Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 20:42     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
I think this was great. She barreled to place all the relationship blame on you, but you not only refused to take it - you backed it up with concrete examples of her behavior that she did not deny. MIL’s own words and actions came back to bite her in the a$$.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 19:01     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:OP you handled this very poorly. When MIL said “What did I ever do to you? I want to know. I want to know why you think it’s OK to be so cold and distant with me.”, you should have clarified what she meant. Perhaps she was referring to less time with you due to your late arrival.

Her gripes were essentially that she wants a closer relationship than you do. Of course you don’t owe her anything but there was no need for you to unload with everything she has ever done wrong. If she gossips about SIL in front of you, you should put a stop to it then and there so she knows not to do it again. You and MIL both sound like catty grudge-holders.


Ha ! In no way was MIL question an honest desire to have a closer relationship! It was a rebuke for not kissing MIL’s butt, not engaging in a catty gossip and prioritizing the kids school over the time MIL arbitrarily demanded.

Good job OP! I also do not play into the little games and drama from my older female relatives.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 18:03     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
It was good to call her out on the gossiping. You don’t your kids to think that is an okay way to treat people, which as they get older will hear her do this about you and others in the family. She asked and she was going to use your feedback to continue her methods to undermine you, she just wasn’t expecting to hear your honest response and that is her problem. Good job in letting her know that is not okay to interact that way. Leave the interactions with your husband for now, good to hear he is supporting you.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 17:52     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
OP you handled this very poorly. When MIL said “What did I ever do to you? I want to know. I want to know why you think it’s OK to be so cold and distant with me.”, you should have clarified what she meant. Perhaps she was referring to less time with you due to your late arrival.

Her gripes were essentially that she wants a closer relationship than you do. Of course you don’t owe her anything but there was no need for you to unload with everything she has ever done wrong. If she gossips about SIL in front of you, you should put a stop to it then and there so she knows not to do it again. You and MIL both sound like catty grudge-holders.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 16:57     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
No one cares OP—you clearly love passive aggressive drama with continuing to vacation with people you hate. So, congrats, sounds like the vacation was a success for you.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 16:57     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:How old is she? She said she has memory issues. Maybe she has dementia in the early stages

My mom was irascible and mean for years and in retrospect it was early dementia


My grandmother had personality changes and made bad decisions starting in her 50s that in retrospect we all realized were the beginning of dementia. It was really catastrophic that no one knew what was happening.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 16:55     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.


This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.


I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.


Dp here. Both dh and I held our tongues and tried everything to smooth our relationship with our ils. When we backed off and stopped talking to them, they continued to make up lies about both of us and our children. It was embarrassing for them because the people they said things to knew us and knew things weren't true and could not be true. The ils knew so little about us, their lies were obvious to people who did know us.

Unlike you, pp, I think if we had spoken up more directly from the start we might have had a chance of getting them to understand there were boundaries they should not cross.


You’d be wrong. You can think that all you want, but these people don’t ever respect boundaries and aren’t going to start because you were rude to them.


Np — Can you please explain how OP was “rude” when she answered MIL’s question? Asked and answered.


If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. We teach toddlers this.

You don’t have to answer people just because they pose a rude question to you.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 16:50     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:Sorry, this is just a vent, and I’ll try not to be too long. My husband’s family gathers for a late beach weekend in VA Beach this time every year. MIL and FIL and I are not close, but we are certainly always nice and polite to each other. My husband’s younger cousins are now starting to date and bring people to events, and I think some of the dynamics MIL sees with her peers and their children’s significant others is triggering what happened yesterday.

We arrived later than most people because we chose not to pull our oldest out of school early, as her hardest subject happened to be the last one of the day. This was ultimately my husband’s decision; I left it up to him to discuss with DD, because this is his family’s trip. But of course MIL blames me that we arrive later than most people on Friday.

On Saturday afternoon, I am standing on the beach watching my kids when she comes up to me and says, “What did I ever do to you? I want to know. I want to know why you think it’s OK to be so cold and distant with me.” Not exactly a “could we have a discussion when you’re ready about ways we can forge a closer relationship,” but OK.

So I told her. I told her about all the times I’ve heard her gossiping about me behind my back, even in my own home, and all the times well-meaning family members have let me know what she and FIL say about me. (Which they shouldn’t have done, but when you hear the same thing from multiple people, you know it’s true.) I also said the way she and FIL gossip about their other DIL in front of me and the way they try to get me to say bad things about her and other significant others in the family has led me to distrust MIL and FIL and feel I cannot be close to them.

She immediately comes back with, “Oh so I’m not perfect and you’ll never forgive me. Not very ‘Christian’ of you, since you claim to be a ‘Christian.’” (She is also a Christian BTW.) And I said, “Forgiveness starts with accountability and an apology, so if you want to seek my forgiveness, I will absolutely listen.” And she barrels into, “Well don’t you think YOU have done things that hurt US over the years?” I said, “I’m sure the distance I have created to protect myself has been hurtful to you. I can recognize that. If there are specific things I have said or done that have hurt you, now is the time to tell me so I can reflect and apologize.” And that wasn’t good enough for her, she went into “Well we have bad memories so I can’t tell you everything you did to me.” And I said, “Let me know if you think of some specific things so that I can reflect and apologize.”

She then forces hugs and says this was great and cleared the air. Because she can’t take any accountability and can’t even tell me one thing I did to her. She is now going over the top nicey-nicey, but for me, I feel like drawing back and protecting myself even more. She is not close with my husband, or with her other son or his wife. But I guess I was the target yesterday.


OP I am very sorry.

She has lit you.

Walk away stop engaging with her. DH gets to to that all now.

You don’t need to be treated this way.

This has nothing to do with religion she’s a sucky jealous human who’s mad her sons grew up.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 16:31     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
OP here. I’m tired but thankfully we’re home. For part of the ride, the kids were watching a movie, and DH and I talked. He said he was “disgusted” by the way she weaponized Christianity and that while I have had time to process it, he has not and he’s going to call her to say if she has a problem with me, we would prefer for it to be discussed with DH present. He says she would never have dared to say some of those things and take that tone if he was there, and I think he’s right.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 15:15     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.


This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.


I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.


Dp here. Both dh and I held our tongues and tried everything to smooth our relationship with our ils. When we backed off and stopped talking to them, they continued to make up lies about both of us and our children. It was embarrassing for them because the people they said things to knew us and knew things weren't true and could not be true. The ils knew so little about us, their lies were obvious to people who did know us.

Unlike you, pp, I think if we had spoken up more directly from the start we might have had a chance of getting them to understand there were boundaries they should not cross.


I'm from this type of family OP,and they will never understand that their are boundaries they shouldn't cross.

They may respect boundaries because they want to see the grandkids or their adult kid, but will complain bitterly about them and really not understand why they exist. My whole family is like this and I had to go to therapy to even understand the concept of a boundary. No one I knew had them!
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 15:12     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.


This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.


I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.


Dp here. Both dh and I held our tongues and tried everything to smooth our relationship with our ils. When we backed off and stopped talking to them, they continued to make up lies about both of us and our children. It was embarrassing for them because the people they said things to knew us and knew things weren't true and could not be true. The ils knew so little about us, their lies were obvious to people who did know us.

Unlike you, pp, I think if we had spoken up more directly from the start we might have had a chance of getting them to understand there were boundaries they should not cross.


You’d be wrong. You can think that all you want, but these people don’t ever respect boundaries and aren’t going to start because you were rude to them.


Np — Can you please explain how OP was “rude” when she answered MIL’s question? Asked and answered.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 15:07     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.


This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.


I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.


Dp here. Both dh and I held our tongues and tried everything to smooth our relationship with our ils. When we backed off and stopped talking to them, they continued to make up lies about both of us and our children. It was embarrassing for them because the people they said things to knew us and knew things weren't true and could not be true. The ils knew so little about us, their lies were obvious to people who did know us.

Unlike you, pp, I think if we had spoken up more directly from the start we might have had a chance of getting them to understand there were boundaries they should not cross.


You’d be wrong. You can think that all you want, but these people don’t ever respect boundaries and aren’t going to start because you were rude to them.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 15:03     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You did a bad job at gray rocking her and now you have to start from scratch. Sorry.


This. Pushy, gossipy jerks looove drama. She will rewrite whatever was said in her head. She’s love bombing you now. When your guard goes down her claws will come back out.


I am the poster who said you didn’t win. This is exactly why. This interaction, which makes you look bad on its face, will be distorted and expanded and spread all over kingdom come, and the worst part now is there will be a kernel of truth. Ugh.


Dp here. Both dh and I held our tongues and tried everything to smooth our relationship with our ils. When we backed off and stopped talking to them, they continued to make up lies about both of us and our children. It was embarrassing for them because the people they said things to knew us and knew things weren't true and could not be true. The ils knew so little about us, their lies were obvious to people who did know us.

Unlike you, pp, I think if we had spoken up more directly from the start we might have had a chance of getting them to understand there were boundaries they should not cross.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 14:54     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed that she thinks you arrived “late” when your dd had school. Why does she think your dd should miss school for people she’ll see all weekend?


My spouse and I have gone very low contact with his family because of this type of stuff. After we had kids, they felt like they owned every moment of our time when they weren't interested in us before then. None of us live close to one another and all of a sudden they expected us at attend every crazy thing my sils were involved in states away. An extended family member had a very informal post post post wedding get together and we were 1/2 hour late because of the drive. Dh's parents and sisters were furious and spent our time together at the event berating me, not dh who drove and knew the area, for the route he took. It didn't matter that lots of people were let because of the traffic problem we all were stuck in on the way. Any time dh left my side they approached me to berate me. After the second berating I told them they were out of line and went and sat elsewhere. We had called the extended family member and let them know the traffic was holding us up and they weren't bothered at all. There was no ceremony or anything other than a bunch of people eating a pot luck. The thing went on for 5 hours a lot of people left after the first hour.

This describes what the relationship with my ils was like. They lived to have a reason to be angry at whomever was their latest target. They aimed their hatred at a different sil for years but she and bil had moved away. We almost never see these people because they will not stop being nasty. No matter what the issue is, it is always my fault. The last time we invited them to our house they criticized everything in front of our friends and neighbors. They insulted my house, my taste, said that I was lying and didn't make any of the food and on and on. They insulted me constantly and made up crazy lies to our neighbors and friends. It was mortifying.

We had no idea until that event that they were making up crazy lies about both of us but more pointed at me. We learned more after we stopped seeing them and we will never get over it. People like this don't deserve our time and certainly not our children's time.

I'm not a troll. After the event at our house one of the older neighbors shared with me what she went through and I'm glad there is less pressure to go along and tolerate this type of behavior.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 14:05     Subject: MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response
Anonymous wrote:Sorry, this is just a vent, and I’ll try not to be too long. My husband’s family gathers for a late beach weekend in VA Beach this time every year. MIL and FIL and I are not close, but we are certainly always nice and polite to each other. My husband’s younger cousins are now starting to date and bring people to events, and I think some of the dynamics MIL sees with her peers and their children’s significant others is triggering what happened yesterday.

We arrived later than most people because we chose not to pull our oldest out of school early, as her hardest subject happened to be the last one of the day. This was ultimately my husband’s decision; I left it up to him to discuss with DD, because this is his family’s trip. But of course MIL blames me that we arrive later than most people on Friday.

On Saturday afternoon, I am standing on the beach watching my kids when she comes up to me and says, “What did I ever do to you? I want to know. I want to know why you think it’s OK to be so cold and distant with me.” Not exactly a “could we have a discussion when you’re ready about ways we can forge a closer relationship,” but OK.

So I told her. I told her about all the times I’ve heard her gossiping about me behind my back, even in my own home, and all the times well-meaning family members have let me know what she and FIL say about me. (Which they shouldn’t have done, but when you hear the same thing from multiple people, you know it’s true.) I also said the way she and FIL gossip about their other DIL in front of me and the way they try to get me to say bad things about her and other significant others in the family has led me to distrust MIL and FIL and feel I cannot be close to them.

She immediately comes back with, “Oh so I’m not perfect and you’ll never forgive me. Not very ‘Christian’ of you, since you claim to be a ‘Christian.’” (She is also a Christian BTW.) And I said, “Forgiveness starts with accountability and an apology, so if you want to seek my forgiveness, I will absolutely listen.” And she barrels into, “Well don’t you think YOU have done things that hurt US over the years?” I said, “I’m sure the distance I have created to protect myself has been hurtful to you. I can recognize that. If there are specific things I have said or done that have hurt you, now is the time to tell me so I can reflect and apologize.” And that wasn’t good enough for her, she went into “Well we have bad memories so I can’t tell you everything you did to me.” And I said, “Let me know if you think of some specific things so that I can reflect and apologize.”

She then forces hugs and says this was great and cleared the air. Because she can’t take any accountability and can’t even tell me one thing I did to her. She is now going over the top nicey-nicey, but for me, I feel like drawing back and protecting myself even more. She is not close with my husband, or with her other son or his wife. But I guess I was the target yesterday.


Great response and yes I would stay away from her more. She’s insane.