. They could have totally skipped your house.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP.

Similar situation for my kid this year. It's crappy. all around. I just let him vent and asked if he wanted me to just listen or to help navigate. He went to bed in tears last night and just wanted me to listen. He feels like this was his last big chance to enjoy Halloween 'as a kid.'

This morning, he wanted some help navigating. He still feels like crap, but saved face by not blowing up at the other [rude] kids via text.

He's 13; I can't remember the last time I saw him cry from hurt feelings.

I hate this kind of situation.

My heart goes out to your kid.

Wow, I am so sorry. Kids can be such jerks and the parents aren't much better trying to live vicariously through their kids and score a social media worthy photo to impress people who don't even care about them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here
I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone tonight. Your caring support, helpful suggestions and understanding has been amazing and greatly appreciated!

Yes, disappointments are part of life and these things are for sure for kids to work out. I'm glad we're going to have a busy few days with sports and other plans to give space to move on. I mostly just hope he can communicate and get support when clearly upset.

DS handed out candy to the big barrage of early little kids who came by, then went out and came home tired with a huge candy haul (and so sweaty bc it was so warm out).

When a “single rider” comes to our door, we do a HUGE handful of candy. Sure they may hit a lot of houses, but they also may only have nerve or interest to go to a few on their own so we try to help make it a big haul to look at when they get home.

Same! We actually always have multiple tween and teen solo boys at our house but I never thought about it until I read this thread. In case someone searches for advice in the future, I want them to know that I never thought or assumed anything negative about the solo kids. My only thought was one kid=gets more candy.

I have a DD who is a little younger but I want to compliment the thoughtful parents on this thread who are giving good advice for us who are in the early stages of socializing get more complicated. Her group could have really benefited from a slightly older kid to help them plan their route and watch the time. If a 13 year old boy or girl had come over after school without plans and asked if they could be the responsible big kid in DD’s group (or had their parents help ask), DD and her friends would have jumped at the offer.

Anonymous wrote:OP here

It's hard to be a friendly, grown up when the group of 4 kids who said mine couldn't go with them come to the door to trick or treat together.

They were very quiet...

Mine was out trick or treating on his own.

Been there and it is not easy to do! When it happened with my son, he was also out trick or treating and I was so glad he wasn’t home.