Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sarcasm is a bad look, especially past your 20's. No jokes. It's not funny. Too much messed-up communication and deniability based on, "I was only kidding." or "you're too sensitive." He either thinks and says what he wants to say or he keeps these thoughts to himself since they aren't worth bringing up.

This. This right here. "I was just joking" etc. is not only an immature way to communicate, it lets the "joker" feel they're always, always right and have no need ever to examine their own communication or motives. It's highly toxic. If one person in a couple does not perceive the "joking" as actual joking, that is not being "too sensitive"--it's being a mature adult who prefers adult communication over childish passive-aggression.

They were both being passive-aggressive. Getting up and moving to another seat when your spouse comes in the room is also passive-aggressive.

I don’t think this was the best tactic for him to take, but what should he say? Just ignore it?

Are you the PP who was so fixated on her moving her seat in earlier posts? Do you not get that this was just one example of a time he pulled out the mortgage threat and there have been other times too? Big picture, PP, try to see the big picture instead of hyper-focusing on her one example. The point is how wildly out of all proportion his response was. Her action is nowhere near meriting that level of response.

Yes. I’m that same poster. Is it really that out of proportion?

I have been on the flip side of this where I told my spouse that I felt under appreciated, and my higher earning husband asked me what I do all day.
I’m sure that at some point during that argument I said that I wasn’t going to take care of the kids the next day (knowing that he couldn’t).

I didn’t mean it, but having your spouse question your value in a relationship feels crappy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sarcasm is a bad look, especially past your 20's. No jokes. It's not funny. Too much messed-up communication and deniability based on, "I was only kidding." or "you're too sensitive." He either thinks and says what he wants to say or he keeps these thoughts to himself since they aren't worth bringing up.

This. This right here. "I was just joking" etc. is not only an immature way to communicate, it lets the "joker" feel they're always, always right and have no need ever to examine their own communication or motives. It's highly toxic. If one person in a couple does not perceive the "joking" as actual joking, that is not being "too sensitive"--it's being a mature adult who prefers adult communication over childish passive-aggression.

They were both being passive-aggressive. Getting up and moving to another seat when your spouse comes in the room is also passive-aggressive.

I don’t think this was the best tactic for him to take, but what should he say? Just ignore it?

didnt she move the chair out of the direct ray of sun so she could see? BFD.

No. She got up from the table where they were having coffee together and went to sit in a chair across the room.

This is after he said he felt unappreciated, and she asked for an example of what he does or why he should be appreciated.

Anonymous wrote:Other side of the coin: op and dh both contribute similarly to household obligations. But dh works in a much more stressful job making $500k while op makes $100k in a hobby job. $100k is starting salary for any recent college graduate if they’re looking for a decent job (the more competitive jobs are paying a lot more than that for new grads). Dh is tired of carrying the full financial load. He’s saying this very clearly to op and would like her to stop treating household financials like a joke, and start contributing more.

Given that we have no idea what OP does for a living, we have no idea whether it's a "hobby job." If salary defined what constitutes a "hobby job", then all teachers for example would have hobby jobs, which they definitely do not. Salary is not a proxy for a job's value to society, or for that matter to a family.

Speaking of which, perhaps OP is tired of carrying the full household load. Perhaps her husband is a labor digger, who married her for her capacity for carrying the lions share of the labor involved in managing the household. Maybe OP would like her DH to stop "joking," and treating her contributions to the household like a joke. And start contributing more.

Anonymous wrote:"joking" like this is passive-aggressive. Jokes are funny. This is not. It's control, and then he backpedals with "I was just kidding/joking"

Deeply problematic behavior, indicative of psych issues.

+1

He wants to get away with the passive aggressive comment without being responsible for it. He can't have it both ways.

That's bizarre OP. Sounds like he's looking for reasons not to pay the mortgage.

Is he not making as much money and hasn't told you? Is he having an affair and hasn't told you? Or is he just a jerk?

Are you the OP who wanted the fan on on the porch?

Anonymous wrote:This is entitlement setting in. If he didn’t come from $ and now making lots of it—-he’s being critical and feels he deserves things —like a mistress or side sex. It’s the typical guy turning into a complete a-hole midlife.

Could be. Am 45 and seeing this dynamic, the fat injectables guys, and inheritance guys all flip a lid having mid-life crises. They dump their wife and kids and “demand more from attention”

Anonymous wrote:"Don't worry, I'll ask my boyfriend to loan us the cash."

See how he likes your jokes.

lol!

I would ignore him. A lot.