Anonymous
11/03/2024 02:11
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case
It is not illegal for appropriately consenting teens to have sex.
How are you going to approve appropriate consent?
I have frequent and open talks with my children on consent, safety, trust, healthy relationships, birth control, privacy, etc. They get to make that choice for themselves.
But you can't prove that appropriate consent was given and it becomes your problem if someone says they were raped in your home and you knew what was going on.
Exactly. If under 18, they cannot consent.
My view is these types of serious relationships should only occur when they can support themselves and their partner financially and emotionally. That simply isn’t possible if under 18, and hardly likely if under 21. Legally, they aren’t adults unless both over 18. At that point, go get yourselves your own place to live. If you can’t afford it, then wait until you can.
True.
Under 18 they are considered infants under the law.
An infant cannot grant consent. You know what that means.
Anonymous
11/03/2024 01:59
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Who lets their teen do this? What are your rules if you allow?
I have a hard (no) stance on this. Junior in HS.
More flexible about other things but not this.
I do not know any parents that would allow this
I do, and - gasp - I think they're good parents. I'm not saying they're good parents BECAUSE of this, but I know them, and have for a long time, and...they're good parents. So, I can only assume that they came to the decision to allow it the same way they've made other parenting decisions, which is what they felt worked for their DCs and families. I will say, having been on the Tweens/Teens Forum for way too long, that it skews young. Seniors in high school are a long way from 13 and 14 year olds, and what you can't imagine in the early teens is very real in the older teens, for some at least. For me, keeping up with the changes has been the most challenging part of parenting so far. You simply aren't ready for the speed at which very natural changes occur (quest for independence, increase in general capability to take care of themselves and, yes, romantic relationships).
I am not saying anyone should allow this, but I am saying, especially if your teens are younger, reserve judgment a few more years at least. I did not do so on many issues over the years, and have certainly been humbled.
They allowed it in HS? Just curious. We allow it with our college kids who are technically adults.
I’m this OP. The main context is my brother’s family. It’s HS, but 12th grade. Relationship is intense but I think it would be that way regardless. It’s his DD (my niece), and everything with her is intense. It started mostly because the boyfriend lives about 30 min away and they didn’t want either driving late when unnecessary. So now it’s allowed, but maybe every few weeks or so, depending on plans.
I personally think this is a bizarre judgment call to make but also tells me that they are not in control in this situation and probably lost control/influence a long time ago if the reason given is to not have them driving late at night.
In my house the solution would have been that the visit with girlfriend/boyfriend ends a half hour earlier to get home at a decent hour. Not “oh well…guess you better stay the night.”
Anonymous
11/03/2024 01:15
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Who lets their teen do this? What are your rules if you allow?
I have a hard (no) stance on this. Junior in HS.
More flexible about other things but not this.
I do not know any parents that would allow this
I do, and - gasp - I think they're good parents. I'm not saying they're good parents BECAUSE of this, but I know them, and have for a long time, and...they're good parents. So, I can only assume that they came to the decision to allow it the same way they've made other parenting decisions, which is what they felt worked for their DCs and families. I will say, having been on the Tweens/Teens Forum for way too long, that it skews young. Seniors in high school are a long way from 13 and 14 year olds, and what you can't imagine in the early teens is very real in the older teens, for some at least. For me, keeping up with the changes has been the most challenging part of parenting so far. You simply aren't ready for the speed at which very natural changes occur (quest for independence, increase in general capability to take care of themselves and, yes, romantic relationships).
I am not saying anyone should allow this, but I am saying, especially if your teens are younger, reserve judgment a few more years at least. I did not do so on many issues over the years, and have certainly been humbled.
They allowed it in HS? Just curious. We allow it with our college kids who are technically adults.
I’m this OP. The main context is my brother’s family. It’s HS, but 12th grade. Relationship is intense but I think it would be that way regardless. It’s his DD (my niece), and everything with her is intense. It started mostly because the boyfriend lives about 30 min away and they didn’t want either driving late when unnecessary. So now it’s allowed, but maybe every few weeks or so, depending on plans.
I am “special occasion” PP. One kid was a junior, other was a senior. Only one drove. Distance was 30-45 min depending on conditions. One family lived in the District. The occasions included things like NYE and prom, but sometimes a “regular Saturday”. Admittedly, it’s a slippery slope, but comings and goings from the city make it tricky.
Anonymous
11/03/2024 01:11
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
No. Not bc of sex bc I think that’ll happen regardless of roadblocks but because it causes the relationships to become codependent and inappropriately intense before they are mature enough to handle it. It’s like playing being married and they are too young and stupid for that. And couples who get that entrenched - start making decisions like what college to go to based on their bf/gf, rather than what’s best for them. The break ups are also horrible
Anonymous
11/02/2024 14:47
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
This is PP - meant to say I was “this PP,” not OP.
Anonymous
11/02/2024 14:46
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Who lets their teen do this? What are your rules if you allow?
I have a hard (no) stance on this. Junior in HS.
More flexible about other things but not this.
I do not know any parents that would allow this
I do, and - gasp - I think they're good parents. I'm not saying they're good parents BECAUSE of this, but I know them, and have for a long time, and...they're good parents. So, I can only assume that they came to the decision to allow it the same way they've made other parenting decisions, which is what they felt worked for their DCs and families. I will say, having been on the Tweens/Teens Forum for way too long, that it skews young. Seniors in high school are a long way from 13 and 14 year olds, and what you can't imagine in the early teens is very real in the older teens, for some at least. For me, keeping up with the changes has been the most challenging part of parenting so far. You simply aren't ready for the speed at which very natural changes occur (quest for independence, increase in general capability to take care of themselves and, yes, romantic relationships).
I am not saying anyone should allow this, but I am saying, especially if your teens are younger, reserve judgment a few more years at least. I did not do so on many issues over the years, and have certainly been humbled.
They allowed it in HS? Just curious. We allow it with our college kids who are technically adults.
I’m this OP. The main context is my brother’s family. It’s HS, but 12th grade. Relationship is intense but I think it would be that way regardless. It’s his DD (my niece), and everything with her is intense. It started mostly because the boyfriend lives about 30 min away and they didn’t want either driving late when unnecessary. So now it’s allowed, but maybe every few weeks or so, depending on plans.
Anonymous
11/02/2024 14:04
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
Anonymous wrote:My senior ds has had a girlfriend for about six months. We know they are having sex (dh had talk with ds about it). His girlfriend is very good friend with dd too, and I'd have zero issue with her sleeping at our house if needed (she lives a little far away), but I am not okay with her staying in ds's room. With dd, in spare room...fine anytime. Is it hypocritical? Perhaps, but to me sleeping together under one roof is more of a committed/married level behavior. Dh and I didn't do that until years into our relationship at our respective parents' place. It's just a matter of respect.
I feel the same way. Sleeping over in the same room in the parents home implies a level of commitment and "legitimacy" (can't think of a better word) that I dont think exists in a teen relationship. I also think it adds a level of intensity that a teen relationship shouldn't have.
Anonymous
11/02/2024 10:04
Subject: Sleeping over at boy/girlfriends house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Allowing minors to have sex in my home knowingly? I'm not trying to catch a case
It is not illegal for appropriately consenting teens to have sex.
How are you going to approve appropriate consent?
I have frequent and open talks with my children on consent, safety, trust, healthy relationships, birth control, privacy, etc. They get to make that choice for themselves.
But you can't prove that appropriate consent was given and it becomes your problem if someone says they were raped in your home and you knew what was going on.
Exactly. If under 18, they cannot consent.
My view is these types of serious relationships should only occur when they can support themselves and their partner financially and emotionally. That simply isn’t possible if under 18, and hardly likely if under 21. Legally, they aren’t adults unless both over 18. At that point, go get yourselves your own place to live. If you can’t afford it, then wait until you can.